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The Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Dominic, Jul 19, 2005.

  1. Crazy_Rob

    Crazy_Rob I seen't it!

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    #21
    It's a girl's first time at the gynecologist. She's in the stirrups, and she's very nervous.

    The gynecologist says, "You're scared, aren't you?"

    She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."

    He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
    SEMrush
    She says, "Please."

    He goes (sticking nose in her lap), "Num, num, num, num..." :p :p :p
     
    Crazy_Rob, Jul 21, 2005 IP
    SEMrush
  2. mcfox

    mcfox Wind Maker

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    #22
    =============================

    Q. What's worse to kiss, Courtney Love or a 20-gauge shotgun?
    A. Ask Kurt Cobain.

    =============================
     
    mcfox, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  3. swd

    swd Guest

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    #23
    Now that's funny... :D
     
    swd, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  4. mcfox

    mcfox Wind Maker

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    #24
    =============================

    Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"?
    A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"

    =============================
     
    mcfox, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  5. Crazy_Rob

    Crazy_Rob I seen't it!

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    #25
    I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
     
    Crazy_Rob, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  6. focus3

    focus3 Peon

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    #26

    Thats not nice. They should pass a law allow the other twin to drive on the opposit side of the road legally. They could argue it with discrimination against conjoined twins
     
    focus3, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  7. Crazy_Rob

    Crazy_Rob I seen't it!

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    #27
    If I had twins I'd use one for spare parts!
     
    Crazy_Rob, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  8. focus3

    focus3 Peon

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    #28
    Are you getting used so much that you need spare parts?
     
    focus3, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  9. stephfoster

    stephfoster Well-Known Member

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    #29
    I'm not sure I want to know his answer to that!
     
    stephfoster, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  10. stuw

    stuw Peon

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    #30
    Q: How does a retard clear his sinuses?
    A: With a Joey Deacongestant.

    Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
    A: Christopher Walken.

    A man goes to the doctor and says,
    "Doctor, I'm having trouble with my hearing".
    "What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
    The man replies, "A yellow TV cartoon family".



    Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking
    battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

    They charged one and let the other one off.





    A little girl goes to see Santa in his grotto
    Santa: "What do you want for Christmas little girl?"
    Girl: "Barbie and GI Joe please"
    Santa: "Are you sure? Barbie usually comes with Ken?"
    Girl: "No, she comes with GI Joe - she fakes it with Ken".
     
    stuw, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  11. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

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    #31
    I don't know the original source but I got them from http://www.propertytalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3726

    The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

    A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

    A: What did your last slave die of?

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

    Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross.

    Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is..oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

    Come naked.

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

    A: You are a British politician, right?

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

    A: No, WE don't stink.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

    A: Only at Christmas.

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
     
    sarahk, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  12. Jimdigi

    Jimdigi Peon

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    #32
    If I could only leave this place and sopend the rest of my life there!lol
     
    Jimdigi, Jul 21, 2005 IP
  13. chris45

    chris45 Peon

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    #33
    FEMALE PRAYER
    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
    One who's handsome, smart and strong
    One who loves to listen long,
    One who thinks before he speaks,
    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
    I pray he's gainfully employed,
    When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
    Massages my back and begs to do more.
    Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
    Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
    I pray that this man will love me to no end,
    And always be my very best friend.
    Amen.


    MALE PRAYER
    I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
    store and a boat.
    This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
    Amen.
     
    chris45, Jul 22, 2005 IP
  14. mcfox

    mcfox Wind Maker

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    #34
    What Women Mean

    What she says: We should talk
    What she means: I need to complain

    What she says: I'm not upset
    What she means: Of course I'm upset, you idiot!

    What she says: It's your decision
    What she means: The correct decision, mine, should be obvious by now

    What she says: Do what you want
    What she means: You'll pay for this later

    What she says: We need
    What she means: I want

    What she says: I heard a noise
    What she means: I noticed you were almost asleep

    What she says: We need new curtains
    What she means: I want new curtains, the room redecorated, carpets, furniture ...

    What she says: Do you love me?
    What she means: I'm going to ask for something expensive

    What she says: Do you love me?
    What she means: I've done something you won't like

    What she says: Do you love me?
    What she means: I've bought another pair of shoes

    What she says: I'll be ready in a minute
    What she means: Get comfortable - you're in for a long wait

    What she says: Does my bottom look big in this?
    What she means: Your life is in peril!
     
    mcfox, Jul 22, 2005 IP
  15. Smitty218

    Smitty218 Active Member

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    #35
    A guy walks into a bar and says ouch
     
    Smitty218, Jul 22, 2005 IP
  16. Crazy_Rob

    Crazy_Rob I seen't it!

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    #36
    So a son asks his father, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"

    The father says. "well son before sex it looks like a beautiful flower ready to blossom."

    The son then asks, " what about after sex dad?"

    "Well son, have you ever seen a bull dog eating mayonnaise?"
     
    Crazy_Rob, Jul 22, 2005 IP
  17. Dominic

    Dominic Well-Known Member

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    #37
    Elephant Jokes

    Q. How can you tell if elephants have been bonking in your front yard?
    A. All the garbage bin liners are missing.

    Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
    A. Swim for your life.

    Q. What time is it if an elephant sits on your fence?
    A. Time to get a new fence.
     
    Dominic, Jul 23, 2005 IP
  18. Sandwalker

    Sandwalker Peon

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    #38
    Saw this one at the gym, made me laugh :)


    This overweight guy wants to get in shape, so he goes to his local gym. They have 3 plans, one for $50., one for $200. and one for $500.

    He tries the $50. plan. He's told to walk into the sauna and wait. A young blonde lady comes in and says "If you catch me, you can have sex with me". So he chases her around the room, working up a good sweat.

    The next day, he noticed he lost 7 pounds. Impressed, he goes back and signs up for the $200. plan, expecting even better results. Again, he's told to wait in the sauna. This time, 2 blonde women come in and say, "If you catch us, you can have sex with both of us". He runs around the room as fast as he can trying to catch them. He has the best workout he's ever had.

    The third day, he's lost even more weight. He gets all excited about what could be waiting for him this time. He puts down his $500. and says he wants the full treatment. He waits in the sauna, and this time a big, muscular man shows up. Confused, he asks where the blondes are. The muscular man says to him, "If I catch you, I get to have sex with you".
     
    Sandwalker, Jul 23, 2005 IP
  19. Dominic

    Dominic Well-Known Member

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    #39
    lol.. brilliant Sandwalker!
     
    Dominic, Jul 23, 2005 IP
  20. wissam

    wissam Well-Known Member

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    #40
    so that was funny T_T ... keep it up guys
     
    wissam, Jul 24, 2005 IP