The Funniest Joke/story Contest - Cash Prize!!!

A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head, which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully: "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."

She squeezed his hands as he continued: "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply...."

He continued: "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me... "

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You're a freaking jinx!"

 

Here are some Chuck Norris jokes:

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter!

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

and for the best:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice !! )

 

I just died laughing.

IT

 

okay okay okay.
this is my example of something funny:

three girls get sent to heaven.
a brunette, red head, and blonde.

god is waiting for them at heavens gates.
he says
"ill tell you 100 jokes. if any of you laugh at any youll be sent to hell"

so at the 25th joke the red head laughs and gets sent to hell.
at the 85th joke the brunette laughs and gets sent to hell.
at the 99th joke the blonde laughs.

god says:
"why'd you laugh you were so close?!"

and she says:

"i just got the first joke!"

 

You posted on a 234 days old thread ..
Plus with a very light color font -_-"

Rajat

 

lol, thus anyone reading the date of posting? maybe mods can close old thread so no others can reply to it.

 

My all time favorite joke, I actually posted it on DP 622 days ago:


Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot goes into a bar after a long day of fighter plane piloting and quickly meets a lady. A few drinks and a short time later they are back at Jacques’ apartment. Soon enough they a kissing but Jacques stops, grabs some red wine and pours it over her lips.

She asks “Jacques, what are you doing?”

He replies: “I’m Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot and when I have red meat I have to have red wine.”

“Oh, how sweet” she comments.

Not long after Jacques is a bit lower, kissing her breasts, but again he stops, grabs some white wine and pours it all over her breasts.

She yelps “Jacques, what are you doing?”

He replies: “I’m Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot and when I have white meat I have to have white wine.”

“Oh, how sweet” she comments.

Not long after Jacques has moved his way down lower.

She’s moaning in pleasure when Jacques again stops, grabs some brandy, pours it all over her and lights it on fire.

This time she screams Jacques, what are you doing?”


“I’m Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames.”

 

Dope, normally I look, but I'm tired, but, alas, it's still a funny joke, at least I think so.

 

Nice joke Roman

Now...can somebody please put this thread out of its misery??

 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

Feet cold and wet.
-Glass being held at incorrect angle.
-Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
-Improper bladder control.
-Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless................
-Glass empty.
-Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
-You have fallen over backward.
-Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
-You have fallen forward.
-See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
-Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
-Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
-You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
-Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
-You are being carried out.
-Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
-Bar has closed.
-Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
-Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
-Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
-You are dancing on the table.
-Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
-It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
-Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
-You have been in a fight.
-Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
-You've wandered into the wrong party.
-See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.
-The beer is too weak.
-Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
-Beer is just right.
-Play air guitar.

 

Computer VS. Car

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

This is over a year old !!!

 

Oh man.......

 

you will win for sure man

 

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."

"Except what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

Businessman "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...

"Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

 

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you
have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***

 

my second entry - http://www.roundviews.com/2008/01/09/customer-care-service-in-2050/

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

This Is Over A Year Old, Winner Has Been Chosen Already