I'll be posting some jokes from around the internet that i find. I'll try post the regularly. Heres the first... Importance of a name ____________________ Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
20 years ________ A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!"
Restroom Fun So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “‘Hi, how are you?†I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!†So the other guy says “So what are you up to?†What kind of question is that? By this point, I’m thinking it’s pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I reply “Uhhh I’m probably like you, just traveling?†At this point I’m wanting to get the hell outta there as fast as I can when dude asks another question… “‘Can I come over?†Ok, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them “Nah man, I’m a little busy right now!†Right then, dead silence… then I hear the person say (kinda nervously) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.â€
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.
A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist. Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute. To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin! The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane. The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.' 'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
Lost Cat ________ A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
3 Viagras A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them. The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says "You have a deal Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor says "What happened"? The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. The little Boy says: "Dark in here." The Man says: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!" Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250-00." A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots." The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?" The Boy says:"£750-00." The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them." few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game." The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for £1000." The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... £1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The Boy says: "Dark in here." The Priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"