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To the citizens of the United States of America! In light of your recent failure ...

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Magawr, Jul 2, 2008.

  1. #1
    To the citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for
    President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
    the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
    all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not
    fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
    without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
    disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
    any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
    are introduced with immediate effect:

    1) You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    2) Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    3) The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
    'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
    half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
    A "curb" will rightly be spelled "kerb," -- and no more "Exit" signs; they
    will say "Way Out." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
    to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

    4) Consistently using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such
    as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
    account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    5) July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    6) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
    adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
    speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    7) Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
    dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
    carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will immediately
    begin driving on the left side of the street. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
    humour.

    9) The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
    gasoline) -- roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
    not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
    properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
    dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11) The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
    and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
    Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound-for-pound the
    greatest sporting Nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They
    are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them.
    American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
    can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    12) Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good
    guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
    and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
    cheese grater.

    13) You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
    football -- you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
    allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
    does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar
    body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby now -- the South
    Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14) Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
    borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let
    you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    15) You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16) An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys
    due (backdated to 1776).

    17) Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers
    (never with mugs), with high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, and with
    strawberries and cream when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

    John Cleese.
    SEMrush
     
    Magawr, Jul 2, 2008 IP
    Kerosene likes this.
    SEMrush
  2. bob50963

    bob50963 Peon

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    #2
    The queens pockets arent deep enough to support the USA ;)

    I didn't read your whole article. Since im limited to 4 inches by 4 viewing space(I'm at work).

    And I would like to know how you figured ALL of America failed? Did we ALL elect BUSH? Hmmm, lets play a game its called "name one thing the UK didn't copy from America? A.K.A "Failures".

    Please advise ;)


    I have nothing against the UK I have many friends. But you are ridiculous my friend.
     
    bob50963, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  3. Magawr

    Magawr Peon

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    #3
    A fairly typical case one presumes of an American who is not at all familiar with one of the UK's most recognisable actors, who was also one of the originators of the world famous Monty Python series.

    Calling me ridiculous, is the very epitome of ridiculousness since you most obviously have no grasp at all for very good dry humour.

    May I suggest you do a little research first about John Cleese? It may just help your cause.

    And grab yourself a sense of humour whilst your at it!

    Silly fellow.

     
    Magawr, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  4. Magawr

    Magawr Peon

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    #4
    Looks like I may have to explain the humour, before someone else takes rather great umbrage through a total misinterpretation of the humour on this side of the pond. :rolleyes: :D

    John Cleese is a UK comedian of the highest order and exceptionally well known, having starred on the tv for decades literally myriads of times. He's one of the UK's possible, greatest comedians to have ever lived.

    Next they'll tell me they've never heard of The Two Ronnies! :eek: :D

    John Cleese of Monty Python fame:

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=4vuW6tQ0218&feature=related
     
    Magawr, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  5. RedXer

    RedXer Peon

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    #5
    I remember this article from 04, is it even older than that? :D
     
    RedXer, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  6. PCSandwich

    PCSandwich Guest

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    #6
    Come on, my fellow Americans, you're embaressing me.
    You all know John Cleese
    He's that comedian that got famous for doing the voice of the King on Shrek 2!

    Sheesh!
     
    PCSandwich, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  7. Kerosene

    Kerosene Alpha & Omega™ Staff

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    #7
    You might need to dumb it down a little, try something more along these lines:

    [​IMG]

    :p

    Nice posts Magawr.
    +REP
     
    Kerosene, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  8. bob50963

    bob50963 Peon

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    #8
    Dumb it down a little are you serious? There are 1000s of famous people all over the world you'll never know about in your life time. Unless you spend your life studying them;). How is one suppose to know it was a joke? When there are 1000s of posts a day that aren't joking relating to the above. I'm not aware of "John Cleese". I do apologize.
     
    bob50963, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  9. clark71822

    clark71822 Peon

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    #9
    I have no problem with that...as long as I can still light off my firecrackers! :D
     
    clark71822, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  10. xmartel

    xmartel Active Member

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    #10
    lol, good one. As a fellow commonwealth citizen I whole heartedly agree. Nothing is greater than the metric system. :D

    God save The Queen.
     
    xmartel, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  11. Blogmaster

    Blogmaster Blood Type Dating Affiliate Manager

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    #11
    didn't John do "A fish called Wanda"? That one was not bad, but how about the sequel. Hardly a movie that should give someone credentials for deciding the political future of a world power. ;)
     
    Blogmaster, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  12. Kerosene

    Kerosene Alpha & Omega™ Staff

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    #12
    Jumping in to 'defend your country' before understanding/reading the entire post... maybe that's the problem?

    :)

    In the last 20 years John Cleese has been making money instead of comedy. I think he's even been in a few US sitcoms.
     
    Kerosene, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  13. homebizseo

    homebizseo Peon

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    #13
    I like the list. It was long but nice.
     
    homebizseo, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  14. Blogmaster

    Blogmaster Blood Type Dating Affiliate Manager

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    #14
    this is a generational thing, How many people under 25 know who John Cleese is?
     
    Blogmaster, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  15. Kerosene

    Kerosene Alpha & Omega™ Staff

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    #15
    You're probably right. Monty Python and Fawlty Towers still occasionally make it onto free to air TV in Australia, so there's still hope. Still, you don't need to know who Cleese is to understand that the OP wasn't taking a (serious) shot at the US.

    Pretty soon it will be an offence to criticise the US, even in a joke. Kinda like making bomb jokes on a plane :p
     
    Kerosene, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  16. Kim-Webgirl

    Kim-Webgirl Peon

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    #16
    That was brilliant, I really like the fact that you would have to change your sports and take on South Africa!!!!!!
     
    Kim-Webgirl, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  17. touchAshley

    touchAshley Active Member

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    #17
    Although it is supposed to be humor, many people will take a crack at the U.S. any chance they get. The United Kingdom will bust our balls, and we'll bust their balls. It's kind of like brothers fighting and joking with each other.

    I do have something else to say. UK folks keep making comments about Americans calling it soccer, when YOU are the ones that gave it that name! Tell all your friends in the UK too.

    Where Did The Name "Soccer" Come From?
    It derived from the name of "Associated Football"

    Just as the US' population adds "-y" or "-ish" to informally create an adjective from a noun, British young people (who were the ones who played the game), added "-er".

    Lose the "a" and you get "soccer."
     
    touchAshley, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  18. skyekills

    skyekills Banned

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    #18
    Is this supposed to be a joke or an insult? *waves the white flag* :D
     
    skyekills, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  19. CrazedContent

    CrazedContent Guest

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    #19
    Nice post there :D Don't think the Queen would like the trillions of debt she would have to take on.
     
    CrazedContent, Jul 2, 2008 IP
  20. muncle

    muncle Guest

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    #20
    I'm assuming it's a pretty funny read, but it's just too long and I can't be bothered to read this much. Happy 4th of July to our friends down south :)
     
    muncle, Jul 2, 2008 IP