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Which one is proofreaded or better for native English speaker

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by macnux, Apr 16, 2017.

  1. #1
    Hello
    I'm writing tech articles and just want to know your opinions about the following paragraph is it correct or not.
    The poorly written one:
    "If your PC got hacked or accessed by some intruder and you may copy some passwords or any sensitive data on your clipboard, maybe your bank account login, or any other sensitive data, in addition, some clipboard viewers send the data over the internet, not for bad purposes, but for the sake of cloud data access, so you can access your clipboard data from your office of what you have done at home."

    The modified one:
    "If your PC got hacked or accessed by some intruder and you may have copied some passwords, your bank account login, or any other sensitive data. Some clipboard viewers send the copied data over the internet, not for bad purposes, but for the sake of cloud data access, so you can access your clipboard data from your office of what you have done at home."
    SEMrush
    Is the modified one written correctly for English readers?
    Thanks in advance.
     
    macnux, Apr 16, 2017 IP
    SEMrush
  2. mmerlinn

    mmerlinn Well-Known Member

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    #2
    Second one is wrong since the first sentence was never finished. First one is too convoluted and complex. Your sentences are way too long. Break them up into shorter sentences. Most people are not lawyers so they cannot comprehend long convoluted sentences.

    Bottom line is that you must use language that your target audience understands without overly straining their brains. Keep your sentences short and to the point. Don't use words that your target audience would not use.
     
    mmerlinn, Apr 16, 2017 IP
  3. macnux

    macnux Greenhorn

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    #3
    So the only problem with the second one is the long sentences?
    Excuse me, would you mind if you write a sample one for a better paragraph than the above.
    Also, is it Grammarly correct? the second one
    Thank in advance.
     
    macnux, Apr 16, 2017 IP
  4. mmerlinn

    mmerlinn Well-Known Member

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    #4
    The first one is one long convoluted sentence which is very hard to understand by most people including me. Even after pondering it for several minutes I still do not grasp what you are trying to say.

    In the second sample the first sentence is essentially meaningless because it is not a complete sentence. The second sentence is complete but for some reason that I cannot pinpoint it does not sound right to me.

    I am not familiar with your subject, so really do not know how to improve upon what you have. All I can do is to try to understand what you have written from a native English speaking viewpoint, then point out obvious flaws in the prose.
     
    mmerlinn, Apr 16, 2017 IP
  5. macnux

    macnux Greenhorn

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    #5
    It's about computers and IT.
    I'm sorry, is the second one correct grammerly?
    Because This is my main concern from the change.
     
    macnux, Apr 16, 2017 IP
  6. mmerlinn

    mmerlinn Well-Known Member

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    #6
    The second one is not correct grammar. Incomplete sentences are never correct.
     
    mmerlinn, Apr 16, 2017 IP
  7. macnux

    macnux Greenhorn

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    #7
    Is that correct

    "If your PC got hacked or accessed by some intruder and your clipboard manager contains any sensitive information like your passwords, your bank account login, or any other sensitive data, you will be in danger.
    The attacker can steal all your clipboard history with one click. The danger is not only in those local attacks. Some clipboard viewers send the copied data over the internet, not for bad purposes, but for the sake of cloud data access, so you can access your clipboard data from your office of what you have done at home."
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2017
    macnux, Apr 16, 2017 IP
  8. Best Seller

    Best Seller Member

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    #8
    If your PC got hacked or accessed by some intruder, then you may have inadvertently copied some passwords, your bank account login, or any other sensitive data onto your clipboard. Some clipboard viewers send that copied data over the internet—not for malicious purposes, but for the sake of cloud data access. This allows you to access the same clipboard data from your office on your home computer, as well.
     
    Best Seller, Apr 18, 2017 IP
  9. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

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    #9
    Now I actually get what you are trying to say - In the first examples I honestly couldn't understand what your message was.

    The use of the word "then" implies that the copying to the clipboard happens after the hack.

    The sentence below explains what is going on and gets me to continue reading. It's the introduction you want.

     
    sarahk, Apr 18, 2017 IP
  10. BrookeHarper

    BrookeHarper Banned

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    #10
    This is so much better than the first ones you included in your original post. Congratulations! If you'd like to improve your article's readability and construction, you might want to use apps like the hemingwayapp; it's for free.
     
    BrookeHarper, Apr 19, 2017 IP
  11. macnux

    macnux Greenhorn

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    #11
    Thank you very much for all of you.
    It was easy for me to do it, I just read it carefully and correct any mistakes.
    Thanks again.
     
    macnux, Apr 19, 2017 IP