I thought I might post a few different snippets from Comedians in here... Blue Collar Comedy -> Bill Engvall I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say I'm stupid. That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind" "I didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California our house was full of boxes and there was a u-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?" "Nope." "We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes it takes." "Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, yall catch all them fish?" Nope. "Talked 'em into giving up." "Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well allright....hold my sign, I don't wanna loose it" Last time I was home I was driving around I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas statioons, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, I swear to GOD he went, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said "Nope". "No I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me." And without skipping a beat he says "Yep, the hot weather will do that". "Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy come over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Damn thats hot!" See... If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. For those wondering, this is off the "Here's your sign album".. I haven't seen it available in Australia but I'm sure you can get it in the US. Have a listen if you haven't already
Blue Collar Comedy -> Ron White I was sitting on a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos the other day... when Robert Tilton came on TV. He's a televangelist out of Dallas. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh?" (slightly worried) This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos?"... (in a high-pitched voice) Yes, sir?? "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" (with a sense of relief) Ha, ha close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second; apparently I'm not the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos."
Just a little snippet from Robin Williams greatest comedy where he is talking about Golf.... Robin Williams - Live On Broadway And only they could invent a sport like golf. Here's my idea for a f***ing sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole. - Like pool? - F*** off pool. Not with a straight stick, with a little f***ed up stick. I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole. - Oh, you mean like croquet? - F*** croquet! I put the hole hundreds of yards away. Oh, f*** of ya ! Big fun, yeah! - Oh, like a bowling thing? - F*** no! Not straight. I put s*** in the way. Like trees and bushes and high grass. So you can lose you f***ing ball. And go hacking away with a f***ing tire iron. Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you'll have a stroke. f*** that's what we'll call it, a stroke, cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna f***ing die. Oh great, oh and here's the better part. F***, this is brilliant! Right near the end, I'll put a little flat piece with a little flag to give you f***ing hope. But then I'll put a little pool and a sand box, to f*** with your ball again. Ay, you'll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the sand. - And you do this one time? - f*** no! 18 f***ing times! That's my idea of a sport! The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. Even a gay blind man would go: "Oh, dear Christ!" "Those are loud. This is no carnival. What a f*** are you on?" Even the alligators are going: "Asshole!" It's such an athletic sport: whack the ball, get in the car. Whack the ball, get in the car. And the commentary's electrifying. Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going. Third hole. Could people be quiet, I'd like to hear the grass grow. I'd like the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. The ball is ready. Hole! Just to see al those waspy mother f***ers going: "Oh, dear Christ!" "My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh, s***!" What a hell we gonna do? That was their last domain of dominance. It was their area. They were the kings. Up until Tiger! Son of a black man and a Thai woman. Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up! Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration. Crouching Potter. And than he goes to the British Open, and he plays at Saint Andrews, who the f***ing invented the sport. And after the forth round, he's 18 under par. And there's only 18 f***ing holes. And all the old men going: "My God, we're doomed!" "How did he learn to play? We wouldn't have let him join." And they start having nightmares of golf carts going... Yo, yo, yo I'm playing through Whether you're gentile or a Jew Mother f***er!