I am reading a book on copy. The assignment was to choose my favorite restaurant and try to convince people to go there. Below is the first draft of my first ever letter. Please provide suggestions on what worked, what didn't work and what was lacking. Dear Eater: Do you enjoy a delicious meal? I do. Does the scenery in a restaurant add to the experience? It does for me. Do you like a place where you can take your friends and build memories? If you answer “yes†to these questions, then TGI FRIDAYS was made for you. Choose from a wide array of juicy stakes, savory hamburgers or chicken that hits the spot. As you take your taste buds to a higher level of dining, our soft, elevator music will sooth your mind and body as you eat. Glimpse around our dazzling collection of multi-colored artwork on the walls. Our restaurant provides for the ultimate experience of the senses. -When you don’t smell the freshly baked side dishes from our kitchen, you can feel the good vibes from our gorgeous and professionally trained waitresses. -If you aren’t slurping on one of our fine malted milkshakes, you can run your fingers through the dials of our turn-back-the-clock jukebox. When you aren’t devouring our delicious baked potatoes, you can rest your head against our sleek leather-cushioned bench seats. Simply put, TGI FRIDAYS is more than just a place to eat It’s an experience! Recently, a well known businessman, John Smith, enjoyed one of our meals. He found the place so charming, the zest in his eyes and voice attracted a woman at a nearby table. The two struck up a conversation and continue to talk to this day---about the location of their honeymoon!!! It’s an inspiration! Our manager at an Austin, Texas chain once got a phone call from a waitress on staff. She told her boss about a certain, Rebecca Doe. This college student became a well-known patron in the restaurant by staying for hours after a meal. For weeks, our staff noticed that something seemed missing. Rebecca was nowhere to be found----until the restaurant received a postcard from Hollywood. It was from Rebecca! She praised the surroundings in the restaurant for motivating her to write a screenplay that she had just sold to a major producer!!! It’s relaxing! Mark David is a psychiatrist from Yale University. We were surprised when he came in to our Boston location one night and told us that he ordered his patients to eat at our restaurant monthly. These people had a wide range of emotional problems from depression to paranoia. Surprisingly, we’d never encountered happier nor calmer people than his patients when they ate at our restaurant!!! We here at TGI FRIDAYS want you to enjoy the best dining possible. We also want you to have similar special experiences like the ones mentioned. Eat at TGI FRIDAYS for 3 times in a month and we’ll let you eat for free on the following Friday!
I can't say too much, but my initial advice would be to try and use positive sentences. Both of these are what I call "negative leaders." Rather than telling the reader what he or she will do, see, experience, etc., you start of by saying what they might not do, see, experience, etc. This segment is too much of a pattern. Liven it up a bit. Also, the reader really doesn't need "your" answer to each question. See if you can make this block more imaginative and tighten it up to 1-2 sentences. This is your lead, so it has to rock n roll. Every time I see this ("we here at COMPANY NAME"), I want to shoot someone. Anyway, good job on your very first assignment. Keep working at it and you'll have something much better in no time. Just wondering, is this a traditional book or a course?
This comes from a book that my friend let me borrow, which is called a course but not the type that requires you to attend.
Put in more descriptive words that gets the taste buds going. Make their mouth water! Describe how juicey and tender their chicken is. Describe how thick and creamy their shakes are. Describe how their ribs smell upon arriving steaming at the table. From, "it's an experience," on down most people won't read. Many don't care about what John Smith said. And that is nearly half the article! So perhaps you should consider taking all that out, which shortens the article, which, in turn, pulls in more readers.
It may be just me but starting with "Dear eater" seems like an instant turnoff. As a matter of principle I usually avoid asking rhetorical questions in the beginning of a sales letter. I'm with Perry here. You could start with "Imagine the sight of the best hamburger. Go wild. Try to feel that delicious taste. Now stop imagining and pay us a visit. We are called TGI FRIDAYS and we will soon become the only place you'll ever want to dine in." At least that's how I would start. As for the up and personal stories, I think that they do the trick but that's something I would like to avoid. They do seem a bit far fetched you know and everything that threatens credibility is usually left out of my copy. Hope this helps. Best regards, George
It reminded me of a copywriting course by a company that has the initials AW**, so I asked. I actually have two of their products sitting in my business library.
Yes, this is from aw**. I've heard some negative things about them. Can you substantiate any positives?
If you tell me what negatives you've heard, I'll gladly respond. I picked up two of their courses to see if I could learn something new. I'm to the point where spending a few hundred or so to learn 1-2 good concepts is dirt cheap. I found their forum to be a bit lacking to say the least, so if you were looking for solid help constantly, it's not going to happen. Since they offer their courses on the pay as you go plan (good mkt strategy), the courses are front loaded with what amounts to sales copy. It has many beginning chapters of "look at how you could be sipping margaritas while writing a few lines of copy" content. I know they have to do this to keep billings going, but it seemed to be a bit thick. Anyway, I still haven't looked at all the stuff I bought from them (it's been two years too), so I can't say if it's all golden material or not. A quick scan produced things like "picture, promise." And the copywriting course came with a book of 50 successful letters. In the end, it depends how you look at it. Each of my marketing classes in college cost me about $500ish, so it's the price of one class. On the other hand, for $500 (or whatever it is) you could raid Amazon.com and pick up 10-25 books. And that course is for a certain kind of copywriter. If you were going to be an advertising copywriter (print ads, billboards, radio, TV, etc), there are more important and better ways to learn and proceed. When you're ready to go deeper, you'll need to read a lot. Every copywriting book I own or have seen is just surface material. It's copy and see instruction. But, you need to know why something works. And that's where side books, such as psychology, comes into play.
