The Jokes Thread

Funny stuff Sarah & Sandwalker!

 

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!


giving credit

 

Some funny text messages I recieved recently:

I shall seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and control you
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan

...

All my love, 'the flu'

_____________________________

From the moment I saw you, I wanted to be inside you
I love your smell, the way your tongue feels
The way you tighten and loosen...

hmmmm........


New Shoes!

 

Why do lesbians carry tuna in their back pockets?

Snuff.

 

really funny stuff here guys. can't stop laughing, lol. keep them coming.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the internet cafe and logon to DP.

 

Perfect for my sweetheart. lol

 

what's brown and sticky













a stick

 

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

 

Speaking of dildos...

A woman walks into a sex shop and says, "Where are all the dildos?"

The guy behind the counter points and says, "They're over there on that wall."

The woman: "Ok, I'll take the big red one"


The guy: "Lady, that's the fire extinguisher!"

 

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

credit

 

Scientists are concerned, a recent discovery may reduce the birth rate unless binge drinking is reduced or people are Encouraged to drink less beer, beer contains female hormones and excessive drinking may reduce the ability of men to function as men.


To test the theory, 100 men were asked to drink six bottles of beer each over one-minute.
It was observed that 100% of the men:
1 gained weight,
2 talked excessively,
3 became overly emotional,
4 could not drive,
5 failed to think rationally,
6 argued over nothing,
7 had to sit down to urinate,
8 refused to apologise when obviously wrong.

No further testing is being considered.

 

you guys never run out of jokes! really funny stuff here.

 

Do you have one, Volly? (prove to us that you're not a bot)

 

This is too funny. I'm glad to see the Aussies can find some humor in this

 

2 southern ladies were sitting on the back veranda, overlooking the plantation. The first one says "Ma husband treats me so fine, for ma birthday he flew me all the way over to dine in the best restaurant in Paris."
The other lady says "That's nice, that's real nice."
First lady then says, "And for our weddin' anniversary, ma husband bought me a brand new Jaguar, and even had it painted in ma favourite shade of blue."
Second lady replies, "That's nice, that's real nice."
First lady continues "And see this here diamond ring? Ma husband took me shoppin' in Beverly hills the other day, just 'cause he likes to see me smile!"
Second lady again replies, "That's nice, that's real nice."
First lady asks "What's yer husband ever do fer you?"
Second lady replies, "Well, ma husband sent me ta finishin' school."
"Finishin' school?? Why'd you ever need to go to finishin' school?"
"Well, before I went to finishin' school, I used ta say 'fuck you', now I just say 'that's nice, that's real nice'."

 

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose
a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the
men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was,
once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that
floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands...

First floor:
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or
not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor:
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking. "Hmmm", said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"

Third floor:
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework. "Wow", said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor:
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
awaiting
us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor:
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left,
we hope you fall down the stairs."