Hi, I just wrote my first adcopy. It's fictious project about a laptop called the Bellinger 2000. Can any one review it for me. thanx Bellinger2000 Leads You to Laptop Heaven Get Ready for Takeoff Bellinger has come out with an incredible laptop that definitely feels like heaven. We suggest you get ready for takeoff. This latest Bellinger has an impressive 2 gig hard drive that should make your laptop experience turbulence-free; it has enough space to pack as much information as you want. Worried about weight problems? No sweat! This model is as light as the air you breathe. Weighing between 3 and 8 pounds, you can carry this Bellinger wherever you go, be it the library, in a taxi, you name it. You won’t have to worry about excess baggage. Looking for a perfect size? Bellinger 2000 has a flexible 12.1 inches; you don’t have to worry about squinting when looking at your screen. Bellinger 2000 also has “an out of this world†Matrix Display which makes for sharper image illustration. Pictures come out sharper, making your laptop experience as stress free as possible. And the keyboards are so smooth and flexible your fingers feel like they‘re floating in space. You won’t have to worry about wrist problems here! Worried about price? Not to worry! We’re giving this awesome laptop away for a cool $800.00. However, since you want to know what you’re getting into. Here is what we’re going to do: • We’ll let you try this laptop for 60 days. We’ll give you your money back if it does not live up to your expectations. But you’ll have to order within a week in order to qualify. • When you order within this 1 week window, you get a 10% discount! How does that sound?
Although it's good to have key sell words, like "heaven," to me it looks like you are overdoing it. “an out of this world†"like they‘re floating in space." I don't know...maybe tone it down a bit? You are making it sound TOO good. If you know what I mean. "We’re giving this awesome laptop away for a cool $800.00." I don't know about the others, but I didn't care too much for that. "Giving this awsome laptop away," and then you say $800??? I know what you mean, but still... You do not want your readers going "riiiiiight," and rolling their eyes, or whatever, at any time during your sales pitch. Once they do that, it will then be even harder to sell them. By the way, with many laptops these days under $500, you may want to think of MORE ways to try to sell them on that price. I don't know...perhaps: What you get for your investment of $800: Then put your sales pitch in bullets. For me, personally, I always thought, and still think that laptops at that price are a rip off. I can get a desktop for less than that. I know, it is the convenience of taking a computer with you, but still... Maybe work that angle for people like me? ~ I am thinking about getting a laptop because many times my girlfriend wants to spend time together watching tv, or talking in bed. So maybe you can use that as a sales pitch. But $800? I don't know about that one. ~ "But you’ll have to order within a week in order to qualify." I know others will agree with me on this one: That right there turns me off! That's a line straight out of snake-oil salesmen. It's like: Okay, why are they saying this??? And I am not going to be rushed like that anyway. I'll just say "bye bye," and walk. Expand on the 10% discount: "What can you do with an extra $80...." In addition to being serious, also try to be funny about it, to put a smile on their face. The more you can get them to smile, the better your odds. Perhaps put all the things they can do with the $80 in bullets: Buy 6 pizzas. Pay the cable bill. Fill your tank up twice. (#@&% oil companies!!) Pay back a friend. (Ok, maybe not that one.). Take the bullets out of the phone number and e-mail. It doesn't look right.
I would say I agree with everything above, it’s tricky to sell without over-sell. The terms used are a little cliché, again that’s tricky to avoid. To me the tone is some what casual, like talking to someone. Maybe that is what you wanted but I don’t think it is good for a sales pitch. Keep trying, mine were a lot worse when I started, practice is everything in this game.
The first two sentances are a bit repetitive -- talking about heaven and "taking off" again. Think about what is cool about this machine. Also who is your audience for this copy? 20 somethings, baby boomers? Use some catch phrases that will appeal to that generation and that will help pull them in.
I also agree with what was said above. Some of the sentences seemed longer than they needed to be, it didn't seem to flow quite right. Also, as mentioned above it may be helpful if you tell us the target audience you are aiming for. It does make a big difference in the writing style the age, sex and type of person you are writing for. The easiest way to look at this is picture your target market and think about what kind of people they are, how do they talk? How do they think? What kind of education do they have? All of this comes into play when writing ad copy. Also check out some books on sales by people like Joe Sugarman, Dan Kennedy and Gary Halbert. If you can't find the books, just go to their web pages and analyze how they write, Of course keep in mind that some of what Kennedy and Halbert do in their own sales text works for them because of who they are, a no name person couldn't get away with some of their tactics. Jacob
In general, I've been taught that ad copy should be as concise as possible. So, a couple of uses of flamboyant language are OK, but an entire ad like yours should have two or less. If you're looking for a great laptop ad, look not further than the undisputed master of electronics advertising, Apple. Like their computers or not, you have to give it up to Apple when it comes to ads. Here's their copy from the Apple site regarding the Macbook Air (an overpriced, underpowered machine made to sound like he best thing ever): Introducing Macbook Air the world's thinnest notebook. Macbook Air is ultrathin, ultraportable and ultra unlike anything else (*when making a list like this, it's usually good to do it in threes*). But you don't lose inches and pounds overnight. it's the result of rethinking conventions. Of multiple wireless innovations. And of breakthrough design. With Macbook Air, Mobile computing suddenly has a new standard. (*short sentences are easier to read*) Starting at $1799 (keeping the "," out of the price makes it seem cheaper) Hope that helps
Ad copies should be short and sharp yet have an overwhelming impact, something you can't easily forget. Go straight to the point. Never underestimate the intelligence of your market. Buyers are a lot smarter than what sellers think. Words used should also be connected to the product. Use heaven and air only if it's lighter than the Macbook Air, otherwise, you're committing suicide.
Another poster who doesn't bother coming back to his thread. Oh, wait, maybe his Internet went out too.