The Déjà vu Girl

I can’t remember what time it was but it was raining hard and was quite dark. I wasn’t able to see past a few yards. The only illumination that came was from headlamps of cars and bikes that zoomed past me once in a while.

I was holding few meds and an injection for my 8 year old son, which I just bought from a nearby medical store. I can’t believe how difficult it becomes to get something when you really need them. I was a few miles away from the hospital where my son was admitted due to head injury. He was bleeding profusely and I had to leave him because the doctor needed an injection that was out of stock at the hospital. I tried everywhere and kept moving ahead after hearing a no. And here I was 7 miles from the hospital while my son was bleeding to death.

The meds and injection were all in my hand but just didn't have any means to get back, and get back soon. It was late night, may be even close to midnight and I really needed to get back. I kept waving to every car, every bike, every truck that passed by but none stopped. It felt as if the whole world had conspired to bring me away from my son, so that I couldn’t be with him, may be in his last moments.

I was dropped near the last medical store where I got the meds by a god sent stranger and he had already left. I couldn’t ask for more as he had already done much by suggesting the store and even dropping me by there.

With each passing moment it was getting more and more difficult for me. I said to myself, if I were not to make it, I would rather not. I waited. As I saw the next pair of headlights flickering on the far end of the road, I summed up all my courage and stood right in the middle of the road.

The headlamps started to get bigger and bigger and I thought, I would either get to my son in time or die trying. The light from the vehicle was getting brighter, so much that I had to raise my arm to cover my eyes. The same arm which held the meds too. In a flash, I heard a loud screeching sound and the car stopped, barely missing me.

Even as I tried to lower my arms and see around for the car, I heard the car door open and someone getting down, hurling choicest of his abuses at me.

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This is my first attempt to writing a short story..... Please let me have your feedback so that I can make necessary amends to it. Thanks

This is chapter one, and first draft. but half incomplete.

 

Hopefully for us it's your last attempt.
"I was holding few meds". What kind of English is this? English is not my first language, but even I do not talk like this.

 

Then get him to edit the above while your at it. By the way, last time I checked "God" was spelled with a capital G.

 

Thanks. I know it is not as good as the books on amazon but it is just the first draft. When you start writing you just "bleed on paper". Even I made a few edits here and there, after I posted this thread.

This is a draft, which means dough, to be made into well rounded, full of nice toppings PIZZA. lol

Just wait for it. And thanks again for your positive criticism.

I don't think I can answer you, you are very demanding , but I have someone who can. Here it is:

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous. – Robert Benchley

 

Using a word twice in a row in a sentence. How long have you been writing? You would not be working for me for very long.
DP has in my opinion three rankings of writers:
A-Talented and inspired wordsmiths.
B-Ordinary run of the mill, we can use them if their rates are low enough.
C-Talentless mental pygmies who somehow learnt how to use a keyboard.
(I'll give you a B)

 

Lol, I am not going to marry you, stop bashing me.... GOD....

 

On a serious note, I am sorry if I offended you. You gave me a B but I could even accept a C, cuz that is how I see all my writings. Whenever I finish something, I am not happy, I always feel, it could be better, but submit the work due to deadline issues.

Yes my writing has issues, but I think it is better than what it was 25 years ago, when I used to go to school in a relatively small town and my English tuition teacher couldn't give me the word for "fart". (Yes I was super naughty even then). He only said, "May be, passing gas". LOL

I used to read "walk" as "wal k" that is "wall+k", kind of wallek but "e" silent. I guess and hope that you get the phonetics. So bash me as much as you want, but please don't be harsh.

No one will like if I get serious. Also, that these days almost everyone is on the edge, ready to flip on slightest of pun. I'd rather take it with a pinch of salt and move on.