The Jokes Thread

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

 

I just rec'd this one in from a joker friend of mine. I don't know why but I couldn't stop laughing, still!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,"That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adoniswhom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman i! n the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.






Male readers: Please scroll down








The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!



Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.



Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!



Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

EDIT: Warning if you have a weak stomache don't view this video

 

I am SO easily amused, but that was seriously funny. Bwhahahaha.

 

I, too am easily amused and think I gave the appropriate warning .

Funny, when I was posting it I was thinking about Wendy .

 

Sorry this is in ALL CAPS. I just got it this morning and thought y'all would like it but am too lazy to retype the damn thing.

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL;
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE,
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

 

Two Blonde students are in the cafeteria and see a newspaper
with this headline: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

One student shakes her head at the sad news, turns to her
friend and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

 

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

 

More of an anecdote than a joke really

 

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

LOL that was nice.
Thanks for the smile

 

LOL

That was a good laugh....

 

hahaha that was a good'un!!

 

Haha, that's funny!

 

What says "oooooooo" ?

A cow with no lips

(My 8 year old daughter told me that one)

 

What do you do if you see a spaceman...

...you park your car in it, man.

 

That video was so funny. cheers

 

5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3.The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2.The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I m mad at you, then I m certainly not going to tell you".
1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

What do you get when you cross a moron with an idiot?

Click here for the answer

 

TFF..... Now that was good!