A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' ''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
A young girl was sitting in class when the teacher said that it was impossible to be swallowed by a whale and the young girl disagreed and said, "But Jonah was swallowed by a whale!" and the teacher said, "No, it's impossible." And the young girl replied, "Well when I get to heaven I'll ask him" and the teacher said "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" and the girl replied, "Then you ask him."
found this in DP sometime ago...too good i need to share again A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My gosh!", the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordian that was stomped on by and elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine." the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front on me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was... " "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me."
Excellent posts carl!!! Especially the one about period. Ahkip! I like the accident joke very much! First I thought she was probably driving in the forest.. Ah..it's going to be hard to chose but, we will see! Keep posting plz. this thread is hilarious!! -Bender-
More jokes from moi! In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryero not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. *printed on bottom of the box* (Too late! You lose!)(I love it: food to piss you off.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta irono not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?) On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?) On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning ) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (DDDUUUHHH) On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?) On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Another one : One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation. You've probably read this one, but it's a classic
And another ;D : The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' ''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. ''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' ''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. ''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' ''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' ''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' ''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. ''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' ''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. ''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. ''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith. ''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' ''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. ''Yes,'' the photographer said. ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?'' ''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' ''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. ''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
This is a true story, and it actually happened to me! (excuse the language, I wrote this a few months ago) was with my friend, and we were just chillin, then we went to this park and we were doing stupid shit, we started playing basketball, and all of a sudden I had to take a GIANT shit, and my house is really far, so Im like "BRB" to my mates and I go behind this hill, I can't hold it in so I finally let loose and the shit goes EVERYWERE, on my jeans, and my underwear got literally vaporized, so after all the shit im like so fucking depressed and running away when any of my friends come near me, and my friend snuck up on me, and is like .. "WTF SMELLS LIKE SHIT" I turn around and run, and hes following me, I call my dad to pick me up, and I went home took a 5 hour shower, threw away my pants + underwear, and never spoke about it again until now..
lol way to much info m8 , ( and by the way you just told thousands of people you shit yourself ) hehehehehehe
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
Here is a true story about something which happened to my dads friends..friend. Ok so this boss had fired a man the previous day. The man didnt seem to be too bothered about this. And the next day they continiued as usual. Then the guy which had been fired came in. Went to the boss's office stoop up on the edesk, pulled his pants and undies down, and took a shit on his desk right infront of the boss. He then left and was never seen again. Lol.
Teacher: Why are you late? Manu: Because of the sign. Teacher: What sign? Manu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." Teacher: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Johny: Me! Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" Manu: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time." Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Manu: Brotherly love. Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Johny: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Manu: A teacher
I made this up ages ago. A kid goes to his dad: "What's the difference between potentially and reallity" The dad replied "Go ask you mum if she would sleep with brad pitt for $1million, go ask your sister if should would sleep with Orlando Bloom for $1M, and go ask you brother if he would sleep with David Beckham for $1M." The kid says ok. He goes to his mum. "Would you marry bradd pitt for $1M?" "YEH!" replied the mum. He goes to his sister. "Would you marry Orlando Bloom for $1m?" "Yeh, He's fit as hell" she replied. He goes to his Brother. "Would you marry David Beckham for $1Million?" "Yeh i suppose, for $1M." Replied the brother. The kid goes back to his dad. "I think i know the difference between potentially and reality. Potentially were living on $3 million dollars. In Reality were living with two sluts and a gay." (Took me 5 mins to write that out!!)
"Can you name three kinds of cars that start with P?" "Pontiac....... uhhh..... Pinto......" "No, those all start with gas"
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything??" "Yes,.. Anything!" She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"