The Jokes Thread

What Is A Million Years?

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

"God? You there, God?" he asked

"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.

"Go ahead, my son, anything."

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question.

"God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

Did you understand the joke?

 

Lol pretty funny wait until a million years to have a million dollars

Here's one I like

The Brave Man Kissing

Kissing a Ladies forehead is a sign of respect, Lip is Love, breast is loyalty, tummy is heroism, v@g*n@ is patiotsm and kissing her @$$h0!e is the greatest act of bravery ..

 

A great list of wisdom:

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he can drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. Don't squat with your spurs on.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

 

I don't know if this thread was posted or not. If so..sorry. Please post your favorite internet joke for this thread.

 

First let us start this thread with your joke.

 

Oho... no jokes.... Ok... I'll start the first one..

Rules of me:
1. I am always right
2. Just in case I am wrong see rule 1

 

A guy walks into a bar...

...ouch!

 

Nice Jokes all..... Lemme contribute mine, I hope its fresh one for most

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:






· Oops!


· That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.



· Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!



· Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?



· OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.



· Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.



· Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?



· Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie



· If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.



· Damn, there go the lights again...



· Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!



· I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.



· Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.



· What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!



· What do you mean, he's not insured?



· This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?



· Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?



· I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.



· Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"



· Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?



· Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!

 

Unable to persuade the wife to lose weight, the husband said, "Darling do you know there is 40 pounds of you to whom I am not leaglly married".

 

Here's mine www.jokes.hiifii.com
10000+ Jokes

 

There was a Redneck who was down on his luck. In order to raise some
money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've
kidnapped you".

The Redneck then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango
tree on the north side of the city playground. Signed: 'A Redneck'"

The Redneck then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to
show it to his parents. The next morning the The Redneck checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. The Redneck opened up the bag and found the $2,00,000 in cash with a note saying: "How can a redneck do this to a fellow redneck? Take the money, and Please leave my son. Signed: 'Another Redneck' ".

 

Ha ha good one

But read it before

 

rednecks rule...

 

hahahhaha... was a good one

 

Elephant says to Camel " Why do you have boobs on your back ? ".

Camel Replies " Thats a fukin' good question from someone having a penis on his face ".

ROFL !!!

 

hahahhahaha !!! that was funyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

A man walks out of a bar.

 

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an
Envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was
addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving
home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid
a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is
So nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all
his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that
we can be very happy together. Even though
Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other
girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He
wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be
growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grand children.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her
father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is
safe for me to come home. I love you!

 

Hehehe... Good find

 

yeah, but nz-sheeps are quite pretty. in australia they only have this "lets be friends" kind of sheep, nothing you want a relationship with