Sick jokes thread(18+ only)

The title says it all. Mods, please stop me if this is not right


Guy - Hi Boss, I can't come in to work today; I'm sick
Boss - How sick are you?
Guy - Well, I'm in bed with my twelve year old son



Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.
Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."



Whats the main cause of paedophilia?

Sexy children.




After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.
He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.
He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.
Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"

 

LOL The Last one is sick!!! and funny lol

 

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."



Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."


What did one paedophile say to another?
I'll swap you two fives for a ten.

 

LOL HAHA The Michael jackson one is great.

heres 1

What Does Michael Jackson and Santa Have In Common?


They Both Leave Kids Houses With An Empty Sack.

 

Im slow, what does jackson leave with an empty sack?

 

Along time ago in a far away place their was a little indian boy. One day the little boy wondered who named all the children in the tribe. So he went to his mother and asked, "Mother, who names all the people in the tribe?” And the mother replied, “the Great Chief of our tribe names everyone in our clan".

"So the boy went to the Great Chief and asked, Oh Great Chief, how do you name everyone in our tribe?". The Great Chief looked at the small boy and said in a very wise and mature voice, "My little warrior you ask a good question and I shall answer it."

"You see, when our tribe is blessed with a new baby I walk outside of my teepee and the first thing I see is what I name the new child." "If I see snow gently falling I say, your name will be snow gently falling. If I see an eagle in the sky I say, your name will be eagle in the sky. But tell me two dogs f*cking why are you so curious?"

 

I had to re-read the last line twice to get it ROFL
The ending could be better

 

Shazz, whats another term for a sack..

 

LOL...
these are sick jokes!!!

 

This one is really messed up:

How do you know when your kid sister started her period?
Your Dad's penis tastes different.



A man is driving out in the middle of the woods during a rainstorm. His car breaks down, and the inly house around is a giant mansion on top of a hill, so he goes up and knocks on the door. A little chinese man answers the door,and asks if everything is ok. The man describes his problem, but the chineseman says the phone lines are down, but he is welcome to stay until morning, but only under 1 condition, he can't sleep with the chinese man's daughter.
The guy thinks, no problem, how hard could it be? He walks in, and immediately, all he can think about is sex, because this girl is so beautiful. She def likes him and starts flirting right away. That night the chinese man walks him to his room, just accross the hall from his daughter's room. He reminds him again to stay away from his daughter, or he will inflict the 3 ancient chinese tortures on him.
Of course, the man thinks nothing of these "tortures" and goes into the daughter's bedroom to find her naked, waiting for him. It is the greatest day of his life! So, afte they are done, he sneeks back in to his room and goes to sleep.
He wakes up the next morning, and there is a 100 lbs boulder on his chest with a sticky note attached to it. The sticky note reads, "ancient chinese torture #1 - Boulder on chest"
He laughs at how dumb this chinese thing was, so he carries the boulder over to the window, and throws it out, off of the third floor. While the boulder is falling, he looks to his left, and on the window sill is another sticky note. This one reads, "Ancient Chinese Torture #2 - Left testicle tied to boulder"
He freaks out, and immediately jumps out the window, happier to break his legs than lose a nut. While he is falling, he finds another sticky note floating down next to him on the string from the boulder to his nut. This one reads,
"Ancient Chinese Torture #3 - Right testicle tied to bed post"




A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

 

thanks dear... interesting jokess

 

peter was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one
leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second
leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and
did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly peter said loudly, "I found it.
If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

 

That's just cruel. Are you Peter?

 

The little daughter is bathing with her mother when she suddenly points at her breasts and says:
- When do I get those, mom?
- You'll get them when you grow older.
A few days later the daughter is showering with her father, and after a while she points at his penis and says:
- When do I get that, dad?
- You'll get it on saturday when mom is away.

 

Somebody rated this thread with 1 star. So did I. It's like having a star on the "Walk of fame".

Did I make some bad childhood memories come back for somebody??

 

That last thread in the first post is sick yet so funny

 

lmao that is hilarious, keep this thread going its awesome


There was a guy and girlfriend, they were having sex.

they guy says "gee, this is dry sex" "can u liven it up a bit"

The girl goes into the bathroom, comes back, and they have sex again

"Gee" he says"this is much better, what did u do?"

She replies " I Picked the Scabs"

 

What are 'scabs'? On second thought, I would rather not know.

It's Bill the postman's last day on the job after 40 years. As he goes along his route, several families present him with gifts. He gets a bottle of scotch from one, a box of cigars for another, and so on.

He comes to the last house, and is greeted by a woman wearing a very slinky nightgown. She takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs to the bedroom, and proceeds to rock his world with the most mind-blowing sex he's ever had. This goes on for two hours, until he's completely spent.

Then she takes him downstairs, and serves him a fabulous breakfast: waffles, sausage, bacon, eggs, fruit, etc. As she is refilling his coffee cup for the third time, he notices a dollar under the saucer.

"This has all been great, " the postman says, "but I've got to ask, what's the dollar for?"

The woman smiles, and replies, "Well, I told my husband it was your last day, and asked what we should do for you. 'Screw him! Give him a dollar.' was my husband's answer. This swell breakfast was my idea."

 

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass,feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."



A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has asian eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...
"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

 

Many I laughed so hard at this one. Theses are all great.