Press release feedback please

Hi

I posted this a longer time ago but I have now redone our pressrelease for the launch of the new version of my hiphop project.

I need some honest feedback about my pressrelease.

What I would like to know is:

a) If you read the headline, would you be interested in reading more?
b) If you read the summary, would you click on the pressrelease to read the full version?
c) If you read the full version, is it 1) interesting? 2) fiting the headline? 3) fiting the summary?
d) How do you like the pressrelease I made in total?


Feedback is realy appreciated.


Are online competitions the next step in the evolution of Hip Hop?

Hip Hop was, is and always will be about competition or so called “battles”. From the beginning artists strived to be the best in what they did. Constant competition is one major reason for the evolving of Hip Hop as an art form and lifestyle. The first battles were held on the streets, later they were taken to the clubs as the audience interest got bigger and now it reached the internet where there really are no boundaries anymore.

Frankfurt am Main, Germany (PRWEB) May 1, 2006 – The international Hip Hop competition platform HipHop-Battles.com goes live with its new improved second version two years after its first launch. Besides a complete makeover a third competition area for graffiti artists is introduced next to the older beatbox and rap audio competition platform. “Our goal is”, said project founder Michael Scheel,”to provide a free platform for international Hip Hop artists to compete their beatbox, rap and now graffiti skills as well with other artists from around the globe”.

Two and a half years ago when beatbox, the art of vocal percussion and the so called 5th element of Hip Hop, became more and more popular, the idea for an interactive competition platform called HipHop-Battles.com was born. Soon after its launch it became a success and was used by thousands of beatbox artists worldwide. The rap competition platform that followed a year later introduced a second element of Hip Hop to the project. With this relaunch HipHop-Battles.com now adds to this success by launching its third competition platform for graffiti, the oldest element of Hip Hop.

“The new graffiti competition platform gives graffiti artists a new way of legal exposure to their art form”, said Eike Reifhardt, Designer of HipHop-Battles.com and dedicated graffiti artist himself. “I’d call it the next level of graffiti, because its only limit is your creativity. It is your global ‘sketch book’ that you show to the world”, he said.

But HipHop-Battles.com is not only an interesting place for Hip Hop artists alone. It provides Hip Hop fans with access to over 12,000 free and legal Hip Hop mp3s and a way to vote on ongoing battles in a democratic voting system. The ranking system tells the visitor about “who is hot and who is not” and gives orientation to new users to find interesting battles to listen to.

“It took us a long time”, said Marcel Oelke, programmer of HipHop-Battles.com,”to develop the professional battle system that we launched today. We created a system that makes it possible for everyone to compete with artists you would otherwise have never met. It does not matter if you are a professional artist or just starting, HipHop-Battles.com is where you need to be.”

HipHop-Battles.com ©2006 is part of the MadeByPeople.com Network ©2006

For additional information contact Michael Scheel or visit www.HipHop-Battles.com

Contact:[....]

 

1. No. A headline should never ask a question. It should say exactly what your news actually is.

2. Again, no. Even in your summary, I have no idea what your news is. If you got the media to read past your headline, you'd never get them to read past the summary. Also, always try to include a url to your site in the summary if you're concerned about backlinks. That certainly should never be your main focus, but if you're using a wire that allows live links in them, it's possible people will click over before reading the full release just when they see the summary listing. Do whatever you can to make life easy on the media. That means letting them get to your site w/o digging for a url.

3. The grammar isn't great. You've got a list, for example, in the first paragraph w/o commas. You'll annoy journalists pretty quickly doing things like that. It makes it more difficult to read. Also, your first paragraph doesn't list the specific launch date. Why not? The first paragraph should always answer WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE and WHY. I stopped reading at that point and only scanned the paragraph for a date. The media won't even look that far.

4. Well, I didn't read it in total, because it failed to do its job and grab my attention from the start. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm trying to teach you, so you can improve it before sending it out. But here are a few general comments:

First of all, remove the copyright info. There's absolutely no reason to ever have copyright info in a press release, and it just makes it look like you don't know what you're doing. It can also be considered insulting, like you're assuming someone in the media is going to steal your work (when in all honesty they really don't care that much ... they just want a story).

