Hi, Am looking for feedback on my copy. Rate it 1 to 10 (with 10 being excellent). Provide feedback as well if you can. This copy isn't your normal Internet Marketing or make money stuff, but rather copy for end tables! While I did use an AIDA type approach, I decided to overlay a story into it... I'm curious to see how you feel about it. The copy is here: http://www.highrollertoys.com/unique-end-tables-marine-accent-p-33.html Thanks
I read the last few paragraphs of your copy. And here's what I have to say: 1. "Acquire these fine tables for your own today. Click the red button below to order. Don’t delay. Make sure you’re one of the lucky 5." - the call to action is weak. You can improve it by altering the sentence structure to make them crisp and effective. 2. "Side note: As the business meeting at my friends mansion concluded and I was walking out the door..." - this is pretty cheesy. And the dialogue sounds unrealistic. 3. "claim ownership to the two finest end tables you’ll ever own. And get ready to enjoy the increased prestige and satisfaction..." - tell them instead why they are the finest end tables instead of simply spelling it out. It would also help if you told them how it will bring prestige and satisfaction to their lives. Does it fill in a need? I hope that helps.
It's too fragmented and a bit too long. Maybe string it together to a few paragraphs and cut it down a bit. Unnecessary. If they can't figure that out, i am sure they won't have the bucks to buy the table.
I would say it was much too long. I read a few paragraphs, then scrolled down to see how much more there was, and I was immediately put off by the swathes of text still to go. Normally I wouldn’t have read any further, and I hadn’t even got to the main point. I would cut the “story†right down to a few sentences, and get on to the important stuff much more quickly. What’s actually interesting about the tables is the way that they’re made, and how unique the design is, not your story. I would take out all the hyperbole. A side table “drawing you into the room†and “enthralling†you? A “clique of secretly whispered about highly skilled artisans� It's a bit over the top. And how can the charm of a table be invisible? Surely the whole point of a nice table is that the charm is visible? You make it sound like you’re at best exaggerating, and at worst just making this stuff up. (Which I guess you are, but you don't want it to be so obvious.) I think simplifying the style would really improve it. For example, why not just say these tables are talking points, instead of “rendering silence obsolete� If you made the style more straightforward and honest, you’d sound more honest and people would be more likely to believe these tables were great.
Hi Brian, I think you've got some great stuff going on there. You've certainly got loads of personality when you write -- and that is a great thing. Do you keep a blog? You'd be great at blogging -- everyone would want to read your blog! This part for example: What do a mansion, San Francisco Bay Area artisans, rooms that “speakâ€, and marine life have in common? Keep reading to find out. I think is very unique, but it just has too many commas my friend. It needs to be organized a bit to read more smoothly. Maybe have three things for people to wonder about -- not five. That being said, I think you have a lovely creative style, keep writing and just tighten it up a bit. Take out the excess. Abby
Headline is OK. The lead sucks (sorry). If I was reading this for me I would have left at "Keep reading to find out." The lead is supposed to draw the ready into the rest of the document, and yours does not. You need more proof that these are great. "signed and hallmarked for authenticity". Signed by who and what does that bring me. Stroke my ego. You have a lot of facts and details. No benefits. Again, stroke my ego and tell me why I have to have these. Write to the 7 deadly sins (lust, greed, laziness {sloth} envy, pride and 2 others that don't come to mind). Will I be the envy of my friends? Will this help me be lazy? Will they increase dramatically in value?
I understand what you're trying to do and I agree with Espresso Chick, that you'd make a great blogger. I also like the way you've broken up your text. The problem I have is that the writing is so over the top that it quickly stops feeling like a wink and starts feeling like someone told one of those two AM informercial guys that they had to fill a certain amount of time or they wouldn't get paid. Your relevant information gets lost in all of the extra ruffles. It's a good try though!
It is rather long (I know I can't point the finger!) but it is worded quite nicely overall. I did notice a few things I'd change, but you have a lot of skills to work with there! Good job
2 - The design was so ugly I could not focus on the text. Text was too long. Hated the article, content and formating. A big fail imo. Looks and sounds cheap.
well since there are a lot of reviews made above I guess I'll just comment on a random mistake. "But Hurry: Only a Few Remain" This sentence is not bombarding and flattering, you can change it to sentence like ' first come first serve, hurry while stock last! ' or ' This once in a century offer couldn't last long enough for you to consider, get it now!'
Here's my 2 cents worth. Guess it will echo some of the comments the rest have already made. 1. The left black against red is not the most pleasing to look at and read from. 2. Spacing between lines seems to be a tiny bit too long. 3. Your paragraphs are too short. Meaning should consolidate more. 4. The whole thing is just too long for a good read. cheers.