It's my brothers wedding on Friday and I need some clean humour to stick in there. If anyone has any good jokes or stories that would be suitable for a best mans speech I would love to hear them. Thanks in advance
Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce the "The bride realises that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place could please return them." This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and maybe somebody's grandma.
Here are some quotes : Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. -- Dr. Johnson The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. -- Montaigne For a male and female to live continuously together is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. -- Robert Briffault Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. -- Baskins A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno. Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one? Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
lol that sounds funny great idea, use some Wedding Crashers jokes like i dont think after today you will be able to get away with wearing a white dress heh.
Crack a joke about Nintendo's virginity and how your went down in the SERPs because you added a link condom by accident. That will go down well.
LOL. this is great stuff. my close friend is gettin married here soon...i'll have to write some of this down.
lol, the key idea is great! Saw this on a T-shirt: "Never go to bed angry, stay up late and plot your revenge"
Nice one... Let me add to it : "Never go to bed angry, stay up late and plot your revenge and once you made your kill, SLEEP!!"
Last weekend, my little brother got married and I was the best man. I freaked out over the speech and went online and got a ton of jokes and put together a speech that went over pretty well. I have copy and pasted it here, feel free to take what you like. "RECEPTION- my speech after cake cutting. be sure to introduce maid of honor at end-emily (the second most beautiful woman here today). <bang fork on glass...> Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen… I’m Joel, Jordan’s Best Man & Older brother, and I’d just like to say a few words. But before I begin, I’d like to announce that, for health and safety reasons, it has been requested that none of you get up on top of the tables and chairs during my standing ovation. Thank the parents of the bride and groom if they paid for the event. If the bride and groom are footing the bill themselves, thank them for inviting everyone to share the big day. OPENING LINE!!! I’d just like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the Bride and groom, for coming out to share their wedding day, although personally I wish you’d all stayed at home, because things would have been a lot easier on me. It’s been said that wedding guests are the most forgiving audience & you’ll laugh at the lamest joke. Over the next couple minutes I will be severely testing this theory. BODY!!! I’d like to tell the bride, Meghan, that you honestly look stunning, Jordan is a very lucky man and, I'm sure you'll agree with me, gentlemen, today is a sad day for all men, as another beauty leaves the potentially available list. It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks, though. She's not marrying the best man. But, as Shakespeare once said, "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind(heart?)." I can honestly say that in all the years I've known Jordan, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. In fact, I've never heard anyone even mention it. *Slightly embarassing/funny story about Jordan. Then talk about his good qualities & how he redeemed himself. Talk about how he has positively changed since he met meghan*?? *SAY YOUR SERIOUS SHIT HERE* Jordan, I know you will make a great husband. You have showed your dedication over the last two years, working Full-time, attending school full-time and spending every spare moment with Meghan. I hope and trust you will continue to treat her with the same love and respect that I have seen you show her so far.///Jordan has a wonderful, generous heart and always is willing to help others when they need it. Jordan: Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it, as does some of your spouse's family. And Jordan also remember those 3 little words that are the key to a long and happy marriage... 'You're right, love'! CONCLUSION!!! I started planning this speech a few days ago…. & it must feel like I’ve been delivering it that long. So it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to ask you to stand for the bride and groom. It took my brother 20 years of threats, beatings and torture for him to figure out who the best man really was…(pause for laughter). I wish Jordan and Meghan nothing but the best. I hope you two have nothing but great times ahead. Always love each other, always respect each other and always be there for each other. Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan and Meghan! Now I'd like to introduce to you the second most beautiful woman here, the Maid of Honor, Emily!
Here are some sites I copied http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/ http://www.bestmansspeeches.com/ http://speeches.com/speeches/409/Menu/d/speech409.aspx
Some absolutely brilliant material so far. One note of caution - jokey comments about the Bride are 100% off limits during a Best Man speech. Praise and 'lovely' comments are of course, expected. Another trick you can pull is to pre-prepare a prop - sticky tape about a dozen sheets of A4 paper end to end (do a printer dump on them to add authenticity) and when it comes time to deliver the speech make a show of rummaging through your pockets for the speech before pulling out the prop with a flourish and allowing the sheets to unfold as you clear your throat. "These are all the bad and naughty things my brother has done that I promised I would bring up at the wedding ... (pause) ... j/k" Use cards - everyone will be so relieved your speech isn't the 12 sheets of A4
Seriously guys, this is a great help. I'm going to print all this stuff off and get it written tonight. I'm going to have to use Grace as my guinae pig over and over and over lol. She definitely won't laugh at the wedding!
Here's to fire. Not the kind that burns down buildings and shanties, but the kind that ignites passion...and brings down panties.
Except none of them will have any idea who Nintendo is!! They'll think he's talking about the video game company, not some wacko on crack!!!
I went to a friends wedding a long time ago, while the best man was making his speach, there was the word for a drink at the end of every sentence (with all the drinks lined up on a table by his side). Dont need to say that he was pissed at the end of it and couldnt care less what he said. Our crowd was so pissing themselves laughing at him trying to finish the speach, that no one cared less what he said. Just wanted him to carry on to finish all the drinks. Was funny. Mark