I took a quick look. It looks pretty good. Drop 100% from the headline that doesn't need to be there. I just scanned the body copy to the P.S. Your P.S. is really good. It reinforces your " big benefit " and your headline, good work there. Body copy could be improved ( more desire ) other than that looks okay. Brett
It isn't bad but you've got some grammar and syntax errors in there. You might want to have someone edit it to make sure that those get corrected.