I have written a press release for a product I am planning on launching later this year. I am no writer, nor do I have much experience in it. I was wondering if someone could review my press release? Give me some pointers to improve on? What is good about it? Etc Etc. Thanks!
reads a bit 'clunky' to me. Especially phrases like 'improving the efficiency, student satisfaction and data management.' Improving the efficiency of what? The efficiency of student satisfaction? of Data management? Or did you mean 'improving booking efficiency'??? Basically, if you read it out aloud to yourself, you will pretty soon realise where the problems are. Sometimes it can be grammatically correct and STILL scan awkwardly.
This is exactly my main problem. I have a habit of reading what I think I see rather than what is actually there. I find without thinking I scan the keywords in a sentence and they have a good guess what its about. Its the same reason that when I read a book its still like reading a different story the 5th time round. I was meaning by "improving the efficiency" that it will mean the instructor can spend more of their time teaching, rather than listening to voicemails, calling back people, having a scruffy diary, loosing diary, forgetting about lessons because they are so hard to read in diary you dont see them etc. Generally meaning that the instructor can instruct rather than doing all of the tasks the system will cover for them. Do you have a better way of describing this?
I don't think you read my comment ... the key is to read it out aloud. When you read it out aloud, you can't cheat, skip ahead etc. Don't panic though, it's better than about 90% of the stuff out there.
I have read through it now and tried to make amendments to the best of my ability. Can I have some further comments please?