Great updates guys. Let me put one more: Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
He he he Good ones... Here is one from my Blog A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, “Mam, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.†“I have a better idea,†she replied. “Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?†“Wow!!!!!! That’s a great idea!! What should we do???????†he is excited. And she said…………………….. “Then get up and take it yourselfâ€!!
lol good one, heres another: Little Boy Jimmy Was at his grandparents house, He goes over to his grandmother and says: "Can you show me a magic trick?" She Replies "no but your grandfather can" Jimmy goes to his grandfather and sits on his lap he says "grandpa show me a magic trick" He replies "ok, can you feel my finger poking up your bum" Jimmy says yes Grandpa lifts up his hands "Look" he says "no hands!"
A pacific cruise ship sinks and there are only 3 survivors. David, Darren and Daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over it and again nature takes its course. After a couple of years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing, so they bury her. ____________________________________________________________ Elton John goes to a tattooist and asks for a tattoo on his Dick. the tattooist replies what do you want. Elton replies a car Tattooist says which one a porsche Ferrari etc Elton replies better make it a 4 wheel drive its got a lotta sh*t to go through. _______________________________________________________________ An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." ______________________________________________________________ Heard about the gay carpenter? When he's finished he always leaves a saw behind. _________________________________________________________________ Did you hear about the short sighted circumciser? He got the sack. ________________________________________________________________ A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes". *note to US peeps, fannie means pussy here in the UK, not ass. ________________________________________________________________ A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... its Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing." Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And my trousers?" "OK" At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way." "OK dear, whatever makes you happy!" So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts: "Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!! ____________________________________________________________ There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"
Three little old women - Mavis, Maude and Tilly decide to visit the park one day. As they're sitting there feeding the pigeons, a man in a trenchcoat appears from out of nowhere, opens his trenchcoat and flashes them. Mavis immediatly had a stroke. Then Maude had a stroke. But Tilly, being the oldest and feeblest of the three, couldn't reach that far. vanessa.
Wow some great jokes there guys. keep put more jokes here. I will put mine: A senior in high school was failing his math class which meant he would be inelligible to play in the championship game. The student, the coach, and the principal all put pressure on the math teacher until he folded. "All right!" he snapped. "I'll ask just one question. If your boy can get it right, I'll give him a passing grade. What is five plus five?" "Ten," said the young athlete after a moment or two. And the coach cried, "Please give him one more chance!"
Des vs. Pardes 1. Mother-in law: In Des - A women capable of making your life miserable. In Pardes - A women you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free? 2. Husband: In Des - A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings. In Pardes - Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed. 3. Friend: In Des - A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome. In Pardes - A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy. 4. Wife: In Des - A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower. In Pardes - A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath. 5. Son: In Des - A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market. In Pardes - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn. 6. Daughter: In Des - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is about to leave. In Pardes - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time. 8. Father: In Des - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed. In Pardes - A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition. 9. Desi Engineer: In Des - A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai. In Pardes - A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich. 10. Desi Doctor: In Des - A respectable person with ok income. In Pardes - A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor ki biwi" 11. Bhangra: In Des - A vigorous punjabi festival dance. In Pardes - A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance. 12. Software Engineer: In Des - A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue consulate visa line. In Pardes - The same hitech guy, who does Ganapati puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever)' every year. 13. A Green Card holder bachelor: In Des - the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there. In Pardes - the guy can't speak English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW.
Nice updates Jimmy. Let me add mine one: There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Some more updates from me 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!
Good stuff folks - here's one for you _________________________________________________________ Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation." He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had. The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy. On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?" Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" "What? Why not?" Asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!" "What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe "I'm an ex-tractor fan"
Ole & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from me Genie." "You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole. "Could I see him?" So Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes, I will," says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Nice update Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs' game played by gentlemen; soccer - a gentleman's game played by thugs; and Gaelic football - a thugs' game played by thugs! ------------------------- Once there was a conductor, of a bus, who was very rude to his passengers. One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with the conductor and gave him capital punishment, i.e. to be electrocuted. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took a look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and came under the bus. He also died on the spot. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high current was given to him. This time he died instantly. The question is why didn't he die the first two time but died instantly the third time?? The answer is given below .... but try to solve it yourselves. This is very interesting and the answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle twice. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Answer : During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a Good Conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!