I'm dating a wonderful Jewish woman and she just sent this email to me. I thought it was so funny, I had to share it.... ------------------------------------ SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM FOR YOM KIPPUR During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible. 1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one ___ Talking section ___ No talking section 2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest ___ Stock market ___ Sports ___ Medicine ___ General gossip ___ Specific gossip (choose ___ The rabbi ___ The cantor ___ The cantor's voice ___ The cantor's significant other ___ The rabbi ___ Fashion news ___ What others are wearing ___ Why they look awful _ __ Your neighbors ___ Your relatives ___ Your neighbors' relatives ___ Presidential Election (uh oh) ___ Sex (Preference:______________________ ___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom Other:_______________________________ 3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice? __ Doctor __ Dentist __ Nutritionist __ Psychiatrist __ Child psychiatrist __ Podiatrist __ Chiropractor __ Stockbroker __ Accountant __ Lawyer __ Criminal __ Civil __ Real estate agent __ Architect __ Plumber __ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________ ) __ Sexologist __ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One] __ Other:____________________________ 4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority __ On the aisle __ Near the exit __ Near the window __ In Aruba __ Near the bathroom __ Near my in-laws __ As far away from my in-laws as possible __ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible __ Near the pulpit __ Near the Kiddush table __ Near single men __ Near available women __ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services __ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge] 5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where: __ I can see my spouse over the mechitza __ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza __ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza __ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza 6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.) _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ ________________________ _ _________________________ _________________________ Your name:_________________________________ Building fund pledge: $________________________
I wished we had a wishlist like that in church when I grew up I always wound up next to the heaviest woman (smushing me) with the loudest voice.
Very funny. From my experience #2 is very accurate. #3 is applicable all year long. The other points are quite funny. Think I would have preferred going where she goes rather than some of the services I've been to over the years. Dave