I got this by email today A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." - Jimmy Carr at the ICC Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? - Adam Bloom at the Pleasance I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. - Jimmy Carr at the ICC The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. - Jeremy Limb, at the Trap Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. - Jimmy Carr I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ... - Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. - Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. - Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. - Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. - Scott Capurro at the Pleasance A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". - Steven Alan Green at C34 I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" - Norman Lovett at The Stand It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. - Milton Jones at the Underbelly I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" - Arnold Brown at The Stand.
some very funny ones! Heres some more: I had a helicopter once...but had no place to park it. So I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. The Day Microsoft Makes a Product That Doesn't Suck is the Day They Make a Vacuum Cleaner! Life's journey is not to arrive to the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "holy shit....what a ride!! You only ever need 2 tools - duct tape and WD-40 If something moves and it shouldnt - use duct tape If something doesnt move and it should - use WD-40 A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun" and my favorite: Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but no one feels the warmth like you do.
If you're in a jail, a good friend will come and bail you out of the jail....but a true friend will come to you...sit along with you and will ask Mate, do you have a cigarette