Sick jokes thread(18+ only)

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."



One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."




It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

Lol Fantastic, keep em coming!! I Will try to contribute some more soon

 

ohhhh lolzzzzzzzz thats really the sick jokes.i will try some other jokes for write here.

 

Just don't get in my way!

 

Wow these jokes make me queasy!

 

A man is walking through the woods with a 12 yr old at night,
The 12 year old says "it's really scary here"
The man says "you're scared imagine how I feel, I'm walking back alone!"

 

One morning, while she was making their breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her butt and said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.”
Although she thought this was a terrible thing to say, she refrained from responding.
Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing her breast. He said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”
Hette thought this was unacceptable and had to respond this time. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a strong grip, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother”



This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."



Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

 

Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"

 

I've heard that last one before and it still sickens me to this day!

 

That's funny.....

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"



Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. How come Mike Tyson’s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.



A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."


Not too sick today...


edit:
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

 

That one was great!

 

Ok,some sick jokes now:

Two paedophiles watching the kids come out of primary school at 3.30pm.
A 10-year-old girl walks past.
One says to the other: "Wow I bet she was a real stunner in her day!"



Father Flannagen is helping out at a church while the regular pastor is away on vacation. Before leaving the pastor left Father Flannagen a book of what to give out as punishment during confessions. One day, during confession a woman enters the booth and confesses that she gave a man a blowjob. After flipping through the book Father Flannagen couldn't find a listing for blowjob. Sticking his head out the door he asks an alter boy walking by, "What does the pastor give for a blowjob?" The boy replies "Usually A bag of chips, a coke and a candy bar"



Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

 

The last one is sick... simply sick... but I like it.

 

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

 

You should browse more through this thread

 

Whats the difference between 100 dead babies and a ferrari? I dont have a ferrari in my garage.


Sry, a sick friend told me that one.

 

Three old mates Tom, Billy and Paddy are working on a construction site. Lunch time comes around and they're sitting on the edge of a girder 30 floors up.
Tom opens up his lunch box "Shit ham salad again. I swear if I get ham salad one more time I'm going to jump off this girder."
Billy opens up his lunch box "Shit tuna and mayonnaise again. I swear if I get tuna and mayonnaise one more time I'm going to jump off this girder."
Paddy opens up his lunch box "Feck peanut butter and jelly again. I swear if I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to jump off this girder."
The next day at lunch time Tom, Billy and Paddy are sitting on the edge of the girder 30 floors up.
Tom opens up his lunch box "Shit ham salad again" and he jumps to his death."
Billy opens up his lunch box "Shit tuna and mayonnaise again" and he jumps to his death."
Paddy opens up his lunch box "Feck peanut butter and jelly again" and he jumps to his death."
A few days later at the funeral the three wives are chatting.
Tom's wife says "Why didn't he tell me if I'd known he was bored with ham salad I would have made him something else. I thought it was his favourite."
Billy's wife says "Why didn't he tell me if I'd known he was bored with tuna and mayonnaise I would have made him something else. I thought it was his favourite."
Paddy's wife says "Stupid feckin git. Paddy made his own sandwiches."



A baby seal walks into a club...



There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

 

Not very dirty... but funny...


Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

 

Lol, I just read this, posted by me, and didn't get it the first time...
I'll post more later if people still like them. I know I gave this thread 1 star, but others have too...