1. Advertising
    y u no do it?

    Advertising (learn more)

    Advertise virtually anything here, with CPM banner ads, CPM email ads and CPC contextual links. You can target relevant areas of the site and show ads based on geographical location of the user if you wish.

    Starts at just $1 per CPM or $0.10 per CPC.

How Many Points, Out of Five, Would You Give This Article?

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by Kenya Writer, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. #1
    I feel like I have improved in writing - at least just a little bit. I took @sarahk advise, and it has helped, to say the least. I wrote an article about fashion, and it was published online. The client might have made a few changes - not sure - but I would like you to take a few minutes, read it, and give me a feedback.

    http://www.fashionindustrynetwork.c...-now-did-you-know-the-sexy-1970s-are-making-a

    What rate would you give this article? Of course, the rate should be out of five. I am a Kenyan; English is my second language.
    SEMrush
    Thank you for your time.
     
    Kenya Writer, Jun 2, 2016 IP
    SEMrush
  2. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

    Messages:
    25,387
    Likes Received:
    3,493
    Best Answers:
    101
    Trophy Points:
    665
    #2
    Definitely an improvement but I suspect it's still a bit forced. You are trying to be chatty and it's not quite working. Lets start at the top.

    upload_2016-6-3_19-32-30.png

    I'd have said "Fashion Then and Now, The Sexy '70s are making a Comeback" - except that you don't really prove that in your article. Sexy '70s flows better than Sexy 1970s, I reckon.

    No self-respecting author would use a lower case "s" to start their surname and is the one of the first things that trigger a suspicion of a fraudulent profile on a website (including this one). People wondering why you are lying isn't a good way to start.

    I don't know about African fashion but it's fascinating looking back at Elizabethan and Victorian fashion, at the politics and the social mores of the day and how they shaped the styles and colours of fashion for both men and women. The 20s were amazing, every decade had it's moment.

    I don't think you can really say that "all of us are definitely investing in improved fashion" or maybe I'm not sure what the point is that you are trying to make.

    Your headline emphasises the 70s but in this paragraph we've turned our focus to the 60s.
    I'd avoid biblical references, always tricky to assume everyone is religious, or believes in creationism.
    I doubt anyone who lives outside the southern states of the US would use the term "youngster", makes me think of Little House on the Prairie and some old grandpa with a double-barrelled shotgun.
    Never start a sentence with Actually (or because or however)

    should be "garnered an interest" and "started wearing what they liked".
    What is a "traditional conservations"?
    I would suggest that even in the '70s there were definite rules

    About the only constant in fashion is change. If they can't be selling you something new they'll all go out of business.
    Did people really lose interest in wearing whatever they wanted? What does that mean? People wanted direction? wanted trends? weren't intellectually capable of dressing themselves?
    Ummm, where are you hanging out?
    I thought they weren't wearing whatever they wanted anymore? This whole paragraph is badly worded and I'm not sure what you are trying to tell the reader so I can't even suggest alternate wording.
    I get that this is the wrap up paragraph but it doesn't read well and it just makes me want to go "Well, d'uh!".

    So, compared with the first bit of your writing that I saw this is a marked improvement but you still have a lot of work to do. I suspect some of this is because culturally the way conversations flow in African cultures is very different to the US and UK (your target markets, right?). That's not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. I haven't been to Africa yet but I do know that when I travel people in different cultures have very different ways of greeting each other and talking about everyday things. You go to Turkey, for instance, and people will quickly tell you that you are part of the family now. That puts Westerners on edge because being admitted to someone's family is a really big deal and why is this person pretending to bestow this huge honour on them and you are automatically on guard for a scam.

    Keep working on your writing, and I'd love to see more of your work.
     
    sarahk, Jun 3, 2016 IP
  3. Kenya Writer

    Kenya Writer Active Member

    Messages:
    196
    Likes Received:
    44
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    68
    #3
    Because the review came directly from the mouth and heart of a Native English Speaker, I believe I'm on the right track. I will push on until I get better.

    Thank you so much, @sarahk.
     
    Kenya Writer, Jun 3, 2016 IP
  4. Evan D

    Evan D Member

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    3
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Digital Goods:
    2
    Articles:
    4
    #4
    This is totally NOT an area of interest for me, but I agree with SarahK in that is feels really forced.

    It doesn't feel like natural or even remotely passionate writing.

    I'm also lost as to what the actual POINT of the article actually is... seems like it might be just to rank keywords... maybe?

    Always have a call to action, something to buy, something to click, even just to leave a comment and start a discussion.
     
    Evan D, Jun 8, 2016 IP
  5. Kenya Writer

    Kenya Writer Active Member

    Messages:
    196
    Likes Received:
    44
    Best Answers:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    68
    #5
    @Evan D, thank you for getting back. Fashion is not my area of writing. I had to drop the niche eventually. Of course, I agree it was a little forced, but you really did not answer the main question in the thread. If you have read my previous article, you will notice that I am talking about grammar to be precise. I agree with you nonetheless, much more because fashion writing is not my area of interest, not anymore.

    Thanks,
    Michael
     
    Kenya Writer, Jun 17, 2016 IP