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My first attempt at connecting with my customers, is it too much?

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by NicholasMuir, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. #1
    Hi, I have just joined so please let me know if I have put this in the correct area.

    I wrote a book for people that have just broken up, and have very little experience with women to get back into the dating game. I put a lot of work into making sure it does help them and I have seen it work so I know it a good product.

    I have just started starting to write the copy (and I am new to copy in general) and Identified my customer avaatar a as guy that just got out of a relationship, has little experience with women and is hurt, confused and anxious about where his future lies, and how to go about getting back into dating.

    Using AIDA I have been told that I need to tell my story identifying their problems. So I started by using many people direct quotes to tell my story.This is what I started with and want to know if any of you have been in that situation and identify but also if it is too much?

    Attention:

    “I THINK WE’RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS”, Find out why she left you and how you can get her back or find someone better in 30 days.

    Interest:

    5 years ago while I was at university. I was working all the time and my girlfriend was always complaining I was too busy. We would fight a lot but we truly loved each other. In the 4 years we were together my love for her grew more and more every day. I was actually going to ask her to be my fiancé.

    One day out of nowhere, the day before we were meant to go on holidays she tells me that our relationship was over and that she was going on holidays alone. What’s worse, she knew for over two months that this was going to happen. She had only booked tickets for one. I was so hurt that she could just walk away from what we had. It took me by complete surprise

    I wished she had told me sooner that her feelings were changing so we could have talked about it. In the weeks leading up to it she seemed so happy, she was telling me "I love you" every day, I can't even count the number of times we were saying this to each other.
    I was devastated! How could she suddenly lose all her feelings for me I would have done anything for her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I wanted to talk to her or just see her again but I knew she wouldn’t answer me.

    She said to me that she “Still loved me but wasn’t, IN love with me” and that we were better off as friends. She was my best friend and the person I spent most of my time with. I didn't understand how she could she say that she was still in love with me yet not want to be with me.

    It hurt me so bad, I mean how do you even try to move on from that? When you feel like your whole world is crumbling?

    Then when I finally did get in touch with her, she says she has been hanging out with a guy and they have kissed. I immediately loose it and ask a million questions, and the answers only hurt me more. How could she move on so fast like it was nothing.
    I was angry but I also still loved her and wanted her back. I felt like I needed to see someone myself to make her feel the pain she was putting me through and make her to see what she was missing out on.

    Only problem is didn’t have much experience with women, I hooked with her almost by accident. I had the occasional luck during school but I was basically clueless. I couldn’t see myself going up and approaching women without someone showing me what do. I mean what would I say and what if she got offended and angry or told me fuck off, I couldn’t handle that kind of rejection. I tried internet dating but I couldn’t even get a girl to text me back.

    I decided I wasn’t going to live like this anymore, I was going to do whatever it took to work out this part of my life and I was going to get her back.


    Thanks for your help
     
    NicholasMuir, Mar 1, 2016 IP
  2. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

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    #2
    Tricky niche, just make sure you're not using strangling or insults as a pick up technique. On the plus side, that other guy wasn't allowed into Australia so you have the whole country to yourself!
     
    sarahk, Mar 1, 2016 IP
  3. WLEadmin

    WLEadmin Active Member

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    #3
    Where's the sell? That's just a sad tale without a positive end. You'd need to put something on the end about how what you're selling turned everything around in 30 days, yada yada yada.

    Some of the detail also makes you sound whiny rather than devastated, e.g. she's seeing someone else and they have kissed... a large number of people who read this sort of thing will have experienced far worse, like catching their partner in bed with six men and a goat, so that will just make them roll their eyes. You need to make an impact by using superlatives and showing how your world can be destroyed so easily when you're in love, not whinge about how your poor little heart was mildly bruised and you moped about it (nasty expression used deliberately to show how it sounds). Make it sound dramatic: sell them Hollywood, not Nowheresville.

    You also have a bunch of grammatical mistakes that need fixing.

    My 2c (and it IS just opinion, you're allowed to disagree).
     
    WLEadmin, Mar 1, 2016 IP
  4. NicholasMuir

    NicholasMuir Greenhorn

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    #4
    @sarahk Haha, I will keep that in mind. Actually that brings up a really good question. All the copywriters I have spoken to say I should play up to the anger these guys are feeling but that is not what the book is about and I don't want to do that.

    @WLEadmin this is my story but just is actually a mash up of quotes from people I found and pasted together (Wanted to see if I could connect with them using their own words) and what you said was kind of my read on it but I am crossed between making up a fake story and telling them what happened in the correct manner.

    P.s. this is just the first part I haven't gone into discovery or benefits yet.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2016
    NicholasMuir, Mar 1, 2016 IP
  5. WLEadmin

    WLEadmin Active Member

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    #5
    Take the journalistic approach: bend the truth. Tell the real story, but use hyperbole and exaggeration to make it sound dramatic. It's borderline lying, but that's what copywriting is all about.
     
    WLEadmin, Mar 2, 2016 IP
  6. Gregory V. Diehl

    Gregory V. Diehl Greenhorn

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    #6
    With copywriting, you have to anticipate how your reader is going to react with each new revelation about the product you are selling so you know how to guide their emotions and thoughts next, even when they aren't right in front of you. So it's like a conversation you practice in your head and transcribe onto paper. It depends on your knowing the imaginary reader well enough to predict them.
     
    Gregory V. Diehl, Mar 9, 2016 IP