Make me Laugh $50 prize

i like the last responce

 

Listen to this clip. You're sure to get a laugh out of this, even if you've heard it before. Always brings tears to my eyes.

humorbomb.com/sounds/100grand.mp3

 

Q) How can you tell if an Irishman is on an oil rig?

A) He's the one tossing bread to the helicopters.

 

I have a joke (I'll try to translate it in a right way):

A guy is sitting in a bus. On the next station enters a grandma and stands next to the guy, finding no free place to sit. At one moment she asks:
-Sorry boy, can we swap?
-Yeah right, then me to be a crone!

 

Top Secret Microsoft Code

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
        if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
        {
                if (there_are_still_bugs)
                        market(bugfix);
                if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
                        raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
        }
        while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
        {
                make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); 
/*  Standard Call, inlie.h */
                if (rumours_grow_wilder)
                make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
                if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
                {
                        market_time=ripe;
                        say("It will be ready in one month);
                        order(programmers, 
stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
                        order(programmers, 
start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
                        order(marketingstaff, 
permission_to_spread_nonsense);
                        vapourware=TRUE;
                        break;
                }
        }

        switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
        {
                case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
                        say("It will be ready in", today+_30_days," 
we're just testing");
break;
                case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
                        say("Yes it will work");
                        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
                        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
                        break;
                case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
                        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning 
speed due to"
                                " the 32 bits architecture");
                        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise 
skyhigh");
                        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                        "'cos all those customers will need at least 
32 megs");
                        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your 
sales will triple");
                        get_big_bonus(INTEL,    SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
                        break;
                case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
                        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better 
world for everyone");
                        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
                        when(time_is_ripe)
                        {
                                arrest(journalist);
                                brainwash(journalist);
                                
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
                                {
                                        order(journalist, "write a 
nice objective article");
                                        release (journalist);
                                }
                        }
                        break;
        }

        while (vapourware)
        {
                introduction_date++; /* Delay */
                if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
                        break;
                say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
        }
        release(beta_version)

        while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
        {
                bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
                release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
                introduce(more_memory_requirements);
                if (customers_report_installation_problems)
                {
                        say("that is a hardware problem, not a 
software problem");
                        
if(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
                        {
                                ignore(customer);
                                order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, 
"Keep an eye on this bastard");
                        }
                }

                if (there_is_another_company)
                {
                        steal(their_ideas);
                        accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
                        hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
                        
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
                        buy_out(other_company);
                }
        }

        /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all 
angry
at us */
        order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
        buy(nice_little_island);
        hire(harem);
        laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version
);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
        charge(a_lot_of_money);
        if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
                say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
        if (still_complaints)
        {
                ignore(customer);
                register(customer, big_Bill_book);
                /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/ }
        }
}

Code (markup):

 

lol, very funny

 

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

Guy starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this.
Guy: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE.

 

What type of bees make milk?




Boo-bees

 

I find this funny
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kYvZnTFpip0

 

Hello Shaun 12345

Tu sais ce que c'est un grain de beauté sur la fesse d' une secrétaire? une tumeur au cerveau.

C'est pas drole mais comme t' as pas l' air très occupé, ça t' occuperas cinq minutes de traduire

 

"Look What people do for $50"

 

check out my post in this thread

http://forums.digitalpoint.com/showthread.php?t=453131

 

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair,
eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says:
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know" she replies

"I'm gonna get big tits too."

 

Check this out

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=13907955

 

Laugh then..........

 

Oh man that is Hilarious!

 

now the reply our "troubled user" got from the "tech support":

 

Good ones!!