It looks a bit long at first glance. I hate it when people try to use PRweb's templates, because they're really not industry-standard. Always write a release the way it should appear if you sent out a print version manually to the media (whether you intend to or not - simply because some media outlets prefer offline releases still and you can get requests). That means, even with contact info and boilerplate, your release should never go longer than one page, unless you're attaching addenda, like photos for example. A press release is not intended to be a full story. It's purpose is to serve almost as a teaser. No PR professional (at least no good ones) have a goal of having a release printed / posted as-is. You're supposed to whet the appetite of the media professionals, and get them to contact you for more information on a custom story or interview. It's not easy to do, and as-is posting is a back-up, so you should still cover the news well enough. But if that's your full intent, you should stop writing press releases and move to something more substance-rich like op-eds or even pitch letters, where you can push your site / products / services.

Where's your boilerplate? I don't see one. You need a one paragraph "About Your Site" bit to close things off before the final contact info. It should remain the same on every single release you ever send out (being updated when changes occur to the site / company).

Hope that gets you started on the right track.

Jenn

 

Thank you very much for your detailed feedback.
I think it will help me to improve the pr.

I am german and english is not my native tongue but I will get someone to check it for spelling errors and grammar.
There is no date because I wanted to release the press release on the day we make relaunch but I will fix that including the headline and summary.
At first I had the headline "Hip Hop competition platform does major relaunch" but for me it was not catchy enough.
I will re think the approach again and come up with a new angle hopefully.

Thank you again for this helpfull feedback

StarBuG

 

Ok I tried a new approach angle trying to factor in your feedback.

It was not proofread yet and most likely won’t be the ultimate final version so if there are grammar errors please excuse them
The date I mentioned is fictive because we don't have a set launch date yet.




The next step in the evolution of
online hip hop competitions


http://www.HipHop-Battles.com, as one of the leading hip hop competition
websites, went live June 21, 2006 with its new improved second version,
entering the Web 2.0 era and taking online battles onto the next level.

Frankfurt am Main, Germany (PRWEB) June 21, 2006 - With the launch of the second
version of http://www.HipHop-Battles.com, one of the leading international hip hop
battle websites, on June 21, 2006, online battles where taken into the Web 2.0 era.
After its first launch two and a half years ago, HipHop-Battles.com again sets new
standards for online hip hop competitions by introducing new technologies such as AJAX
(Asynchronous JavaScript and XML), to enhance usability and the battle experience for
hip hop artists’ world wide without compromising the compatibility or performance.

AJAX, which enables a speedier, more responsive website by executing requests
client-side as opposed to server-side, is one of the technologies driving the evolution of
a second generation of web services and applications that deliver a richer, more
collaborative user experience. “It took us a long time”, said Marcel Oelke, programmer
of HipHop-Battles.com,” to develop the professional battle system that we launched today.
We created a system, which makes it possible for everyone to compete with artists you
would otherwise have never met.”

Besides the new technologies that were introduced, HipHop-Battles.com adds to his
success by launching its third competition area for graffiti artists, next to the older rap
and beatbox competition areas, to combine important elements of hip hop under one roof.
“The new graffiti competition platform gives graffiti artists a new way of legal exposure
to their art form”, said Eike Reifhardt, Designer of HipHop-Battles.com and dedicated graffiti
artist himself. “I’d call it the next level of graffiti, because its only limit is your creativity.
It is your global ‘sketch book’ that you show to the world”, he said.

But HipHop-Battles.com is not only an interesting place for Hip Hop artists alone. It provides
hip hop fans with access to over 12,000 free and legal hip hop mp3s and a way to vote on ongoing
battles in a democratic voting system. The ranking system tells the visitor about “who is hot
and who is not” and gives orientation to new users to find interesting battles to listen to.

