The Jokes Thread

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem”. The clerk comes over and asks if
he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op
dere,” says Gerry, “Put dem in a peeper bag.” The clerk does and the two
guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “Dis looks loike a grand
place, eh?” says Gerry. “Oh, yeh, dis looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first eh
Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off
the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ‘SPLAT’. As
Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Fock
dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too fockin’ dangerous for me”

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. He pulls a parrot out of the
bag,
and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
“Hi, Paddy. Watch this,” Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of
the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s
head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, As he joins
Gerry’s remains at the bottom, Paddy shakes his head and says, “An’ oim
never troyin’ dat parrotshooting nider”
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been
to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself
of the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - “Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his
budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin’ hen
gliding”

 

A Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman walked into a pub, and the barman says to them: "What's this? A joke?"

 

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up." The old man answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not coming over." The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you knw that I'm one of the best solicitors in all of Ireland, and if you don't let me retrieve my bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!" The old farmer looked him over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick method. "And what would that be?", asked the lawyer. The farmer said, "First I kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like that till one or the other gives up." The attorney thought this over, and quickly decided he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to the local custom. The old farmer walked slowly over to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy boot in the solicitor's groin dropping him to his knees. The second blow nearly wiped the lawyers nose off his face. The attorney was flat on the ground when the farmer's third kick to the kidney almost finished him. The lawyer dug deep for his every bit of will, dragged himself standing, and said, "Okay you old bugger, now it's my turn. The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw I believe I'll give up now. You can have the bird."

 

ALCOHOL WARNING you may see in future.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode

 

What did one snowman say to the other?




Do you smell carrots?

 

3 old guys are sitting on the patio at the nursing home having lunch

the first in his late 70's says geez guys I don't know whats wrong with me
but I can't seem to take a satisfying piss, every time I feel like I gotta go
I run to the bathroom but it just dribbles out ...

the second in his late 80's says I don't have any problems peeing but I can't
ever take a helathy crap, I sit there constipated, just trying and trying, I've
tried prune juice laxatives but nothing

the third in his late 90's says whats wrong with you guys your still young
I take a nice healthy pee every morning right around 9:00, and a nice healthy
crap a little after 10:00 ...

I just gotta stop sleepin til noon

 

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

 

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot,
he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.







He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?


"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed.....
so we're just waiting."

 

Something you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer

Man: Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

 

There is already a jokes thread here

http://forums.digitalpoint.com/showthread.php?t=21828

 

oooopsssssss! sorry!

 

kid: dad! my teacher suspended me and he wants you to go to her office tomorrow!
dad: why? what the hell happened?
kid: she asked me questions... i answered, and she got mad...
dad: what?! what did she asked you?
kid: ok, i'm gonna ask you the same... 4+6?
dad: 10
kid: 6+4?
dad: what's the fuckin' difference?!
kid: that's what i said...

 

another one...

Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"Is that all?", Holmes asked.
"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?".
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you dickhead. Someone has stolen the fucking tent."

 

Saving For Marriage

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the cubical. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.

The priest was shocked. He told the young man that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"

 

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

 

Ok, I just don't know how he could get out of that mess..

 

A drunk walks into the doctors office and asks him for some medical advice. The doctor takes out 2 glasses. He fills one up with vodka and the other with water, he then places a worm in each. The worm in the water is happily swimming around while the worm in the vodka is motionless. The doctor says "now what does this tell you?"
The drunk replies "if i drink vodka, i wont get worms"

 

two condoms walking past a bar.
one condom to the other... lets go in and get shit faced...

 

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
How are we supposed to find the egg in all this shit?

 

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"Okay, mister, but this is a private club, so slip 20 bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"