The Funniest Joke/story Contest - Cash Prize!!!

Hey Everybody!

I'm opening a contest for the funniest joke/story/event/(or even a picture)! Please, submit your stories here. May be your own story or something you've heard or even fictional. Each person can submit 3 jokes at most (to prevent spamming). The contest will run for 10 days starting from now and I'll pick a winner at the end.

Please note that this contest is ONLY for fun! It's not about winning or loosing although I include a small cash prize to make this even more interesting (and to be able to list it in this section ). The prize is $10 via paypal.

This is just my humble attempt to make this new section (kindly added by Shawn) even a more colorful and fun place!

Please, submit your stories and above all have fun!!!

-Bender-

Edit: Can't believe I submitted 1900th post!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If all the big breasted women work at HOOTERS...Where do all of the one legged women work????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I-HOP

 

Once, it so happened in a flight that James bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy from India. Both were traveling to US.

Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"

James Bond: "I am Bond...James Bond…... James Bond 007"

James Bond: "And you?"

Telugu Guy: "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai ... Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Bulusupalli Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai..."

Bond faints!!!!

Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond".

 

3 monkeys escaped from the zoo....
One was caught watching TV....
Another playing football...
and the third one........
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No, its not you...
Why do you always think you are a monkey??
The third one is still missing... ​

 

This old lady is walking down the street holding two garbage bags. A cop pulls over and tells her that there is a hole in one of her bags and abunch of twenty dollar bills are falling out of it. Thank you thank you! She tells the cop and she goes and gets the bills and makes sure they dont fall out again. The cop asks her why she has a bag full of twenty dollar bills and she tells him that she lives by the footbal stadium and during the game kids always come over and pee in her bushes and she goes out with a garden scissors and tells them to give her twenty dollars or shes gonna snip it off. He says thats a really good idea! But whats in the other bag? he asks her. She tells him: “Well Some of them didnt have twenty dollars!”

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A traveling salesman is going door to door trying to sell vacuum cleaners. He gets to a ladies house and after she opens the door he throws a pile of manuer on her new carpet. Outraged by this she tell him to leave immediately but he interupts saying This vacuum cleaner is so good I gaurantee it will pick up every spot of manuer on your carpet or I will eat the rest my self!
Suddenly she starts chuckling and says: “I hope you brought an appetite, Because they turned the electricity off yesterday!”

 

The PSP The Kid And the Teacher - By Alex Stenerson for 8th Grade English

Once there was a kid named Michael. It was almost Michael's Birthday so his parents asked him what he wanted for his birthday, and he knew right away that he wanted a Sony PSP but he didnt want to tell them right away or they might get mad because its two hundred and fifty dollars, so he told them he didnt know yet what he wanted.

But whenever Michael and his parents went to the store his parents always saw him looking at the PSP there so they knew he really wanted one, so they knew they should buy him one for his birthday so they did. Then acouple days later they ask him again what he wants and still he knows he wants a PSP so badly but he thinks that they would never buy him one because it is so expensive so he just tells them that he wants some new clothes. Then the next day was his birthday so he got up went to school as always and was so eager through school watching everyone else play there PSP's and he started to feel very mad at himself that he didn't just ask his parents for one.

Then the final bell went off so he got out of school and ran home as quick as he could and when he got there all his family was inside the house waiting for him and when he finally got to open up his presents he got all the way threw them and then he got to his parents present. He opened it up and it was new clothes just like he had hoped for.

Then the next morning he got up for school as usual got on his new clothes got his backpack and went to school, when he was on the bus he was watching everyone else play there PSP's and he started to really want one, but he knew the only way to get one was to earn money for one which was ok because his parents told him if he got good grades they would give him money, so he took off his backpack on the bus so he could start working on his homework and then when he pulled out his folder he was the most amazed he had ever been in his entire life!! There it was! A brand new PSP laying there under his folder!! At first he thought he must obviously be dreaming about this! Then he grabbed for it to make sure its real and he picked it up and turned it on and when it turned on it was the happiest he had ever been! He started showing it to everyone and told them what had happened but obviously no one believed him about what happened.

So he just played it all the way to school and when he got there though everyone else turned there's off and put it in there backpack but he wanted to try and play it during class so he just put it in his pocket, everyone warned him he would just get it taken away but he didn't listen! He got inside school and went to first hour, math. He finished his work real quick and then started to think about his new PSP. Then the hour was over and next hour was english and he knew he better not take it out during english though because the english teacher was the meanest teacher he had ever known! So he got into english and sat down and was telling everyone around him about what happened and someone asked him if they could see it so without thinking he pulled it out and handed it to them when all of a sudden the english teacher came running over and snatched the PSP from his hand!! "AHA What is this?!?" Asked the teacher, and Michael said"NO!! Please don't take it away!! I just got it today for my birthday! I will never bring it to school again I promise!" And then the teacher just started walking away and told Michael "I know you will never bring it to school again! Because you will never have it again!" Then the teacher brought it to the principals office. The rest of the day Michael felt the saddest he had ever felt before and couldn't even believe what happened!

