I find my days in blue, so would you make me laugh? So give me some wholesome jokes. This Thread is not a JOKE.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Father: Dear son This time you have to gain at least 95% marks.. Son: No dad , I will gain 100% this time.. Father: ïŠ why r you making a joke.. Son: Who started first …..?????
Woman goes to the Doctor and explains that she and her husband are having some problems in the bedroom department - in particular, his complete lack of interest in sex. The Doctor tells her that her luck is in - "Here you go", he says, "These are new pills, just on the market, slip one into his coffee, and stand back!". Two days later, the woman comes into the surgery so fast, you could have lit a cigarette on the door hinges. "Hello Mrs. Davis", said the Doctor, "Did those pills help at all?" "Help", she said, "I put on in his wine before dinner, and before the end of the first course, he was across the table - there were cups and saucers in the air, wine up the walls and chicken chasseur in places chicken chasseur should not get!! It was MARVELLOUS!!" "Wow!", said the Doctor, "I am so glad they worked, and I am sorry about the mess" ... "Thats Ok", she replied, "We wont be eating in that resteraunt again!"
Newlywed couple arrive in their Hotel room for their first night together. The guy takes off his trousers and throws them at his new Wife - "Put them on" he shouts.. "What??" She replies - "Put them on now ... please", said the Husband. The wife complies, and the Husband says "Right - that is the first and last time you wear the trousers in this relationship". His wife scowles, then smiles - takes off the trousers, and removes her panties. She throws them at him, and says "Put those on!" "What", he says "I'll never get in those" - "I don't care", replies his wife "Put the bloody things on..." The guy puts on the panties, and once she has finished laughing, his wife says "Enjoy them - because until your attitude changes cocker, thats the only time you will be getting in my knickers"..
When I was a young boy, I took a part time job in a Chemist store. On my first day, there I was, all proud in my bright white overall, my name badge. In walk a lady, she came up to the counter and asked, "I don't suppose you sell tampons, do you?" I was only young, so embarrassed, my face flushed, sweat beaded on my head, and the Head Chemist came to my rescue and served the lady on my behalf. "You have to relax", he told me, "This is a Chemist, people do not get embarrassed about those things in here, take it easy will you!. A few days later, the same lady came back into the store. She wandered around for a while, then picked up a bag of cotton wool, and brought it over to the counter. "Oh", I said, casually, "Rolling your own now, are you?"
I have to be honest about these jokes - the master gag-teller, Mike Reid, is the inspiration ... he had a great way about telling an old joke in a new way... This is my favourite... I came home from work one day, and walked in to find my wife had purchased a home gym - it was sitting, in boxes, on the floor of the dining room, waiting for me to put it together... "What the hell is that for?" I asked, "And how much did it cost???" "It was only £150", she said "ONLY £150", I cried, "I work bloody hard to earn that money - what the hell do you need it for???" "IT'S TO MAKE MY BOOBS BIGGER", she shouted, "I read it in my magazine - if I exercise with this every day, it will improve my skeletal structure, improve muscular tone and firm up my boobs and make them bigger!!" "Rubbish", I said, "You don't need all this, love of my life, apple of my eye, pip in my cherry! All you need is toilet paper." "Toilet Paper?", she asked. "Yes", I said, "Just rub it between your breasts, and they will get bigger!" "Are you sure? They'll get bigger?", she said. "Of course!!!", I replied, "Look what its done for your arse!!"