please review my sales letter

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by mohamedd, Feb 24, 2008.

  1. #1
    Ok i dont have thousands to pay pro copywriters so i did it my self. I think its ok but I seriously need some feed back.

    Now i know i have a few grammatical errors and spelling which i will soon fix out. But i want too know what you think about the essence of the letter.

    I used what ever recourses i had at my disposal, but i think that i have fallen short.

    And should i include my product price in the sales letter?

    www.tilewithease.com

    if your find the audio annoying just turn it off :)
     
    mohamedd, Feb 24, 2008 IP
  2. Kedroy

    Kedroy Peon

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    #2
    It's sound good.
     
    Kedroy, Feb 24, 2008 IP
  3. digitalmatch

    digitalmatch Peon

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    #3
    "I urge you too pay attention" - double "o" in to
     
    digitalmatch, Feb 25, 2008 IP
  4. nadavs

    nadavs Active Member

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    #4
    Use lose (the opposite of win), not loose (the opposite of tight).
    Just asking: is there a market for this thing?
    nadavs
     
    nadavs, Feb 25, 2008 IP
  5. mohamedd

    mohamedd Active Member

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    #5
    lol thanks guys i will fix those asap, but im asking what about the essence of the letter is it any good?

    nadvas- yes there is a market, i mean not massively huge but big enough to average a good ROI on a daily basis. If you were to promote i suggest you give a good pre sell i find that pre selling it will work 10 times better then direct linking.

    now should i include the price in the sales letter?
     
    mohamedd, Feb 25, 2008 IP
  6. marketjunction

    marketjunction Well-Known Member

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    #6
    1. Your first line of text repeats your headline.

    2. The next sentence ("urge you to pay attention and read...") talks down to the reader and creates a false sense of urgency.

    3. You've basically said "before we start" three times in just this little block of text. Get to the point and don't repeat so much.

    4. Exactly who is your audience? If they are educated at all, this letter is a big turnoff. You said you're not going to waste the reader's time, yet that's exactly what you're doing within just the quoted segment. Strip it down and be more concise.

    I scanned the rest of the letter. The target seems to be 14-18-year-olds with possibly a high school diploma. If that's not your target, the copy needs major work. If it is, just fix some of the other issues.

    And calling your reader a dummy for not buying from you isn't the best idea in the world.

    Needless to say, the letter needs major work.

    But, since money is an issue, just do your best, launch it and see what happens. That's what I did when I wrote my first ad for print (I was about 10).
     
    marketjunction, Feb 25, 2008 IP
  7. webgal

    webgal Peon

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    #7
    "From dummy to professional tile layer so quickly it will boggle your mind"

    This is a bit awkward. Zero in on who your target market is first. Then figure out how to appeal to them and write headlines.

    Marketjunction has offered very specific advice.

    It's a "tile setter" and a "brick layer". While that tile looks like brick it's tile and you set tile. Below is not killer but it's correct. Don't know about 4 weeks or less, just a guess.

    "From amateur or professional tile setter in 4 weeks or less."
     
    webgal, Feb 25, 2008 IP
  8. ForumJoiner

    ForumJoiner Active Member

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    #8
    >>> NOW ONLY A DUMMY WOULD PASS OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY....
    The next step is to call me idiot if I leave the page without reading it all. Why do you yell at me? :)

    The box with promises looks to me like a wedding invitation. Too many colors/fonts.

    How about changing the fading background of the main page and of the boxes with a tiled one, more related to the idea of the site?

    Unless you're in cleaning business, I believe that words like "crap" don't belong to your page.

    I didn't read all the words and I couldn't figure out if you sell an eBook or a subscription. Usually, it takes me 1 second to know if something is free/paid and what kind of media I'll receive.

    PS ... before its too late. should be "it's too late". It's = it is, in this context.

    "You are in luck" sounds like "You are in deep ... luck ;)". Why not "you're lucky"?
     
    ForumJoiner, Mar 2, 2008 IP