Hi, I would like to get a few opinions or ratings on this article I recently wrote. Criticism is welcomed and feel free to be harsh, I want an honest opinion on this. (ignore the context of not bolding, headlines, underlining ect... I'm just copying and pasting from Microsoft word) Losing the Christmas Shopping Stress Its nearing that time again where malls are open 24/7, kids start becoming angels, and a fat guy in a red suit gets his job back. Christmas is a time for joy and laughter, except the shopping. Rushing from store to store while trying to avoid being trampled by hundreds of other desperate shoppers can shave a couple years off your life. Thankfully, I've picked up a few tips over the years to help me cope with all the excitement. First and foremost is a result of the technological advances our world has gone through, Internet . Pick and choose your items from hundreds of stores all from the comfort of wherever your computer is. Much easier to compare prices and see different varieties with a couple clicks instead of having to go to multiple stores. The things you buy are also less influenced by a sweet talking salesperson. Many a times have I gone out to buy 2 items but instead come home with about 5 just because an employee had amazing persuasive skills. The trump card for shopping online is...you can do it anytime as long as you have internet access. Got a stomach-ache and can't stay 10 feet away from your bathroom? No problem, grab a laptop and get comfy on the toilet seat. This scenario isn't made up, it's happened before, don't ask me how I know. This next idea is for those who can't operate all these fancy computers or just can't resist the temptation of buying at a bargain price. If you're serious about risking life and limb to do Christmas Eve shopping, good old preparation will help. Before you go all the way to the mall, sit down for a couple of minutes and jot down a list of what gifts you're thinking of getting. Next call up a couple of friends who have cell phones and are reliable. Combine your lists and split them into categories (remember to have everyone write their name beside their item for future reference). Next assign a category to each person. Voila, I just taught you how to create a team of specialized Christmas shoppers. Cuts down on shop scouting time as well as provides a large network of information. Hope these tips will help prevent someone from going crazy during Christmas shopping. Happy shopping
Well done,I enjoyed the read. However...I find the usage of numbers as opposed to writing out the number irritating. It makes it look a bit tacky. (I'll admit to doing this at times when in a hurry) Also you ended with "Happy shopping". That should not be a separate sentence, but ought to be written after a comma following your last sentence.
This doesn't make sense to me. Hard to read, hard to understand. Flip it around and put the subject noun at the beginning where it belongs. And I find "Happy shopping!" at the end, minus the quotes - to be a perfectly self-sufficient phrase.
Your article is well-off in consistency and accord. You have a confidently establish introduction and the body is effective.
Thank you everyone for the criticism. @Spoildiva and Senobia: I've corrected the sentence structure and changed the sample to fit the changes. At the end of all these changes, I'll post the new changed article. Also, what do you think for value (in terms of $/100 words) is this article worth?
@Guitarhermit, Your asking price is in no way unreasonable but....typical of young writers while you may possess talent in your chosen craft, you lack any experience in how to market this skill and are therefore reduced to accepting low payment.
@Spoiltdiva: Personally I don't mind accepting low payments for my first few articles if it means letting people know my skill and gaining reputation. @Senobia: Lol that sounds like a line out of a self-motivational poster But it does have truth in it. Hoping to get around $1-1.50/100 words when I get some reputation.
Thanks for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed reading it for you. Without editing or re-writing it, i'll just suggest a twist. Put a stronger emphasis at the end of paragraph one (or better yet as part of a single line paragraph after it) on having two very different ways to ease Christmas shopping. E.G !ts nearing that time again where malls are open 24/7, kids start becoming angels, and a fat guy in a red suit gets his job back. Christmas is a time for joy and laughter, except the shopping. Rushing from store to store while trying to avoid being trampled by hundreds of other desperate shoppers can shave a couple years off your life. The path to peacefully easy Christmas shopping splits in two different directions. We'll explain the nice old fashioned way to shop effectively. As well as how to instantly shop through the information superhighway -the internet to you and me! ((your last intro was too eloquent sorry)). Pick and choose your items from hundreds of stores all from the comfort of wherever your computer is. Much easier to compare prices and see different varieties with a couple clicks instead of having to go to multiple stores. The things you buy are also less influenced by a sweet talking salesperson. ETC. If you're not interested in shopping online this Christmas then step one is some good old preparation. Before you go all the way to the mall, sit down for a couple of minutes and jot down a list of what gifts you're thinking of getting. ETC. -------- Uh also is the article intended to sell some product or service? Or an information article on two different ways to shop at Christmas?
You have to get rid of your metadiscourse, meaning the meaningless words that you use for the sake of filling space. Good copy is clear and concise copy. You want to approach with a goal in mind. You want to evoke emotions. Stick to the AIDA rule. ATTENTION; INTEREST; DESIRE; ACTION. Get their attention with your headline, generate interest by pacing and relating to your audience, create desire and get them to do something!
Absolutely. At first I presumed to rewrite the whole thing with such things in mind -sorry GuitarHermit. It was a fun exercise for a while.
@seph 2013: Wow I've still got a ways to go, didn't even know the AIDA rule. The meta discourse is a spawn from my personality . I'll work on keeping that away from my writing. Thanks a lot for the detailed criticism
Interesting, as you note that their are a large amount of people who are unable or uneducated in the use of the internet. This obviously means that, as time goes by, there will be an endless stream of beginners joining the Internet community. More power to you! Nicely written, with your particular "edge" on it. Thanks for sharing!
Your first sentence is of very high quality. However, you fail to maintain that quality for the rest of the article. Furthermore, you make some mistakes that you can easily avoid by just a little bit of proofreading. For lines: > First and foremost is a result of the technological advances our world has gone through, Internet . Pick and choose your items from hundreds of stores all from the comfort of wherever your computer is. Much easier to compare prices and see different varieties with a couple clicks instead of having to go to multiple stores. The 1. You should not bold text normally. 2. There is a superfluous space after "Internet". 3. The line "Pick and choose" seems like sales copy, and not article material. Same goes for the line "Much easier ...". These should begin with a subject, like "You can pick and choose ..." and "It is much easier ...". Your sentences as they are written are not complete sentences. 4. Senobia has already mentioned the ways in which the line "First and foremost ..." fails to deliver. Overall, if you were on Textbroker, this piece would likely be rated at level 3, which would get it 1 cent a word ( but clients pay 1.5 cents a word to Textbroker for level three articles). However, if you polished it a bit, it would instantly go up to level 4 ( at which there are to be no mistakes in grammar etc, and clients pay 2.1 cents a word for it, getting you 1.5 cents a word). However, I would say that if you keep writing at the quality you demonstrated in the first sentence, you can easily get 3-5 cents a word from clients who require persuasive copy.