Tell me your thoughts on my story so far. What do you think of the title? This is the introduction. I'm going to start writing the dialogue next. The story is going to be a fantasy/adventure (secret doors, passageways, worlds, treasures). The son and daughter are going to be the main characters (along with one of their friends, who is a neighbor) The Secret of 101 Lion’s Breath Drive Now Blairston was not your average town, by no means. It laid in a quaint valley on the outskirts of Philadelphia where the weather was strangely always pleasant year round¬. The town had a population of about 3,000 and was quite renowned for its inviting and laid back atmosphere. The townspeople were charming and quite nice, but that was about it. Everybody kept to themselves and only got together during the annual Blairston Holiday Bash, in which 3 days were devoted to nonstop eating, drinking, singing, and dancing. What was different about Blairston then other towns was that a handful of the residents contained vast amounts of wealth, far beyond anyone’s imagination, in which helped the town become a controlling force in the region. For these select folks, life was carefree. The majority of the town consisted of rows of oddly shaped and almost identical townhomes in which most of the middle class folks resided. There were a few cornerstores, a cinema, Barry’s; which was the local grocery store, a few little shops here and there, a post office, and three diners. That was it. For anything else, residents took a 20-mile trek to the closest neighboring town. For the Buckingham family, Blairston was the ideal place to live in. Dean Buckingham, a lean, fairly tall, and extremely proper man, grew up in Blairston and eventually moved to Chicago when he was 20. He worked 2 jobs and was very determined to move ahead with his life. He met a beautiful lady named Linda who happened to have one of the most breathtaking smiles he had ever seen. He fell completely in love with her and within two years they got married and everything else started to go exceptionally well for them. Dean climbed the ranks of the business scene and built up a technology empire worth $500 million. He had more cars than you would know what to do with and enough watches for every day of the year. Chicago life was becoming a bit too hectic, so Dean decided to move back to Blairston with his wife and thought it would be the best location to raise his children. The Buckinghams lived in Lioncrest Estates, one of the most guard gated and elite communities in all of the North. The community was nestled up on a gently sloping hill and you could see all of Blairston from up there. Not quite where you expected a community of that prescence to be, right? Well, as you could imagine, the other residents of Blairston had mixed feelings about Lioncrest. It all started back in 1985, about 20 years ago. A man by the name of Rufus Pennyworth drew up plans for what he called “The Ultimate Community for High Society.†Rufus was an industrial magnate who fell in love with Blairston. The town residents greatly opposed a community of this stature and so a town council meeting was called. Pennyworth bribed the councilmen and was ultimately awarded the go ahead. Fast-forward 20 years. The Buckinghams purchased their dream estate and were so happy to have finally found the perfect location. Little Luke and Eliza found Lioncrest to be somewhat stark and boring. But what the Buckinghams didn’t know, was that Lioncrest was filled with secrets beyond their wildest dreams.
I don't particularly like the title (perhaps you could come up with something a bit more exciting and original) but your storytelling style is pretty good, IMO.
Boom! “What was that?†Linda screamed. The whole house shook for a few seconds. It was nothing like she had ever experienced. She looked out the window and everything seemed perfectly fine. The crisp cold air gently pillowed into the room. The street was eerily quiet and no one else seemed to be awakened. “It must have been a transformer that exploded or something like that,†Dean explained in an overly tired manner. Dean, Linda’s husband, had moved the family to their new home about a week ago. They lived in a peaceful town by the name of Blairston. Now Blairston was not your average town, by no means. It laid in a quaint valley on the outskirts of Philadelphia where the farms were plenty and where the weather was always pristine. The town had a population of about 3,000 and was quite renowned for its inviting and laid back atmosphere. Everybody kept to themselves and only got together during the annual Blairston Holiday Bash, in which 3 days were devoted to nonstop eating, drinking, singing, and dancing. What was different about Blairston then other towns was that a handful of the residents contained vast amounts of wealth, far beyond anyone’s imagination. For these select folks, life was carefree, and the Buckinghams happened to be among them. “Luke, Emma, time for breakfastâ€, Linda yelled from the foyer the next morning. The kids, full of energy, came running down the grand double staircase and entered into the kitchen. “Mom, I don’t want to go to school,†Luke anxiously professed. “What if the other kids make fun of me and call me names?†Luke was very slender like his father and he had thick curly hair and wore large glasses that were undeniably too big for his head. “Now sweetie, I told you this before. Everything is going to be fine. If you have any problems you go straight to your teacher. You Understand?†Linda stated with a sense of calmness. “Alright, lets go kids, off to school,†said Dean. The kids grabbed their lunchboxes and headed out through the front door kissing their mom as they left. The school, which was attended by both the towns kids and the uppercrust kids from Lioncrest, was small and consisted of only 5 teachers. You could sense the history of the building as you walked in. The classrooms contained individual desks that dated back to the early 1900’s and the floors were made of old timber wood. Dean dropped off Luke and Emma and headed to his daily job as a volunteer at the nearby Medical Treament Center. Since he had more money than he knew what to do with, Dean didn’t have to work. But, being one who always has to be productive, Dean found something to do during the day. As Luke and Emma walked along the meandering brick stone path towards the school entrance, they could hear kids snickering behind them. “What’s a nerd like yourself doing in a town like this?†a 6th grader said while trying to hold back his laughter. “Go spend your daddy’s money!†Luke tried to contain himself. He did not want to show the bully that he was upset. So, he kept on walking and didn’t turn back. “Cheer up Luke,†Emma said in a high-pitched voice as she grabbed his hand. They both entered the school alongside each other. Luke, who was 10, was starting the 5th grade. His sister Emma, who had big rosy cheeks and the longest thick blond hair you’d ever seen, had just turned 7. This meant that they were both going to be in different classes. Moving to Blairston took its toll on both Luke and Emma. They had a great life back in Chicago and had plenty of friends. This town was much different, in all ways possible. Luke walked into the classroom, Room 105 to be exact, and sat down in an empty desk towards the back of the room. Now Luke, who was quite shy when it came to meeting new people, dreaded speaking in front of the class. At his old school, he would always sit farthest from the board hoping that the teacher would not call him up. “Students, students settle down now, “ Mrs. Liliwag shouted. “We have a new student with us here today.†“His name is Luke and he just moved here from Chicago.†“Luke, would you please come up to the front of the classroom.†Luke slowly rose from his desk, his feet trembling, and walked towards the front. “Welcome Luke, it is a pleasure to have you here with us, “ Mrs. Liliwag said with a smile. “Please, tell us a little bit about yourself†“Well, My name is Luke Buckingham and I love to draw, read, and write fantasy stories.†Some of the classmates turned towards each other and started to giggle. Luke continued unbothered by the rudeness. “I have a 7 year old sister who also goes to this school and I just moved into my new house in Lioncrest.†The whole class fell silent. What did Luke say wrong? “Okay, thanks Luke,†Mrs. Liliwag said motioning him back to his seat. Luke was glad that was over. He still wanted to know why everyone stared blankly at him when he mentioned where he lived. He knew that he lived in an extremely private and affluent gated community, but there had to be another reason for the awkwardness. After about an hours worth of learning math and the usual boring lesson on historical events, class ended.