“This relaunch is just one small, but important step for us into the future of online battling.”
said project founder Michael Scheel, “We have much more planed for the future to improve the online
development of this culture and give artists a new way of global presence in their art form.
There is a lot more to come…”


About HipHop-Battles.com

HipHop-Battles.com is a unique online competition platform for international hip hop artists focusing on audio and graphic battles. With over 10,000 members and more then 8000 battles we have become one of the leading hip hop competition websites. HipHop-Battles.com enables artists to compete their rap, beatbox and graffiti skills with other artists from around the globe. Hip hop fans get free access to over 14,000 legal mp3s and the constantly growing community is producing new content on a daily basis.

For additional information contact Michael Scheel or visit http://www.HipHop-Battles.com/press/

Contact:
My contact details
Web site: http://www.hiphop-battles.com/


###



Feedback is welcome, especialy compared to the first version

Thanks in advance

StarBuG

 

Your heading is a tagline, not a press release heading. Stop trying to be "catchy" and just spit out what your news is in a few words. Otherwise, no one's going to read further than that.

It's also still on the long side. Should be no more than 1 page in a word processor (think standard Times New Roman 12pt font), including the contact "box" and heading / subheading, and boilerplate.

The boilerplate ("about" section) is fantastic.

First paragraph: Change "where" to "were". Change "artists'" to "artists". The very last line is a little long, and you'll lose the reader. If I had to read it twice already having an idea of what the release was about, members of the media not familiar with the topic area likely won't. Try to clean up the very end of it if possible. Otherwise, much better intro.

In general: Take out the http:// in every occurance. PRs are not to be written as a Web tool. They're a print tool that you happen to be able to cut and paste into the Web. If you can't send it as-is manually via fax, you shouldn't send it like that on the Web. It looks sloppy. Make sure you get live links when you post, and you don't need it anyway. Also, don't start the summary with a URL. It should be worked into the sentences naturally.

Too many quotes and really no need for them at all. Just spit out the news again. No one cares who said it. There's nothing being said that absolutely had to come from any particular person, and don't ever use a press release just to try to toss your name into it ... unless the release is specifically about you.

You're trying to use too many "big words". You'll lose them again. When you're talking about AJAX, you need to tone it down. Assume the media has no idea what you're talking about, such as what client-side or server-side is. They're not webmasters, they're journalists. They don't likely know what you mean, and they care even less. If you can't make them understand you completely on the first go-around, you won't get a story.

Third Paragraph: You site isn't a "he". Change it early on to "its success", not "his success". The first sentence here is a major run-on. Break it up.

Fourth Paragraph: Don't use "only" and "alone" in the same sentence. It's redundant.

Get rid of the entire fifth paragraph / quote. It's useless in a PR. It doesn't do anything but make an open-ended promise, and the media doesn't care. Tell them about it when you actually have specific news to tell.

Your contact info should be at the top, not the bottom. It only goes on the bottom when some of the stupid distribution sites say it should. Always write them correctly as if you could manually print it and hand it to a reporter. Contact info at the top, and repeat the name, email address and phone number in the very last "For more information, please contact...." line.

It still needs some purging and cleaning up, but it's certainly much better than the first one ... at least it got me to read it this time w/o having to throw a tantrum.

Just to make it clear again, I run a PR firm, I've worked in the media and still do in online outlets, and I'm also an Editor managing quite a few freelance writers in various capacities. So I'm picky. It's not to talk down on you or your release. I'm just trying to teach you how to think and approach things from all perspectives. Best of luck with it.

Jenn

 

Thank you so much again Jenn.

I realy like your feedback, actualy I never got such detailed feedback before on nealy anything.
Your feedback depth clearly shows that you are a professional.

I got some feedback from my programmer too and he was a little picky about the web 2 part, because the new website from us (which is what this pr is all about) is not web 2 in his oppinion.
This means I most likely will have to take a third approach on this.
I hope the next will be near perfect with all the advice you gave.

Thank you again for your advice

Best regards

StarBuG

 

Well it's not like using AJAX is huge news, so to appease your programmer, just remove that whole part. It would also help with your length issue and the wordiness in trying to talk about it now. Maybe turn the focus more onto the launch of the 3rd competition area, instead of burying that as an afterthought in the 3rd paragraph or so. It might be a good angle change.

