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Is this a good headline and sub-headline…

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by imiconcepts, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. #1
    Hi Guys,

    This is for a weight loss product for women, I would like your opinion or suggestions on what you think about this headline and sub-headlines:

    I Felt Old, Fat and Depressed

    “Afraid My Husband Would Leave Me for a
    Skinner, More Attractive Woman…”

    Read This Special Report To Discover How I Went from Worrying About My and My Marriage Ending… To Getting a Slim, Slender Body That My Hubby Just Loves!
    SEMrush

    Thanks in advance!
     
    imiconcepts, Jan 4, 2019 IP
    SEMrush
  2. Spoiltdiva

    Spoiltdiva Prominent Member

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    #2
    First off finish editing and fix this glaring omission. Next eliminate the word special as it will be up to the reader to determine that. Also eliminate where you started with the word guys. After all, don't you want women to read this too?
     
    Spoiltdiva, Jan 4, 2019 IP
  3. OpenScribes

    OpenScribes Active Member

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    #3
    'Skinner', by which I assume you mean skinnier, may have negative connotations among many audiences.
     
    OpenScribes, Jan 4, 2019 IP
  4. imiconcepts

    imiconcepts Active Member

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    #4
    What word would you suggested I use in place of the word 'skinnnier'?
     
    imiconcepts, Jan 4, 2019 IP
  5. mmerlinn

    mmerlinn Notable Member

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    #5
    Well, you could go with the synonym "less fatter" but I doubt that would be an improvement.
     
    mmerlinn, Jan 4, 2019 IP
  6. qwikad.com

    qwikad.com Illustrious Member Affiliate Manager

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    #6
    Just use fit.
     
    qwikad.com, Jan 5, 2019 IP
  7. JerryNoTom

    JerryNoTom Peon

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    #7
    Just eliminate that part with skinnier
     
    JerryNoTom, Jan 8, 2019 IP
  8. webbp0int

    webbp0int Peon

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    #8
    try to write not about weight but health, same article different approach ;)
     
    webbp0int, May 6, 2019 IP
  9. RobertRay

    RobertRay Peon

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    #9
    I think the title is too depressive for woman. But the rest is okay.
     
    RobertRay, May 13, 2019 IP
  10. c4cyber

    c4cyber Well-Known Member

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    #10
    My take
    //**********************************
    I feel FAT, UGLY, and DEPRESSED
    I'm afraid my husband would leave me for a more attractive, slim woman.
    Read this special report to discover how I went from being fat, and getting my marriage end to getting a sexy and slim body that my hubby just loves.
    //**********************************
    Almost 90% of modern woman feel ugly inside. That's why they wear lots of makeup.
    If you don't agree with me. Do research.
    Even beautiful celebrities go under knives because they don't feel beautiful enough.
    Every girl wants a body like "Victoria Secret Model".
    Girls are more obsessed with their bodies than man.

    women want a body like a model, more specifically a body like a victoria secret model
    I used UGLY because that's how they feel inside... and would buy any product to make them beautiful.
     
    c4cyber, May 13, 2019 IP
  11. TREYC

    TREYC Active Member

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    #11
    Could be too harsh for some.. but sometimes you've got to kick potential customers in the groin w/ some truth
     
    TREYC, May 13, 2019 IP
  12. p0werB0

    p0werB0 Peon

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    #12
    just 'lost weight' would simply do
     
    p0werB0, May 15, 2019 IP
  13. mmerlinn

    mmerlinn Notable Member

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    #13
    So, you think using 'lost weight' as shown below is an improvement over the original? I think you need to rethink your answer because your answer is WORSE than the original.

    “Afraid My Husband Would Leave Me for a
    lost weight, More Attractive Woman…”
     
    mmerlinn, May 16, 2019 IP
  14. p0werB0

    p0werB0 Peon

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    #14
    damn good point, I dont know what I was thinking writing this :D just write it like this:

    Afraid My Husband Would Leave Me for More Attractive Woman

    mmerlinn do you agree?
     
    p0werB0, May 23, 2019 IP
    mmerlinn likes this.
  15. JEET

    JEET Well-Known Member

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    #15
    Really bro, reading that headline did nothing...

    I find following kind of headlines more appealing:

    > Want to lose 30 pound in just 3 months?
    Read this 20 page report!

    > Want to fit into your pre-pregnancy clothes again?
    Read this report, and get back into that favourite dress!

    > Afraid that your husband is seeing someone else behind your back because you are over-weight?
    Read this report to change your life!

    Something on those lines...
    Thanks
     
    JEET, May 24, 2019 IP
  16. DMAccounts

    DMAccounts Peon

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    #16
    Just write, more attractive woman, rather than saying " Less fatter" or "lost weight"
     
    DMAccounts, Jul 21, 2019 IP
  17. digitalbrunette

    digitalbrunette Greenhorn

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    #17
    I LOVE these @JEET - Where has this forum been all my life lol?
     
    digitalbrunette, Aug 24, 2019 IP