The Jokes Thread

I'll trade it for what's in the box Bob.

 

Whats the difference between a vitamin and a hormone...

You cannot hear a vitamin..

sorry again

 

Here's one for ysf1:

Q. What do you call and Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

A. Shawn-dolear

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs but still likes to swim? Bob.
What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his arse? Warren.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ileane
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug
What do you call a man having a fit in the bushes? Russel
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs but can actually still swim? Clever Dick

 

Forgot this one:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door? Matt.

 

Why Blondes dial 911

Coz there's no eleven on the phone

(You can curse me after this..)

 

Okay, these are Scottish and you really need to be there, but in honour of Dominic's last post,

A Scottish guy goes into a butchers.

Jock: Ge' us some pork.
Butcher: Lean?
Jock: Gee's some pork.

Bwahahaha. You really had to be there.

Scot's guy goes into the butchers:

Jock: Eeeh, ge'us some chops.
Butcher: Gigot?
Jock: Hey man, doop de doo, hey may chop's'll do!

Aaargh hahah. I know none of you know what the hell I am on about but that fairly cheered me up .

 

Not a joke, but a line I've heard the other day:

A woman may be able to fake an orgasm, but only a man can fake an entire relationship

 

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

 

LOL...

*knock, knock on the door*

salesman says: May I speak to the man of the house?
woman says: The man of the house, or the woman that knows what she's doing?

I know...kinda corny but, trust me, it could have been alot worst!

 

Anyone who missed the comic Scoble Goes to Google - check it out... very funny.

 

Q. Why does Dolly Parton have small feet?
A. It's hard for them to grow in the shade.

 

Whats gray and comes in pints?







Elephant... (i had to misspell cumes)



This fish swims into the wall and goes... Dam!

I just got these two on sms from a police oficer believe it or not *shakes head*

 

How does a blonde part their hair?
--By doing the splits.

I am sorry if you already heard this guys.

 

Well we're on the subject...
What do you call 3 blondes in the freezer?

Frosted Flakes.

 

Bobby was getting married in a week, and he never had sex with his girlfriend. He did not want to wait until the honeymoon for his new wife to find out that his penis would not get hard.

So he went to the doctor, the doctor said, well there is a new surgery that consist of using the muscle of a baby elephant's trunk. Bobby said, Ill try anything, and so he had the surgery.

One week later bobby was sitting in a resturant with his girfiend. All of a sudden he felt this big bulging pressure in his pants. Out came his penis, rolled across the table, grabbed a biscuit and rolled back in his pants.

Bobby's girlfriend said oh my god!!! Can you do that again? Bobby said yes I could but I dont know if I can fit another biscuit in my butt.

 

he he he i need to remember that one.

 

That's the best one so far

 

I second that

 

My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive...
...so I took her to the petrol station.

Yes, bloody awful, I know!