Hi! I wrote an opinion essay. Please read it and correct mistakes. Why should the disabled participate in social life in the same way other people do? We come across the disabled every day. Some of them are seriously experienced during their life. I strongly believe there is no reason why they should not participate in social life like the other people do. (36) To start with, fitness is not the most important assessment of abilities and we must remember that handicapped people can have many advantages which give them a high opinion. Not to mention the fact that nobody can prove that the disabled people are less precious than other! (47) Secondly, the life was not be easier than ever before, because the majority obstacles have gone. Nowadays researchers give us a technology which can completely help with the movement for disabled people. What is more, the goverment supports funding this equipment. (41) On the other hand, the handicapped people argue that disability do not allow to participate in social life, because they find difficults with relations. For example they are bashful and they do not want to show their handicap to other. (39) To sum up, the disabled people have a bit harder way to participate in social life, but they should try because they are necessary like any other. In my opinion we should live all together and help with any difficults because everybody should get a chance for decent life. Thanks a lot BTW - It can be incomprehensible .
Some of them are seriously experienced during their life. (This sentence doesn't make sense, what are you trying to say?) I strongly believe there is no reason why they should not participate in social life like the other people do. (36) (Take out the - I think social situations might sound better) To start with, fitness is not the most important assessment of abilities and we must remember that handicapped people can have many advantages which give them a high opinion. (put physical in front of fitness, put "a persons" in front of abilities - many advantages which give them a high opinion (this doesn't make sense, some of the words don't fit, advantages, high opinion) Not to mention the fact that nobody can prove that the disabled people are less precious than other! (47) Instead of saying this, why don't you say - "There have been numerous studies indicating that the physically disabled are capable of living a full life, participating in many of the same activities as those who are not disabled. (of course you will have to google, studies on physically disabled) Secondly, the life was not be easier than ever before, because the majority obstacles have gone. Nowadays researchers give us a technology which can completely help with the movement for disabled people. What is more, the goverment supports funding this equipment. (41) The 1st sentence doesn't make sense. Nowadays, with the use of technolgy, many obstacles no longer exist. Disabled people are able to move around more freely than ever before. In many cases, funding for this equipment is paid for by the government. On the other hand, the handicapped people argue that disability do not allow to participate in social life, because they find difficults with relations. For example they are bashful and they do not want to show their handicap to other. (39) On the other hand, handicapped people say that a disability prohibits them from having a full social life. To sum up, disabled people have a harder time participating in social situations, but I think they should try because they are necessary like any other. In my opinion we should live all together and help with any difficulties because everybody should get a chance for a decent life. I believe members of the handicapped community are whole human beings with the same desires, needs and fears as everyone else. They have so much to offer society and we should do everything in out power to help them. Hi - I tried to make some changes for you, but sometimes I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say.
generally it does not flow. essays should be like this Introduction: overview of what your going to talk about and give a hint of the conclusion No more than a paragraph or two Middle: give both sides of the argument fairly but a bit of bais towards your own opinion - or the one you will end with a few sides of A4 - depending on the type of essay. End/Conclusion: more details of what you said in the introduction and flows on from the middle of your essay ending with your own bais. No more than a paragraph or two