Jenn

 

Ok next try. I hope you can stick with me Jenn, your feedback is realy helpfull.

The next step in the evolution of online hip hop competitions

One of the leading hip hop competition websites, www.HipHop-Battles.com, went live June 21, 2006 with its new improved second version and taking online battles onto the next level.


Frankfurt am Main, Germany (PRWEB) June 21, 2006 - With the launch of the second version of www.HipHop-Battles.com on June 21, 2006, one of the leading international hip hop battle websites has taken online battles to the next level. After its first launch two and a half years ago, HipHop-Battles.com again sets new standards for online hip hop competitions by introducing a third battle platform for graffiti writers to the site.

The new graffiti competition platform gives graffiti artists a new way of legal exposure to their art form. It is the next level of graffiti, because its only limit is your creativity. Next to the new graffiti arena www.HipHop-Battles.com also got a total makeover and shines with a brand new design. Switching to another language or to another arena got much easier and can now be controlled from everywhere on the website.

But HipHop-Battles.com is not only an interesting place for Hip Hop artists. It provides hip hop fans with access to over 12,000 free and legal hip hop mp3s and a way to vote on ongoing battles in a democratic voting system. The ranking system tells the visitor about “who is hot and who is not” and gives orientation to new users to find interesting battles to listen to.


For additional information contact Michael Scheel by phone phonenumber, via email: email or visit www.HipHop-Battles.com/press/


About HipHop-Battles.com

HipHop-Battles.com is a unique online competition platform for international hip hop artists focusing on audio and graphic battles. With over 10,000 members and more then 8000 battles we have become one of the leading hip hop competition websites. HipHop-Battles.com enables artists to compete their rap, beatbox and graffiti skills with other artists from around the globe. Hip hop fans get free access to over 14,000 legal mp3s and the constantly growing community is producing new content on a daily basis.

###


​

Like always, feedback is very welcome.

 

I like the article. It is well written. Good job.

 

1. The heading's still missing something. You're not saying who the news is about. Whether you use the company name or even just say "A new site" or something, it would be better. And don't make claims like your site's the "next step". That doesn't mean anything to media. So I'm going to say what I keep saying to you: JUST SPIT IT OUT!!!! The headline needs to instantly tell the journalist what the release is about. That doesn't even say if it's a website, service, artist, or general new technology. It's not going to help you.

2. The summary section says "taking online battles onto the next level." First of all, "onto" should just be "to". But that really doesn't say anything. You're still trying to use hype, and that's not going to help you with a PR. Forget making any promotional "claims". That's for advertising, not a release. You can also get refused for newswire submissions if the editor thinks you're sounding too much like an advertisement. Only give facts. A release is news, not promotion. Big difference between publicity (from a release or otherwise) and promotion.

3. Length is much much better.

4. In the first body paragraph, your news is the very last thing you say. Move it up. If the graffiti artist section is the news, say it right away. You should also make the "why" clearer. Why did you add this section? If there's a high demand say so, say what market it appeals to, etc. This paragraph needs to hit on who, what, when, where, and why. You're almost there.

5. Second paragraph... get rid of the word "your". Always avoid "I", "you" or any derivatives. It makes it come across like advertising. "you"/"your" implies you're talking to your audience for the site. You're not. You're talking to members of the media.

6. Same paragraph... get rid of the word "got". Use "received" or something else. "Got" just jumped out at me and took down the tone of what you're trying to say.

7. Third paragraph... don't start a paragraph (or any sentence for that matter) with the word "but".

8. It's great that you're linking to a press page / press room. But the link is dead. Make sure you don't send a release if you don't have the page up yet.

Sorry I didn't see your new draft posted until now. I didn't mean to wait so long to respond.

Jenn

 

Thank you again.

The link to the press page is not yet active because we did not do the relaunch yet. When the pr will be released the link will work and offer a description about the website, the people behind it, facts and numbers, high resolution screenshots, the logo in various forms to use for the press and contact infos for additional information.

With all your quality help I think I got it now
My 2 colleges said, this is the best pr from all I´ve done so far.

