1. Advertising
    y u no do it?

    Advertising (learn more)

    Advertise virtually anything here, with CPM banner ads, CPM email ads and CPC contextual links. You can target relevant areas of the site and show ads based on geographical location of the user if you wish.

    Starts at just $1 per CPM or $0.10 per CPC.

The Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Dominic, Jul 19, 2005.

  1. Bazkaz

    Bazkaz Peon

    Messages:
    839
    Likes Received:
    34
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #41
    Funny stuff Sarah & Sandwalker!
    SEMrush
     
    Bazkaz, Jul 24, 2005 IP
    SEMrush
  2. Blogmaster

    Blogmaster Blood Type Dating Affiliate Manager

    Messages:
    25,924
    Likes Received:
    1,354
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    380
    #42
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!


    giving credit :)
     
    Blogmaster, Jul 24, 2005 IP
  3. Dominic

    Dominic Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,725
    Likes Received:
    121
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    185
    #43
    Some funny text messages I recieved recently:

    I shall seek and find you
    I shall take you to bed and control you
    I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan

    ...

    All my love, 'the flu'

    _____________________________

    From the moment I saw you, I wanted to be inside you
    I love your smell, the way your tongue feels
    The way you tighten and loosen...

    hmmmm........


    New Shoes!
     
    Dominic, Jul 25, 2005 IP
  4. Crazy_Rob

    Crazy_Rob I seen't it!

    Messages:
    13,155
    Likes Received:
    1,366
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #44
    Why do lesbians carry tuna in their back pockets?

    Snuff.
     
    Crazy_Rob, Jul 25, 2005 IP
  5. voltaire

    voltaire Banned

    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    28
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #45
    really funny stuff here guys. can't stop laughing, lol. keep them coming.
     
    voltaire, Jul 25, 2005 IP
  6. Dominic

    Dominic Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,725
    Likes Received:
    121
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    185
    #46
    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To get to the internet cafe and logon to DP.
     
    Dominic, Jul 26, 2005 IP
  7. Jimdigi

    Jimdigi Peon

    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    21
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #47

    Perfect for my sweetheart. lol
     
    Jimdigi, Jul 27, 2005 IP
  8. Critters

    Critters Guest

    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    87
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #48
    what's brown and sticky













    a stick
     
    Critters, Jul 27, 2005 IP
  9. fryman

    fryman Kiss my rep

    Messages:
    9,604
    Likes Received:
    777
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    370
    #49
    A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
    "Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

    :D
     
    fryman, Jul 30, 2005 IP
  10. Crazy_Rob

    Crazy_Rob I seen't it!

    Messages:
    13,155
    Likes Received:
    1,366
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #50
    Speaking of dildos...

    A woman walks into a sex shop and says, "Where are all the dildos?"

    The guy behind the counter points and says, "They're over there on that wall."

    The woman: "Ok, I'll take the big red one"


    The guy: "Lady, that's the fire extinguisher!" :eek:
     
    Crazy_Rob, Jul 30, 2005 IP
  11. Blogmaster

    Blogmaster Blood Type Dating Affiliate Manager

    Messages:
    25,924
    Likes Received:
    1,354
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    380
    #51
    A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

    "How'd you get that, son?"

    "By hiking."

    "Hiking?"

    "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

    credit
     
    Blogmaster, Jul 30, 2005 IP
  12. MELLA

    MELLA Peon

    Messages:
    5,189
    Likes Received:
    267
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #52
    Scientists are concerned, a recent discovery may reduce the birth rate unless binge drinking is reduced or people are Encouraged to drink less beer, beer contains female hormones and excessive drinking may reduce the ability of men to function as men.


    To test the theory, 100 men were asked to drink six bottles of beer each over one-minute.
    It was observed that 100% of the men:
    1 gained weight,
    2 talked excessively,
    3 became overly emotional,
    4 could not drive,
    5 failed to think rationally,
    6 argued over nothing,
    7 had to sit down to urinate,
    8 refused to apologise when obviously wrong.

    No further testing is being considered.

    :eek:
     
    MELLA, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  13. voltaire

    voltaire Banned

    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    28
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #53
    you guys never run out of jokes! really funny stuff here.
     
    voltaire, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  14. Blogmaster

    Blogmaster Blood Type Dating Affiliate Manager

    Messages:
    25,924
    Likes Received:
    1,354
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    380
    #54
    Do you have one, Volly? (prove to us that you're not a bot)
     
    Blogmaster, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  15. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

    Messages:
    26,758
    Likes Received:
    4,067
    Best Answers:
    115
    Trophy Points:
    665
    #55
    Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

    They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

    So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, onlyto have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick
     
    sarahk, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  16. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

    Messages:
    26,758
    Likes Received:
    4,067
    Best Answers:
    115
    Trophy Points:
    665
    #56
    Two drovers standing in a bar ...

    One asked, "What are you up to?"

    "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

    "Oh yeah . . . and what route are you takin'?"

    "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
     
    sarahk, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  17. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

    Messages:
    26,758
    Likes Received:
    4,067
    Best Answers:
    115
    Trophy Points:
    665
    #57
    Thank goodness, I'm a New Zealander!
     
    sarahk, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  18. Blogmaster

    Blogmaster Blood Type Dating Affiliate Manager

    Messages:
    25,924
    Likes Received:
    1,354
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    380
    #58
    This is too funny. I'm glad to see the Aussies can find some humor in this :)
     
    Blogmaster, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  19. dper

    dper Member

    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    3
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    48
    #59
    2 southern ladies were sitting on the back veranda, overlooking the plantation. The first one says "Ma husband treats me so fine, for ma birthday he flew me all the way over to dine in the best restaurant in Paris."
    The other lady says "That's nice, that's real nice."
    First lady then says, "And for our weddin' anniversary, ma husband bought me a brand new Jaguar, and even had it painted in ma favourite shade of blue."
    Second lady replies, "That's nice, that's real nice."
    First lady continues "And see this here diamond ring? Ma husband took me shoppin' in Beverly hills the other day, just 'cause he likes to see me smile!"
    Second lady again replies, "That's nice, that's real nice."
    First lady asks "What's yer husband ever do fer you?"
    Second lady replies, "Well, ma husband sent me ta finishin' school."
    "Finishin' school?? Why'd you ever need to go to finishin' school?"
    "Well, before I went to finishin' school, I used ta say 'fuck you', now I just say 'that's nice, that's real nice'."
     
    dper, Jul 31, 2005 IP
  20. MELLA

    MELLA Peon

    Messages:
    5,189
    Likes Received:
    267
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    #60
    Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose
    a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the
    men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was,
    once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that
    floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
    place, never to return.
    A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
    husbands...

    First floor:
    The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
    read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or
    not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

    Second floor:
    The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
    extremely good looking. "Hmmm", said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
    further up?"

    Third floor:
    This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
    looking, love kids and help with the housework. "Wow", said the women,
    "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

    Fourth floor:
    This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
    are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
    romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
    awaiting
    us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

    Fifth floor:
    The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
    prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left,
    we hope you fall down the stairs."
     
    MELLA, Aug 1, 2005 IP