Could you please critique this sales pitch for me. I haven't yet added graphics, I just need you to critique the sales pitch. Let me know what you like about it, what you don't like about and advice on changes I should make. Save Money On Gas *** ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH WATER FOR GAS ***** Thanks in anticipation.
Funny you should say that because when I read the domain name, that was instantly what I thought - another Water Gas site. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it was just my initial thought. A good sales page! Definitely have to add some images or something to break up all the text. Not much thought because you don't want to over do it but definitely something after the graph and before the end just to break that section up a bit. Just my thoughts.
thanks for the feedback. There will definitely be graphics. I am making them now. i just need feedback on the pitch itself first because if the pitch is bad without graphics, it will still be bad with graphics.
Ok, so... it is a nice pitch, however: I would break the list into two lists because now you have 40 points in it. People on web have a very short attention span. Shortlist the ten main points and list them in bold (don't use this bold-normal-bold-normal - it reads bad). If you want, you can list other points after a break... but anyway, I think 40 is tooooo much. Now, you are busting the myth about the idling? Why did I notice it only when I read it the second time? Shout about it! Scream about it! Bang! People love when you bust the myths. The main title cannot be smaller than the subtitle. "You don't need to break the bank..." is your title. Make it prominent. There's no reason for hiding it. The student stuff is a subtitle. Nobody cares about students. A student is not the most attractive marketing pitch because he is poor, he is a geek and he has no girlfriend. People love to read about successful people. And then there's this third subtitle. Both subtitles have 3 or 4 lines of text into it. boring... Don't use Excel (or whatever you used) to create your charts. It looks bad. For horizontal axis, remove the yadda and leave only years. For vertical axis, round the sums to the even dollar and half dollar i.e. $3, $3.50, $4 etc... people don't read uneven sums where there are decimal numbers. They just cannot comprehend this information quickly enough. I like the "Shhhhhhh!!!...." part. Put it in quotes " " and you will be spot on. Add more bold blue quoted texts. Don't underline, make bold! If it is web sales copy, you cannot underline a text if it is not clickable! Peoples' first reaction is to click on it. When it doesn't click they are disappointed. You don't want to disappoint 'em. Paragraphs that have more than 3 lines remain unread. Try to shorten your copy. Are you sure every sentence of it sells? Replace your signature with something that resembles a name AND a surname. People would rather give money to John Green than to Pixco or Pikachu. Gas prices can only triPle, they cannot triPPle even if they try hard! However, they can tiPPle but it is another story as your pitch is not about alcohol When you add some nice pictures, it will be a good seller! Good luck!
Not Bad, But I would change that top line "You don't need to break the bank just by to driving your car!" you could word it a little better. Maybe take the word "to" out.
First and the most important mate, you have to work on your grammar. Sad, but after reading your page I have a feeling that 13 years old kid wrote this page.
Thanks a lot, that is some very good advice and you have made some great points. Advice taken. Yeah I will be adding graphics later as I have stated earlier. lol, I didn't notice that, thanks The sales letter is supposed to reach you on a personal level. I've been reading Dan Kennedy's "The Ultimate Sales Letters" and he says a sales letter is not a grammar exam and a teacher of english should not like it (not to say you are one). However, if there is a certain part that particularly stands out as being childish, please let me know so i have a look at it If its a problem that is affecting you and you find one of those sales pages has the solution to your problem, you will read it THANKS ALL, APPRECIATED.
Hi chixco, Your product reminds me of a book I bought about 25 years ago - "How To Get More Miles Per Gallon", I think it's called. I believe the advice it contains has saved me a significant amount of money since then. I'd echo a lot of the comments already posted. The overall impression is good, but you should read your page carefully to make sure there are no wrong words or words missed out. For example, what do "the price go up and down" and "a secret move to use with the to save nearly a half cup of gasoline" mean? There are several other examples. The page also seems to be completely US-oriented. Granted, the US will undoubtedly be your biggest market, but the bulk of your advice will apply to drivers in other countries too. A simple change like occasionally using the word "petrol" instead of "gas", for example, will increase the appeal of the page to UK visitors and maybe those from other places too. If you take on board the advice you have been given by posters here, I see no reason why you couldn't launch now, but adopt a policy of constant refinement to the layout and wording of the page. Iain
Almost all done now, awaiting approval from clickbank. What do you think of the page overall now? Advice Taken: - graphics now added - slightly adjusted headline to what i saw fit - shortened a lot of paragraphs that were over 3 lines - about halved the bullet points and split them into 2 separate lists - went through and adjusted some sentences to make them more adult oriented as someone suggested - corrected grammar errors - made a few changes to make it a bit more UK and other parts of the world friendly Thank you all for your help!!
It has been approved now. It was pretty quick (less than 24 hours). I'll be launching on Monday. I'll use the weekend to prepare some affiliate tools for affiliates to use for promotion.
Honestly, the graphics are really unprofessional. No offense, I know you made them yourself, but it doesn't look good at all from my point of view, having worked with Photoshop. With some professional looking graphics I believe you'd sell much, much more than you do now. The rest of the sales page is fine, just not that very top part, which also happens to be the first thing a visitor sees... first impressions last mate. I guess I could make you a header if you want, I could even do it free. Add me on msn and we'll talk.
Yeah, i'm no graphics designer, but my graphics much better than the water4gas ones and many other high converting products on CB and it doesn't really hurt their sales. However, I am willing to take you up on that generous offer. we can discuss, what is your msn? Thanks.
I think graphics are over rated. I think glamor and fireworks and exploding cars aren't really the way to sell. I think you do need a graphic of what you're selling to give it a tangible feeling, but don't clutter up the page with graphics because it is "hip and cool" to do. Everyone must of seen those pages that suck real bad because the person that designed it thought doing it in super 10mb flash is "uber" cool.