Redneck Love One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!†Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!†Wal-Mart Announces House Brand Wine\ Wal-Mart announced today that they’ll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is strong market demand for cheap wine“, said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart’s marketing division. “However,†she added “Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty.†Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include: Chateau Traileur Parc White Trashfindel Peanut Noir I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar! Grape Expectations Nasti Spumante Big Red Gulp World Championship Riesling NASCARbernet Chef Boyardeaux Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart’s self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never. Ten Things You’ll Never Hear A Redneck Say 1. I thought Grace land was tacky. 2. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. 3. Do you think my hair is too big? 4. Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace? 5. The tires on that truck are too big. 6. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. 7. Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? 8. Damned if that politician isn’t honest! 9. We’re vegetarians. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. 10. You can’t feed that to the dog. Things You’ll Never Catch A Redneck Saying You won’t ever hear a redneck say things like… I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Duct tape won’t fix that. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can’t feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe. Wrestling’s fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We’re vegetarians. Do you think my gut is too big? I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, we don’t need another dog. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Checkmate. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw†that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. You ALL. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’ tonight. Redneck Medical Dictionary Artery- The study of paintings. Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria. Barium- What doctors do when patients die. Benign- What you be after you be eight. Catscan- Searching for Kitty. Cauterize- Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section- A neighborhood in Rome. Colic- A sheep dog. Coma- A punctuation mark. D&C- Where Washington is. Dilate- To live long. Enema- Not a friend. Fester- Quicker than someone else. Fibula- A small lie. Genital Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series- World Series of military baseball. Hangnail- What you hang your coat on. Impotent Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain- Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff- A Doctor’s cane. Morbid- A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates- Cheaper than day rates. Node- I knew it. Outpatient- A person who has fainted. Ovaries- You get to try again. (from wj1001250) Pap Smear- A fatherhood test. Pelvis- Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative- A letter carrier. Recovery Room- Place to do upholstery. Rectum- Pretty near killed him. Secretion- Hiding something. Seizure- Roman emperor. Tablet- A small table. Terminal Illness- Getting sick at the airport. Tumor- More than one. Urine-Opposite of you’re out. Varicose- Near by/close by.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."
This woman's unfaithful husband died.. At his funeral, the preacher said "Always talk good about the dead".. His wife stood up and said " He's dead- Good!!"
Hehehehehe Very intresting. I love it. I have also a joke. One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important." Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
Penguin Delivery A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus. An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over. The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?" "Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
April Fool's Pranks One prank I learned from a teacher is this: use duck tape and tape it where the water comes out of the faucet. You want a little open space just at the front, so that the water will squirt out into the person's face.... Buy a pack of Oreos, lick out the filling and refill them with toothpaste. Did this back in 8th grade and had people grabbing for them like crazy...then running to the trash cans. Then there were the idiots that went "Ooh. Minty." lol If you have enough time, I'd try some chocolate covered garlic, play it off as chocolate covered nuts. Although, if she has a weak stomach, I don't recommend it. she has a desk in her room with a full drawer, cut a piece of cardboard the size of the drawer, pull the drawer out, put the cardboard on top and flip it over, then put it back in upside down, when she opens it her drawer will spill out. If you have one of those sprayers on your kitchen sink, put a rubber band around the thing you squeeze to make it spray, when she turns on the faucet it will spray her. I have a bunch of others, but, they are mostly for adults that drive and such. This one is my favorite, get a wire coat hanger, unbend it, so you can open it up, slip a roll of toilet paper on it, then attach it just under the back bumper of a car, or on the trailer hitch if there is one, loosen the first sheet, wait till they go somewhere, the entire roll will roll out behind them as they pick up speed!