Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job! Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie. http://jokes.comedycentral.com/random_joke.aspx?joke_id=321
A kid failed for 5 subjects in exam and said to his father Kid: Dad I only failed for 5 subjects Dad: Dont call me DAD anymore! KID:Okay Bastard i failed in 5 subjects!
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in 'the act'. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn?t have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving. The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her. The captain replied: "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York
A grade school teacher asked her students how to properly use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Molly was the first to raise her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.†The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.†Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.†The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’†Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a blouse with ten buttons, but her bust is so big she can only fasten eight.†The teacher sat down and cried
Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated. Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math. She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?" Little Zachary said, "No!" "What was it?" she asked. Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" Yes, they help me sleep at night. " "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. " You gotta love Grandmas I am glad you guys like the jokes.
hey that's fantastic joke ! Even i have a joke , you can get it at my blog too... Keep posting jokes !
A man meets a woman in a pub.. they flirt a bit to each other, go to his car and to it on the backseat. Walking back inside he says to her - had I known you were a virgin I had taken more time. She answers - had I known you had more time I had taken off my panties.
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down the main street of Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied, "You did that, Father." "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she. "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll be glad to light a candle for you." "Thank -you, Father." And away she went. Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well ," she said . "And tell me ," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful," he said, " And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said, " He's gone to Rome to blow out your damn candle."
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window… He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?†asks the doctor? “Yes, checking for abnormalities.†she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?â€, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.†Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?†She replies, “Yes, getting Genital Herpes - thats why I am here!â€
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and ******* as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing: "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"