The Jokes Thread

OK, I wanna start a jokes thread... so I did. Tell a joke here and make us laugh.

OK, here is my first one:

Mother says to daughter: If a boy is getting to frisky, just stop and ask "What will we call the baby?"
That's a good idea the girl thinks, so she tries it out.

One day she is making out with a boy and things start to get a little overheated. She stops and says "What are we gonna call the baby?" and the boy bails.

Great she thinks, this works well.
She keeps using this line for a few years till she gets to the point where she is wanting things to go 'too far' herself.

She is making out with her BF on the banks of a fast moving river. Things are getting really racy, he puts on a condom and makes love to her.
When he is done, he takes it off, ties a knot in the end and throws it in the river.

Blissfully dazed and confused, she says 'What will we call the baby?'
He just laughs and says "Babe, if he can get out of that one we'll call him 'Houdini'!"

 

RAH!

here's mine:

Why is it difficult for girls to PEE in the morning?





Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich!?

 

My favourite jokes though are my cow jokes:

Q. What did the farmer say to the cow when he saw it on the roof of the dairy?
A. Get down.

Q. What did the farmer say to the cow when he saw it on the roof of the dairy, but the cow was wearing sunglasses?
A. Nothing, he didn't recognise it.

Q. Why did the cow roll down the hill?
A. Because the farmer eventually got the shits with all the cow's tomfoolery and sawed it's legs off.

 

A man is worried about his wife, as she is very ill.

So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor runs some tests and then reports back to the man.

Well, this is actually quite embarrasing. We have run many tests an worked out it could be one of two things.

What are those two things Doc? says the man.

It is either Aids or Alzheimer's.

So what do I do?

The doctor says, well actually, to determine which one she has, we have a simple test you yourself can perform.

Take your wife to the shopping centre and leaver here there.

If she finds her way home.....




Don't f' her!

 

Here's one for T2Dman (he is a New Zealander, otherwise known as Kiwis). In Australia we always joke about how Kiwis f' sheep.

How did the Kiwi find the sheep in the long grass?






Quite enjoyable.

 

Come on - scratch your funny bone and post a joke!

 

LOL... and a long swim for those strong enough to make the journey to the mainland.

 

It's nice to have this thread every once in a while. Thanks guys!

 

How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb?



10.

1 to change the bulb and 9 to keep the bugs at bay

 

I was in a pub yesterday and the cigarette machine
said "You smell and you're ugly"

Then I heard a voice coming from a nearby plate
of peanuts saying "You're a very handsome young man"

Turns out the cigarette machine was out of order
and the nuts were complimentary.




David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to
the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."






A man rings his office and says,
"I can't come into work today as I'm sick."

His boss asks him, "So how sick are you?
"Well, says the man, "I'm in bed with
my 12 year old son..."




Q: Did you hear that the humanitarian aid going to
the tsunami crisis area includes three thousand
bottles of fairy liquid?
A: Apparently, a lot of people are washing
up on the beaches.

If you laughed, send money to the disaster fund:
http://www.dec.org.uk/

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(wait for it)









The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

 

These are supposed to be all true.


Truth is Stranger than Fiction
===============================

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

********************

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they
took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that
the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed
there.

******************

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting
a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells
Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.

*********************

Drug Possession Defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
"Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the
same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the
pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to
compose himself.

*********************

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial in a district court
for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fired his
lawyer. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47,
was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store
manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up,
accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown
your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly
added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

*********************

R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his
drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments
later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen
showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in
St. Louis, Missouri.

*********************

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I
don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of
his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over
and agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the
scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.

*********************

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

************************************

A True Story. If she had killed herself, God forbid, she'd be a
shoo-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer, down on Lake
Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, California, a woman, new to boating was having a
problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her
brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane
at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to
a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect
working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and
down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the
marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(wait for it........)

(remember, this is supposed to be true.......)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the
trailer! ("GO FIGURE!!!!")

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other showsAIDS!"

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"

Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town.

If she finds her way home, don't shag her."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.



"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket: £105.00
Court Costs: £45.00
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS

 

"Sure thing, Dave....no hassle!"


That's great!!!!

 

Funny chat up line I heard on a forum the other day.


Todays word is "legs"
...So spread the word baby!

 

===============================

Q.How do you make 5lbs of fat look attractive?
A. Put a nipple on it.

===============================

 

The husband comes home and looks at his wife and says:

"I'm the man of the house!"

Still strutting, he continues "... and what I say GOES"

"Woman, get in there and wash those dishes and cook my supper. And when I'm done eating, you can run me a bath and then rub my feet"

"And do you know who's going to lay my clothes out for me afterwards?" he says


The woman takes one long look at him and says "My guess would be the Funeral Director"

 

I guy gets pulled over by the cops, cop asks ... "What's your name?"

He says "Wank Break"

"Don't mess me around kido, what's you real name." says the cop.

"That's my name, I can't help it if my parents were cruel. Look, just give me the damn ticket and stop tormenting me." he says.

The cop thinks about it and says... "OK, but if I want to check this out later, where do you work?"

The guy says "Balls, Balls, Better Balls and Bearings Boston."

"What the f, are you serious?" says the cop.

"Ring em yourself, they are a leading ball bearing distributor, I'm a sales rep." he says.

The guy sounds for real so the cop writes up his ticket and lets him go.

Later that week, the cop is at the pub with his cop friends... and tells them about the guy Wank Break. They laugh at him and say he got tricked.

So the cop is pissed off. The next day he decides to ring this place: Balls, Balls, Better Balls and Bearings Boston.

The girls answers the phone "Hello, Balls, Balls, Better Balls and Bearings Boston... how can I help you?"

The officer says "Yes mam, just wondering... do you have a 'Wank' - 'Break' there?"

She replies: "No sir, we are so busy... we don't even get time for a coffee break."








Not all that funny, but when you tell the joke for some reason, depending on what funny nasal voice you give the girl answering the phone... people tend to loose it when you say the Balls, Balls, Better Balls and Bearings Boston bit.

 

haha! funny stuff! thanks, just when i needed one. keep them coming!