Then when Michael went home his parents asked him if he found out anything knew today and Michael said:"Yeah I found out that my english teacher likes to take away my PSP!" And his parents immediately called the school and started telling them that they must give the PSP back because it is illegal even for a school to take it away from him forever and if they didn't they could take action since Michael's dad is a lawyer, and the school said they would give it back the next day. The next day arrived and Michael went to school and was very excited about getting his PSP back then he got to school and went to the office and asked for his PSP back so the principal gave it back and told him not to play it in school again so he said he wouldn't.

He brought the PSP straight to his backpack and put it in it right away. He went through the whole school day very anxiously wanting to play his PSP after school. Then finally school got out so he got to his locker as quick as he could and went into his backpack to get the PSP but...IT WAS GONE!! He started looking around anxiously but didn't see any PSP's around anywhere so he started running around the school looking for someone that had a PSP , but he only found a few and they proved it was not his.

He was getting very mad so he finally went into the office to report it gone and when he went in he saw his teacher walking out to his car and in his pocket he could see that the teacher had his PSP in his pocket!! So he ran outside and got into the back of the teacher's car when he wasn't looking and then the teacher started driving and it started to be along time, after driving for two hours the car finally stopped and they were at the teacher's house.

When the teacher got out of the car so did Michael and Michael followed the teacher into the teachers house but when he got inside the teacher noticed him and went over to him and asked him why he was there, "I see that you have my PSP in your pocket!!" Michael said. Then the teacher took the PSP out of his pocket and said "Is this the PSP your talking about?" and Michael said "YES! That is my PSP! Give it back right now!" , Then the teacher asked "You have any last words for your PSP?" and then the teacher hit a button on his arm and his arm came off then a big gun came into its place like some kind of robot so Michael then ran at the teacher and grabbed at his face and the skin on half the side of the teachers face came off and there were a bunch of wires and chips all over that he could see.

"So someone has finally revealed my secret!" The Teacher yelled. Then Michael asked:"What your a robot?" And the teacher agreed and said "hang on" then he hit a button on his shirt and they were inside some weird all white place. "Where are we?" Michael asked. "We are inside of your mind!" the teacher said. "Inside of my mind?" Michael asked, "Yes! You see you aren't real. You were artificially made by a robot to try and stop the evil Sony PSP from destroying the whole universe!" The teacher said. "But all plans went wrong and all of a sudden instead of hating the PSP...You started to like it. That's when they sent me from the year 5665 to destroy the PSP that was gonna destroy the earth." Said the teacher. "Wait a Minute! How do I know this is real! How do I know you aren't just a fragment of my imagination?!?" Michael asked. Then the teacher said:"There is still alot for you to learn! But for right now I need to destroy the evil PSP!" Michael asked:"What is the evil PSP??" , "Your PSP is the evil PSP! And it must be destroyed or otherwise all of mankind will be destroyed in the year 2046!" The teacher said. "I DO NOT BEILEVE YOU!! I THINK YOU JUST WANT TO WRECK MY PSP!" Yelled Michael.

Then the teacher took off his arm again and made the gun come out of it. "NO DO NOT WRECK MY PSP!" Yelled Michael! Then the teacher said "I must. I must do it for the good of mankind!" Then he pulled the trigger and the PSP was in hundreds of thousands of little pieces and Michael started to yell and cry.

Then Michael heard his parents yelling "WAKE UP MICHAEL WAKE UP!!" and he woke up and his parents said "Stop having nightmares its your birthday today!" And Michael was very glad that the whole thing was over and when his parents left he said"WHOOF! I'm glad that was just a dream!" Then his teacher ran up to Michael's window and yelled: "Or was it?!?"

THE END!

 

Coolalex! That last post wasn't cool at all!!!

 

I disagree lol. everyone ive showed it to before liked it.

Guess its just your sence of humor doesnt like it.

 

I dunno...It was soo long and I was expecting smth. really funny/unusual at the end. Anyways..thanks for submitting.

-Bender-

 

BTW what do you think about my post. is it cool

 

No it wasn't. I hated it!

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You heard me

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Just kidding... It's was ok. ​

 

when will this be over?

and i know mine wasnt the funniest one but i wanted to keep one of my entries unique where everyone elses ive seen before many times.

 

Until there is enough quality stuff to chose from

 

A variation on the old light bulb jokes

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A CATHOLIC CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, so you move the bull to another parish.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NORFOLK CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
... but the other one is your sister.



How dya like that then!

 

Some George Bush images.
Pretty funny

 

And some Bush movie spoofs

 

Hilarious post DodgyAnt!

 

Giving this a 'shot'.

Doctor asks patient, what is four plus four?

'Tuesday!' says patient.

Interesting.

Next patient, 'What is four plus four?'

'3072!'

Interesting.

Last patient, 'What is four plus four?'

'8!'

That's right, and how did you know that?

'Easy, 3072 divided by tuesday!'

 

I thought I'd enter another one

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

Any update on this Bender?