The Funniest Joke/story Contest - Cash Prize!!!

Haha, nice one

 

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

 

A duck goes to a restaurant. Orders himself a nice meal and after hes done a waiter come over to him. "Would you be paying cash or check" the waiter asks. The duck says, "Put it on my bill!"


oh man.. gets me every time

 

#38



This ones good lol N1 lol

 

A MBA and a B.com go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the B COM wakes his MBA friend. "
Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.

" Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The B.COM is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent".

 

The post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.

The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:

Dear God,

I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won't bother you again.

The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."

The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.

Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.

Dear God,

I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
Thanks again.

P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.

 

A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors.

Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.

"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told the doctor.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the doctor.

The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "Peter," she repeated over and over. "Oh, Peter!"

"She was to marry a man named Peter," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."

They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straightjacket, shrieking insanely, "Peter! Peter!"

"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost Peter also."

"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"

 

A TC in a train collects fine from girls...


he collects Rs.300 from a girl-
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she was wearing sleeveless.





from 2nd girl he collects Rs. 200
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she was wearing sleeveless & backless.




From 3rd girl he collects Rs. 100
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she was wearing a sleeveless & backless & a skimpy mini-skirt...






From 4th girl he collects Rs. 0

why?












perverted dirty minds !! what r u thinking??
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She had a ticket !!!

 

Alright. This contest is officially over now!

Everybody made very nice posts. The ones that I liked the most were:

surfnearnzone - monkey joke

Coolalex - vacuum cleaner joke

DodgyAnt - cow joke

karl turnbull - lawyet joke

karl turnbull - period joke

karl turnbull - Proxy Father

ahkip - blonde joke

rana_sandhya - I would do anything joke

Sorry if your post is not on the list. I liked all of them but, these were the BEST ones!

I liked the Proxy Father joke the most so...the winner is karl turnbull

Congratulations Karl! You won $10!

Cheerio!!

-Bender

 

nice one bender i will spend the prize money well m8 , cheers karl

 

Congratulations..... karl turnbull

Thanx Bender for liking my post

 

Gratz Karl! That was my favorite too!!

 

The homeowner was delighted with the way Santa had done all the paintwork on his house.

"You did a great job," he said as he handed Santa his fees. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie."

Santa declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that."

"I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it."

"Well," said Santa reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Santa, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers.

Thinking that Santa had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?"

"Nope," replied Santa. "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

 

I was thinking exactly like Santa... I had to re-read it...

 

A sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile and pyromaniac in a psychiatric ward.

SADIST: hey, why don't we torture a cat?

ZOOPHILE: let's torture then f*ck it.

MURDERER: you should torture it, f*ck it then kill it.

NECROPHILE: once it's dead,. let's f*ck it again.

PYROMANIAC: yeah! then let's set it on fire!

**SILENCE**

They all looked at the MASOCHIST and said "What about you? Do you have anything to say?"

MASOCHIST: meow.

 

OMG!!! DUDE! That is one of the sickest jokes I have heard in a while! I love it!!!

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Nick! New arrivals.... want? 25% off now..."

 

I think Contest is over. And karl turnbull is the winner......

 

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.

When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.

At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.

"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."

 

A friend:- are you trying to make fool out of me?
The other"oh,no.I never interfere with nature'.