Ok one last time and hopefully you don´t get bored to death

A before I start I have a few questions:
- If I publish my pr on pages like PRWeb, should I post my contact infos inside the release or only use the forms provided?
- are links that start with www. be formated as clickable links in PRWeb (40$ contribution) or will only links be clickable that start with http:// ?
- How long does it take on PRWeb to get my pr published if I contribute 40$ ?

And now to the newest version of my PR:


Contact:
My contact infos

Leading international hip hop battle website does major relaunch

One of the leading international hip hop battle websites, www.hiphop-battles.com, went live on June 21, 2006 with its new improved second version, a brand new design and a third arena for graffiti battles.

Frankfurt am Main, Germany (PRWEB) June 21, 2006 – With the launch of the second version of www.hiphop-battles.com on June 21, 2006, a third battle arena for graffiti graphic battles was introduced to the website, next to the older arenas for rap- and beatbox audio battles. The graffiti arena was a response to the high demand in the hip hop and graffiti scene, which currently lacks legal ways for competing art skills with graffiti writers from all over the world.

HipHop-Battles.com provides hip hop fans and artists with free access to over 12,000 legal hip hop mp3s and a way to vote in ongoing battles in a democratic voting system. The ranking system tells the visitor about “who is hot and who is not” and gives orientation to new users, to find the most interesting battles. In its second version, www.hiphop-battles.com also received a total makeover and shines with a brand new design. Switching to another interface language or to another arena got much easier and can now be controlled from everywhere on the website.

With rap-, beatbox- and graffiti battles under one roof, www.hiphop-battles.com now combines three important elements of hip hop and strengthens its position as leading hip hop battle website.


For additional information contact ME by phone NUMBER, via email: EMAIL or visit www.hiphop-battles.com/press/


About HipHop-Battles.com

www.hiphop-battles.com is a unique online competition platform for international hip hop artists focusing on audio and graphic battles. With over 10,000 members and more then 8000 battles we have become one of the leading hip hop competition websites. HipHop-Battles.com enables artists to compete their rap, beatbox and graffiti skills with other artists from around the globe. Hip hop fans get free access to over 14,000 legal mp3s and the constantly growing community is producing new content on a daily basis.

###

As always: Feedback is much appreciated

StarBuG

 

As for your questions:

1. I always put contact info directly into the release as well, in a closer like "for more information contact so and so at their phone number or via email at their email address." Just leave the email address out on PRweb specifically, b/c of their "rules".

2. Don't ever include the http:// in a PR. It just looks unprofessional. Remember, a release should be adaptable to all media formats, not just online. www is enough for clickable links with the PRweb upgrades.

3. They don't guarantee a specific time frame. I've had it take a day or two after being published, and I've had some go through literally in minutes from being posted to being indexed in Google News.


Now for the release...

1. Title: Don't use "does". Stick to 'action verbs'. So something like just "relaunches" would be better. It would be even better yet if you mentioned the new feature. And try to keep the whole thing to around 80 characters. So what about something like: "Leading International Hip Hop Battle Site Relaunches With New Graffiti Battles" ?

2. Subheading - again, focus on verbs. What's happening? Your first is towards the end of the first summary line. And it's just "went". Actually, that's the only verb in the whole summary. Think ACTION... action, action, action!!! Drilled in yet?

3. First paragraph - you really don't need the - after "rap". You did finally get the who, what, when, where and why in there well now. Good job.

4. Second - change "gives orientation to" to just "orients" ... again, Orients is a better verb than gives. The emphasis on the free access to legal mp3s is a good newsworthy aspect, so it's great that you started it off with it. You need a comma after "makeover". Comma also after "easier" in the last sentence.

5. Third - Again, remove the -'s. Also, "under one roof" doesn't really apply online. Comma after "elements of hip hop".

6. Contacts - Remove the bold. Try adding a re-mention of the news .... "For more information about the relaunch of HipHop-Battles.com or the new online graffiti battle feature, please visit www.HipHop-Battles.com, or contact your name at your phone number or via email at your email address. (and again, remove the email address for PRweb)

Enormously better than the original. You're definitely learning as you work through it, and that's fantastic.

