First of all, thanks for taking the time to take a look at this. To be honest, I didn't write it. I've actually only edited very minor elements so far. I bought this sales page about a month ago and have noticed after testing it, my conversion rate for the sales page is lower than I'd like to see using PPC. Some things I've been concerned with are the font, paragraph spacing and the bullet types. I have no experience copywriting though so I don't even know if I'm concerned about the right elements. Anyways, I realize I need to add testimonies. I'm working on that, but other than that all critiques are welcomed and encouraged. I'll only learn from what's brought up in this thread. Here's the link: www[dot]mafiawarskingpin[dot]com. The page does convert, just not to the level I'd like to see. Thanks!
There are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors that reduce credibility. For example, lets look at the first sentence: "If you ready to unleash "Don Corleon" like power and growing your virtual crime organization faster than you ever thought possible in this game, then this will be one of the most important things you read today." - "you" should be "you're" - "Don Corleone" is misspelled. - It should be "Don Corleone"-like power, not "like power". Actually, I'd lose that outright, it sounds a little strange. - "growing" should be "grow" - "in this game" can be removed - The most important thing I read today? That's not a particularly exciting or impressive statement. Change it to "all week" or "all month." These kind of basic errors are repeated throughout the whole page. They're not particularly complex errors either, just very basic things that any native English speaker should have no trouble with. Stuff like "its" vs. "it's", "there" vs "they're" and so on. Would I be right in guessing that it was written by a non-native English speaker? If I were you, I'd focus on getting the writing right first, then doing the testimonials and screenshots. Those elements don't mean much when your sales copy is completely undermining your product and turning people away.
I totally agree with the above I can tell you know your stuff Torgo and respect your opinion. Do you mind looking over mine if you have a chance? http://makingmoneyeasy-ac.com/?page_id=125 It's more of a pre-sales page that then links to the main page. Thanks, I'd appreciate it