Hi guys. I posted a thread earlier about writing email copy to be sent out to Real Estate Agents in Whangarei, New Zealand advertising my website www.RealEstateWhangarei.co.nz I was wondering whether some of you seasoned writers could take a look at it for me and tell me what you think? Any way, I have pasted it below.
It's late, and I didn't read the whole thing - just scanned it. But the bold sentence seemed way to drawn out to me (could just be my eyes giving out for the evening though).
Warning: I'm not a seasoned "writer," I'm a copywriter who in his 30's who has been in sales his whole life. What follows is my initial "gut" reaction. It's not warm and pretty. It may offend. But I believe it will give you great things to think about. I only have one rule. If this helps you, go spread the name of Jason throughout all the land. No, no please don't. I'm kidding. Buckle up momma's boy, it's go time. 1. "to whom it may concern" might as well say "Hey Asshole!" Either address them by name or by a friendly title (friend, fellow REI, etc). 2. I fell asleep. Please wake me up when you decide to talk about me. In the first 10 seconds of reading your email all I saw was you, you, you. I want me, me, me. 3. Bolding a key sentence is fine. Just make sure it's important and write it right. What the heck is "THE SITE?" If you're talking about my site, you better say it. Remember, personalize and talk about me. 4. Who is your target audience? I ask because some of the info in this email is pointless with certain audiences. It seems like you're targeting webmasters. Clean up the language and focus on your audience (if you don't know who they are, you're screwed). 5. "Imagine what could be achieved once I start my advertising efforts in September." Really? So, I should imagine what will happen when you finally get off your ass and do something? Since September is just around the corner, I'd wait to email people until your site is operating better. This little "leap of faith" comment will hurt response. On a scale of 1 - 10, you're at about a 3. Look, do you know your stuff or don't you? I bet you know a lot. If you do, open up, get personal and let it out. Sell me. Tell me what you'll do for ME. Show me how your perfect email message is going to be the answer to my prayers. Figure that out and you'll do fine. Good luck.
MarketJunction Your response is great, not offensive at all (well except the bit about mommas boy - not true) Your response is exactly what I was after - now I have something to go on. 3 is better than 2 I spose.
Oh, I forgot to mention. My target audience is Real Estate Agents and Offices. Most of them are pretty internet illiterate. Obviously I will be fixing up the site before I send out the emails. Cheers, Jared.
I really loved the way marketjunction has put it. Though it was bit harsh but that is what is required sometimes to shake the sleeping man inside us. Well done. I am impressed. May I ask how much do you charge to write a sales copy (if you provide that service). Pls send me a PM.
Thanks. It wasn't personal of course. I do the same thing to my own copy. Some people ask for a critique but don't really want one if you know what I mean. Good luck with your email!
Thanks a lot. I didn't think it was that harsh at all. I know I am not a copy writer. Thats why I posted on here. To get some good honest feedback. When you refer to talk about me, me, me. Can you give me an example of this? Not really sure how to open
Sure. Basically it means that you need to address the target's mindset, desires, etc. And you need to do it from the start. Here's a classic example of poor copy: "We here at Idiot Industries pride ourselves on quality workmanship and writing performed by professionally-trained monkeys. We go the extra mile for you." SO FREAKING WHAT? Something like that (even though written poorly) may be okay way down in the copy, but opening with that is stupid. You'll see this on tons of Web sites. In fact, go take a look at the sites for writers if you want a real laugh. No wonder they can't close deals. Imagine you're a tourist walking on a crowded street in New York City. Suddenly, a man blocks your path and starts talking about himself. He says, "Hi my name is James. I'm from Virginia and I take pride in my job. I was telling my sister, Jezebel, the other day that YAWN." You'd probably be saying "I don't care" in your mind over and over. While "listening" you'd be planning your escape. Now imagine walking along that same street, being approached by the same man and the first words out of his mouth were things for you. Perhaps: "Hi. You look like someone who could use a hotel discount. Most people, like you, come to the city and pay way too much. If I can tell you a secret that will put at least $200 back in your pocket today, would you be interested?" Okay, this might not be the best