Sick jokes thread(18+ only)

lol .. some HILARIOUS stuff in here

 

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I ca n't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."


A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $2.50; chicken sandwich, $4.00; handjob, $10."
He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She said, "Yeah."
He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."


One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

 

Some sick ones yes but some good ones too thanks for the laughs.

 

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Guy walks into a bar and sits down for a drink and sees Hitler sitting at a table in the corner.
So the guy asks the bartender if thats Hitler and the bartender says yep he'll tell you anything you want if you buy him a drink.
So the guy gets another drink and sits down with Hitler and hands him the drink.
The guy: "So exactly how many people did you kill?"
Hitler: "About 6,000,000 jews and 7 circus clowns"
The guy, suprised replied "7 circus clowns!?"
Hitler: "See! Nobody cares about the jews!"

 

Nice jokes...
thanks for sharing

 

r u nuts?!!

its the best ending.. made me too laugh

 

Man I cannot read any further, My stomach ache afetr so much laughter

 

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see
her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

 

haha.. some good ones here!

 

thanks 4 sharing such jokes,
haha.............

 

Lol nice, gotta love these jokes

 

I'm glad you like them and, most of all, get them. Even though you are 14...

 

Lol, yeh i get them....

 

Nice, Share some more.

 

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He spits on your back!

After a long love making session, a guy and a girl are laying together.
The girl is playing with the guy's penis for a long time. He asks if she wants more sex.
She says that she is admiring his penis. He asks,"Do you like it?"
She says, "No...I just miss mine....."

 

ROFL at the last one

 

Not sure if its funny but:
Mcdonalds came out with a new sandwich. It's call the McJackson. Its a 45 year old piece of meat between two twelve year old buns. Just thought I would throw that out there.

 

Ah Man! These jokes are crazy hilarious. Some are just plain sick but funny at the same time. Just crazy funny, oh my God!