See Mella, why do you think guys still have the upper hand in society... we know what we want and get to the point. Clear communication!
Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question... "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "Let's take your car." Really means... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling "Good idea." Really means... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means... "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me." Really means... "You want me to stay awake." "It's a really good movie." Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "That's women's work." Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Will you marry me?" Really means... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." "Go ask your mother." Really means... "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means... "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house." Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means... "What did you catch me at?" "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago." "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means... "She refused to make my coffee." "But I hate to go shopping." Really means... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means... "You may actually get it to start." "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions." "I heard you." Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I brought you a present." Really means... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game." "I missed you." Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means... "I like you more than my truck." "I recycle." Really means... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" "It sure snowed last night." Really means... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now." "It's good beer." Really means... "It was on sale." "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." "I broke up with her." Really means... "She dumped me." "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Kofi Annan’s New Year's UN Resolutions Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper beard more. Apply for US citizenship. Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony! Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more. Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!" Make the UN more bureaucratish. Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg. Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower. Finally count out Third World dues change jar. Resolve to cut the word “Secretary†from title. “General Annan†catchier. Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or “THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUBâ€. Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks. Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi. Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!
Hans Across Iraq Dear Mr. Blix, Welcome to Iraq! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters. I realize that many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on behalf of Western oil companies. Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I thought I’d help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few “Dos†and “Don’tsâ€. DO: Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World “savagesâ€. We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached bones. I joke! DO: Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use. Moreover, ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are indigenous to Baghdad. While you’re at it, ignore the totally desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at the corner of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard. DO: Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire. And while you’re busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos sovereignty, feel free to double-check the bedpans of the dying, gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour into the dirt any and all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might uncover. DON’T: Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks or Nintendo Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless, aesthetic “tools†you cannot unearth the make-believe stores of plutonium I don’t have hidden underneath my opulent Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for my own noble pleasures. DON’T: Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your Liberal Arts Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture than the advanced West. Whereas you respect the differences between languages, cultures and value systems, I want to kill. Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school teachers, the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure, my new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan. DON’T: Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think it barbaric and backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system is based on sound fascistic principles that have helped keep the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate squalor for decades. I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience. I pray that those of you I do not like do not accidentally get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you are busy inventing! In Me I Trust, Saddam
Yo' momma's so fat... ...I yelled 'Hey Kool-Aid!', and she busted through the wall. Yo' momma's so poor... ...when she goes to KFC she licks other people's fingers!
Reasons that Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...dancing arround with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
One day Oprah has a very bad cold and decides to go the doctor The nurse comes in and check her breathing etc and asks her to take off her clothes and tells her the doctor will be in shortly. Now Oprah's confused ... why would I have to take my clothes off for a cold, but figures he's the doctor so takes off her clothes and sits on the examining table. The doctor comes in and asks how shes feeling, so she says she has a very bad cold and cough ... hmmm the doctor says Do you mind getting up and kneeling against that wall, so she does it hmmm ... do you mind moving over to the other wall, so she does it hmmm ... just then Oprah gets pissed off and demands to know what kneeling against the wall has to do with her cough and cold . . . ... nothing the doc replies, I got a black leather couch being delivered and want to see how its gonna look
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager. Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I wont!"
One wish to each Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." She became a brunette. The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" So, she became a man.
Let's take a trip to Disney Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!" After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
The blonde test taker A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Things that make you a man... 1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - Another free kick for Scott West? A Barry Hall tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle? 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt??" "Nahhhh." 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence Of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrrrr, what does It look like?" 10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past," it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11. USING POWER TOOLS - especially ones slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! "How about that Stewy? I kick so hard I set off car alarms." 13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork crackling. 15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, Mitre 10 would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18. TAKING OUT £250 FROM AN ATM - okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Royal Oak it is then. Seven. See ya." 20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver. 21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Oh nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, woman?"
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."