Jenn

 

Without your help this would not have been possible.
Thank you so much.

Other questions:
- Is capitalizing every first character of every word for a headline ok or just names and the first word in a sentence?
- If I put in my contact details and the pr should be spread over newswire to google or such, would my contact details be displayed to all readers as well or will they be removed?

The problem with my contact details, especialy my phone number is, that I don´t have a business which I can leave at 8pm, I have to use one of my private phone numbers. It has a custom ring tone and no one of my friends and contacts knows this number so it is either spam calls or the press contacts.
But still I feel somewhat uncomfortable with publicly providing my phone number. I don´t realy want to recieve calls in the middle of the night (germany) because in usa it is business hour.

Ok here is the new and I think now final version of my PR.

Leading International Hip Hop Battle Site Relaunches With New Graffiti Battle Arena

One of the leading international hip hop battle websites, www.hiphop-battles.com, relaunched on June 21, 2006 with its new improved second version, it introduced a brand new design an started a third arena for graffiti battles.

Frankfurt am Main, Germany (PRWEB) June 21, 2006 – With the launch of the second version of www.hiphop-battles.com on June 21, 2006, a third battle arena for graffiti graphic battles was introduced to the website, next to the older arenas for rap and beatbox audio battles. The graffiti arena was a response to the high demand in the hip hop and graffiti scene, which currently lacks legal ways for competing art skills with graffiti writers from all over the world.

HipHop-Battles.com provides hip hop fans and artists with free access to over 12,000 legal hip hop mp3s and a way to vote in ongoing battles in a democratic voting system. The ranking system tells the visitor about “who is hot and who is not” and orients new users, to find the most interesting battles. In its second version, www.hiphop-battles.com also received a total makeover, and shines with a brand new design. Switching to another interface language or to another arena got much easier, and can now be controlled from everywhere on the website.

With the rap, beatbox and graffiti battle arena, www.hiphop-battles.com now combines three important elements of hip hop, and strengthens its position as leading hip hop battle website.



For more information about the relaunch of HipHop-Battles.com or the new online graffiti battle feature, please visit www.HipHop-Battles.com/press/, or contact your name at your phone number or via email at your email address.


About HipHop-Battles.com

www.hiphop-battles.com is a unique online competition platform for international hip hop artists focusing on audio and graphic battles. With over 10,000 members and more then 8000 battles we have become one of the leading hip hop competition websites. HipHop-Battles.com enables artists to compete their rap, beatbox and graffiti skills with other artists from around the globe. Hip hop fans get free access to over 14,000 legal mp3s and the constantly growing community is producing new content on a daily basis.

###


Thank you again so much for your professional help.

I will defenetly post a link to my PR here and tell you the result.

Any feedback is still welcome

StarBuG

 

No problem. Glad to be able to help.

1. You should use title case capitalization for your headline. That means the first letter of most words will be capitalized (not words like 'and', 'but', 'it', etc.).

2. If it's in the text of the release, it will be available. Actually, no matter where it's placed on the page by the newswire, it will be available.

I wouldn't worry overly much. My experience is that when you're using newswire distribution, you probably won't get too many calls. Either you'll get emails or people simply pull the release and use it. And if you do get a call, it's probably from a larger outlet, and one you don't want to miss.

Summary needs some work. You've got a new grammar and spelling error in there. Try this:

On June 21st, one of the leading international hip hop battle websites, www.hiphop-battles.com, relaunched to introduce a brand new design and a new free arena for graffiti battles.

You've got a bit of extra space before and after the 'for more information...' paragraph.

Other than that, looks good.

Jenn

 

Perfect.

Now the only thing I still need is my programer and my designer to finish the second version. Hopefully this will be done till end of next week.

Thank you for your patients and professional help.
This is what I call quality feedback.

I keep you posted about how this turns out.

Best regards and have a nice weekend

Michael

 

No problem. Good luck with it and in getting the second version ready. Definitely post about how it turns out.

Jenn