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The Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Dominic, Jul 19, 2005.

  1. iskandar

    iskandar Well-Known Member

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    #101
    If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.
    SEMrush
    *Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
    *Eisenhower has joined the game.*
    *paTTon has joined the game.*
    *Churchill has joined the game.*
    *benny-tow has joined the game.*
    *T0J0 has joined the game.*
    *Roosevelt has joined the game.*
    *Stalin has joined the game.*
    *deGaulle has joined the game.*
    Roosevelt: hey sup
    T0J0: y0
    Stalin: hi
    Churchill: hi
    Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
    paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
    T0JO: lol
    Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
    benny-tow: haha america sux
    Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
    Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
    Stalin: cool
    deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
    Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
    Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
    Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
    Roosevelt: get antiair guns
    Churchill: i cant afford them
    benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
    paTTon: stfu
    Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
    deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
    Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
    paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
    Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
    deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
    *deGaulle has left the game.*
    Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
    benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
    benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
    Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
    T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
    Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
    T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
    Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf
    Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
    Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
    Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
    Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
    T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
    Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
    Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
    Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
    benny-tow: haha
    benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
    T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
    Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
    Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
    Stalin: church help me
    Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
    Stalin: dont be an arss
    Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
    Eisenhower: LOL
    benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
    Hitler: o man ur focked
    paTTon: oh what now biotch
    Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
    *benny-tow has been eliminated.*
    benny-tow: lame
    Roosevelt: gj patton
    paTTon: thnx
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
    Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
    Eisenhower: Nuts!
    benny~tow: wtf that mean?
    Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
    paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
    Stalin: rofl
    T0J0: HAHAHHAA
    Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
    Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
    *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
    benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
    Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
    Stalin: OMG LMAO!
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
    *Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
    paTTon: hahahhah
    T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
    benny~tow: shut up noob
    Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
    paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
    Eisenhower: yah me too
    T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
    Eisenhower: fock u
    paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
    Stalin: go to hell lol
    paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
    Eisenhower: yah this is gay
    *Roosevelt has left the game.*
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
    Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
    *tru_m4n has joined the game.*
    tru_m4n: hi all
    T0J0: hey
    Stalin: sup
    Churchill: hi
    tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
    tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
    Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
    tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
    Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
    T0J0: wtf is nukes?
    T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
    *T0J0 has been eliminated.*
    *The Allied team has won the game!*
    Eisenhower: awesome!
    Churchill: gg noobs no re
    T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
    *T0J0 has left the game.*
    *Eisenhower has left the game.*
    Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
    Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
    tru_m4n: l8r all
    benny~tow: bye
    Churchill: l8r
    Stalin: fock u all
    tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
    *tru_m4n has left the game.*
    benny~tow: lololol u commie
    Churchill: ROFL
    Churchill: bye commie
    *Churchill has left the game.*
    *benny~tow has left the game.*
    Stalin: i hate u all fags
    *Stalin has left the game.*
    paTTon: lol no1 is left
    paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
    *paTTon has been eliminated.*
    paTTon: o sh1t!
    *paTTon has left the game.*
     
    iskandar, Sep 24, 2005 IP
    SEMrush
  2. Homer

    Homer Spirit Walker

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    #102
    I just rec'd this one in from a joker friend of mine. I don't know why but I couldn't stop laughing, still!

    A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,"That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adoniswhom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

    So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman i! n the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
    answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
    Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.






    Male readers: Please scroll down








    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!



    Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.



    Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
    that women never listen!!!



    Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

    EDIT: Warning if you have a weak stomache don't view this video
     
    Homer, Sep 25, 2005 IP
  3. MELLA

    MELLA Peon

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    #103
    I am SO easily amused, but that was seriously funny. Bwhahahaha.
     
    MELLA, Sep 25, 2005 IP
  4. Homer

    Homer Spirit Walker

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    #104
    I, too am easily amused and think I gave the appropriate warning :).

    Funny, when I was posting it I was thinking about Wendy :eek:.
     
    Homer, Sep 25, 2005 IP
  5. e10

    e10 Well-Known Member

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    #105
    Sorry this is in ALL CAPS. I just got it this morning and thought y'all would like it but am too lazy to retype the damn thing.

    REDNECK LOVE POEM

    SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
    SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
    SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
    SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

    PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
    YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
    I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
    BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
    AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL;
    BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
    HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

    YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
    AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
    BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
    I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
    JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
    MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE,
    YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
     
    e10, Sep 27, 2005 IP
    Blogmaster likes this.
  6. blackbug

    blackbug Peon

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    #106
    Two Blonde students are in the cafeteria and see a newspaper
    with this headline: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

    One student shakes her head at the sad news, turns to her
    friend and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"
     
    blackbug, Sep 28, 2005 IP
  7. digimania

    digimania Peon

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    #107
    At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

    "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
     
    digimania, Sep 28, 2005 IP
  8. blackbug

    blackbug Peon

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    #108
    More of an anecdote than a joke really ;)
     
    blackbug, Sep 28, 2005 IP
  9. dilipsam

    dilipsam Well-Known Member

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    #109
    It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
    The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
    Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
    The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
    The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
    Johnny was even madder than before.
    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
    Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
    The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
    Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
    Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
    The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
    Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
     
    dilipsam, Sep 29, 2005 IP
    Crazy_Rob likes this.
  10. praveen

    praveen Notable Member

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    #110
    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
    Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

    He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
    Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
    "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
    never told a lie."

    "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
    St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
    moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

    "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
     
    praveen, Oct 5, 2005 IP
  11. angelfire

    angelfire Peon

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    #111
    LOL that was nice.
    Thanks for the smile :)
     
    angelfire, Oct 5, 2005 IP
  12. MattEvers

    MattEvers Notable Member

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    #112
    LOL

    That was a good laugh....
     
    MattEvers, Oct 5, 2005 IP
  13. MELLA

    MELLA Peon

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    #113
    hahaha that was a good'un!! [​IMG]
     
    MELLA, Oct 5, 2005 IP
  14. digimania

    digimania Peon

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    #114
    Haha, that's funny!
     
    digimania, Oct 6, 2005 IP
  15. worldpar

    worldpar Peon

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    #115
    What says "oooooooo" ?

    A cow with no lips

    (My 8 year old daughter told me that one)
     
    worldpar, Oct 6, 2005 IP
  16. blackbug

    blackbug Peon

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    #116
    What do you do if you see a spaceman...

    ...you park your car in it, man.
     
    blackbug, Oct 6, 2005 IP
  17. Dominic

    Dominic Well-Known Member

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    #117
    That video was so funny. cheers
     
    Dominic, Oct 6, 2005 IP
  18. ashu

    ashu Banned

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    #118
    5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
    3.The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    2.The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I m mad at you, then I m certainly not going to tell you".
    1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
     
    ashu, Oct 6, 2005 IP
  19. GuyFromChicago

    GuyFromChicago Permanent Peon

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    #119
    GuyFromChicago, Oct 6, 2005 IP
  20. larysmith711

    larysmith711 Notable Member

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    #120
    TFF..... Now that was good! :)
     
    larysmith711, Oct 6, 2005 IP