example. I'm trying to watch college football and type at the same time. However, I hope you can see the difference. You have seconds to capture the prospect's attention. If you waste it with rambling that's boring and not relevant, you're done. So let's take a stroll down memory lane and revisit your original masterpiece in the making. You just sent me your email. During my "attention" phase, here's what I got from you: See a problem? In this valuable time, you've told me your name. You told me that your name is a name ("My name is"). And you've told me that you own some Web site about something located somewhere. And I'm now reading an email from some guy in Nigeria that evidently has millions of dollars and needs my help . . . Here's a tip for you. The goal of your first sentence is to get your reader to read the next sentence. Such a simple, powerful thought. Yet, it's fumbled to death (told you, I'm watching college football). Your first sentence is your name. Why in the heck do I care? Do I know you already? I'm guessing your prospects don't. Are you famous? Again, I'm guessing no. Capture your prospect's attention. Put them in a trance. And then begin weaving in the extra details, such as who you are, Web site info, etc. Hope that helps. Good luck!
Is there a general structure I should follow? i.e. Paragraph one - me, me,me,me paragraph two - who I am . . . . . . . .. . Paragraph five - pricing ??????
MarketJunction, that was a fantastic and to-the-point critique (which I agree with 100%). I've always been taught in marketing and sales that you are to focus on the target audience. I hope I can add my 2 1/2 cents as directly as you did. Jared, I don't read a single benefit in your email (assuming that I am in your target audience). You really don't make clear what I am supposed to get out of using your services? Actually, you really don't explain what your services are. In my mind, some dude wants me to pay him tons of money to get a link...um...somewhere. Your 300 uniques would be better left out, in my opinion. If your target is already getting more than that on his own, why would he want to bother with your services?
First, thanks for the compliment. Second, fantastic point. You read the email and were like, "Um yeah, and?" This is a problem we all face. We assume too much. The target isn't Internet savvy yet the original email assumes they know about what hits are and what hits to some other site means for their own site. From original email: "You will easily be seeing 1,500 Unique Visitors per month." Again, assumptions. I might think you're talking about 1,500 people to my site not yours.
Again good points. After reading all this and looking at my email with fresh eyes I see the errors I made. I have put aside the next half hour to have a re write, so will post what I have done soon.
Ok, I have run out of time for now - this is what I have done so far. I have eddited up to the bold section - what do you think
If I might add one more thing for you to think about, keep in mind the difference between benefits and features when you address your market. Benefits to your target would most likely be things like increased brand recognition for their business, increased showings, more prospects and more sales. That's what your market is going to want - visitors (feature) don't mean much when it comes to the bottom line. Let them know what your service will do for their business first; then you can give more detail on how your services will accomplish those goals.
I'm exhausted from watching college football all day, but here's one last point before bed. "Would you like to advertise on the worlds largest and fastest growing advertising medium - The Internet?" No. This is 1995 advertising. Unless your prospect is shacked up with his or her cousin the basement of a log cabin the "secret parts" of some Southern state, I'm guessing they know what the Internet is and that it's big. Try not to ask questions that could have the answer of "no." If you're going to ask questions, you want your prospect nodding and agreeing with you. BTW: Feature: My system is completely automated. Benefit: You'll be able to run your business without lifting a finger so you have more time for the important things in your life. Stress benefits not features.
It could still use a bit of tweaking, as marketjunction said, but it's a vast improvement over the first version. Perhaps something to the effect of: Are you ready to take your business to the next level? Do you want to get your listings before thousands of eager homebuyers all over the country? Then when you expand on the benefits a bit further down, make the point of how your service can stretch their budgets. That second question is the one that addresses a realtors main concern. Tina G Disclaimer: I am a writer but not a copywriter so this is not professional advice. LOL.