The Jokes Thread

A man walked into a bar ...


and said "Ouch!"

 

hahaha.. good stuff.. where you get this from?

 

oh gosh...i thought everything that was written there was true...
what a relief for the father...

 

very funny

 

LOL... that was very good...

 

have read this one before

 

Pretty funny....

 

ahahaha! almost got me...clever trick to pull into dads. hey fathers day are just round the corner right?

 

Be careful.. If your dad is short tempered or something like that... lol.. i won't recommend this.. specially if he owns a gun or something like that.. chainsaw ??

 

quite funny indeed! lol

 

A man's wife asks him one day to fix the fridge.

The man replies what do i look like the maytag man?

The wife then asks him to fix the fron stairway.

The man replies what do I look like a carpenter.

The wife asks the man to fix the toilet.

The man replies what do I look like a plumber.

After arguing with hsi wife the man takes off and hits the bar for a few beers.

After a little while of drinking he starts to feel bad and goes home to fix the things for his wife.

When he gets home the fridge is fixed the stairs are perfect and the toilet is working well.

He asks his wife how this happened.

She said the neighbor stopped by and offer to fix the stuff for her if a) she slept with him or b) she baked him a nice cake.

The man asks his wife what she baked for the neighbour.

The wife replies what do i look like BETTY CROCKER?

Mwahahahahahaha

 

don't know if this one has been posted before.. but here goes.

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion: Men are better friends

 

What is a specimen?








.... an Italian astronaut.

 

A conversation heard at a local pub:

A conversation heard at a local pub: "Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me." "But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you." "No you're not." "Yes, I am." "Can prove you're not. Bet you $5." "You are on." "You're not in New York City, are you?" "That is true." "And you're not in Montreal." "I can't argue with you there." "And you are definitely not in Paris." "Nope." "If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else." "Yeah, that makes sense." "Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5." "Can't do it." "Why not?" "I'm not here."

 

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She do es not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a " TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

 

its gonna be something classic ..
the world isnt so friendly .. we need to smile n laugh more!
why dont we share our laughter here?

let's share things that make u laugh ..

read this friends!


Rules that Guys wish desperately are Known by Women

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask
us. We refuse to answer.

2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

3. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to
think of it that way.

4. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.

5. You have enough clothes.

6. You have too many shoes.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious
hints do not work. Just say it!

10. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.

11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.

13. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than
deceived.

14. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
one.

16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is
genetic.

17. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

18. The relationship is never going to be like it was the
first two months we were going out.

19. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

20. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

21. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack
of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.

22. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the
fantasy includes you AND her, together.

 

VeryVery Nice! ROFL!

 

thats a nice piece!

 

Tooth Pulling

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

 

So you joined a webmaster forum just to post a bunch of jokes?

Here is the correct thread for it
http://forums.digitalpoint.com/showthread.php?t=70286