I have to say "Dear Eater" just made me stop cold. Dear Burger Connoisseur or something like that. "It's an experience" is a label. It's good to break up the copy with subheads but make them count. Put your mind in the shoes of your target. Start to think like them. Don't even touch the letter until you KNOW the people you are talking to. And then "sell" it. What kind of experience does it deliver? Is it satisfying to have a well-made burger that doesn't get lost in the bun. It's lively and loud in there. Make that sound great to those who seek an action-packed establishment. Choose a target. Families? Then focus on the kid-friendly stuff like free dinners on Tuesdays or milkshakes on Wednesdays. Drink refills etc. Bar crowd? Great after work hangout or college basketball venue. Pick someone to advertise to and then the task is easier and the ad is more effective. To be honest, I wouldn't write a sales letter for TGI friday. I'd write a print ad. A sales letter is effective. It's just not an effective ad vehicle for that category--national chain restaurant with top-of-mind brand recognition.
I did a google search on michael masterson, the guy who runs the awai course. Below is a link I found that smears his name bigtime. http://www.friendsinbusiness.com/board1/index.cgi/noframes/read/121586 SInce i am borrowing the book from a friend, i am not in danger if being scammed. I guess the question becomes, is this the same type of material that would be proferred in say, a college course?
I'm not sure where the scam is. It doesn't look like that poster knows the definition and he's applying wrong concepts in his writing. But, your copy is free, so you're set. The college courses are about the same. You pay for the class/materials and spend a semester talking and testing. The better classes are project and real-world based. Unless you take a targeted course (if even offered), the class will most likely be surface level. For instance, one of my classes was advertising copywriting. That's all we did--print ads, tv ads, radio ads, and billboards. The main difference is the college class professor isn't going to jump up and down telling you that there's $100k waiting for you in a few months.
Not a totally bad first effort. But certainly one that needs quite a bit of work... Dear Eater - Are you calling me a glutton or fat here? The first 3 questions (kill the answers) do not excite. For the most part, all are something diners would hope to find in a restaurant. Only the chicken hits the spot? "soft, elevator music" - doesn't fit with "dazzling collection of multi-colored artwork". One puts me to sleep the other sounds like an assault on the senses. "-When you don’t smell the freshly baked side dishes from our kitchen, you can feel the good vibes from our gorgeous and professionally trained waitresses." Cooking aromas and beautiful babes, sounds more like Hooters than TGI. "-If you aren’t slurping on one of our fine malted milkshakes, you can run your fingers through the dials of our turn-back-the-clock jukebox." Slurping - not an attractive picture. Milkshakes are about ice cream, coolness, thickness, and fresh milk. Slurping just sounds somehow sloppy and goes back to the "eater" concept. Can I use the jukebox if I buy a milkshake? "When you aren’t devouring our delicious baked potatoes, you can rest your head against our sleek leather-cushioned bench seats." Again the gluttony reference. So, if I order a backed potato, I can't rest my head? The restaurant is both an experience and a place to get some rest while I listen to elevator music? I haven't seen the materials you are using but I'm not sure it is giving you good guidance. You always have to consider that words have both literal and emotional meanings. After you write a draft, go through it with the intent to debate against it. Pick it to shreds. Look at each word and evaluate if someone could see something other than you intended. Even "Dear Diner" would have been better than "Dear Eater". TGI's is supposed to be a hip, happening kinda place; elevator music is decidedly not hip or happening. You later mention a "turn-back-the-clock jukebox"; are you calling oldies elevator music? I realize some of my questions (the milkshake and potato) may seem silly but you have to look deeper at what you are saying. If you are not careful with your writing, you can imply something that is not true. You don't want to give your prospects any reason to question what you are saying. The three personal stories do nothing to make me want to visit the restaurant. Two people found love there? So, people find love in the supermarket too, that doesn't make it a great place to eat. The Austin restaurant is so empty that it can allow a patron to linger for hours after they have finished eating? The happiest people in the Boston location are all mental patients? I would suggest you dump the book and go visit some of the sites of the more well known copywriters. Michel Fortin has some great free and for sale materials as well as an active forum of both grizzled veteran copywriters and newbies.
I would leave that off too. Of course we do. Duh. In fact, leave off all questions. Get to the meat of your copy. Excuse the pun.
I like the copy after this part: Story telling is always an art and people love to read a copy that tells a good, snippet of a story - this part of the copy exploits that tactic. But the other part sounds cliche.
THat piece of writing is just average. Plain average i would say. what the second guy advised is quite correct. You need to avoid a lot negativism. It never pays to be negative. You have to advise the readers of the positive course of action they need to take. You have to get them to plunge into your article. The first part with obvious questions and answers doesnt work at all most of the time. You have to give care to the content, and make simple working sentences.
Do you enjoy a delicious meal? I do. Does the scenery in a restaurant add to the experience? It does for me. Do you like a place where you can take your friends and build memories? Where's your answer to the third question? I would start with the advantages: Eat 3 times in a month and next Friday you eat free. Eat free every Friday! Certain restrictions apply. >>> When you don’t smell the freshly baked side dishes from our kitchen, you can feel the good vibes from our gorgeous and professionally trained waitresses. Are you implying that you offer Thai massage? Because that's what I picture when I read your description. >>> Dear Eater: Why not "Dear Menu-Reader"? Please get the bright side of this: if the book you're reading suggests this type of ad, you might consider changing the book.
I agree with webgal on this one. If you are going to write sales copy, which is essentially advertising, then you need to think of who you are advertising to - and TGI is more a family chain than anything else. If you want something that works then write to that audience - and sorry to be picky but stake when it should be steak should have been picked up with a proof read.