Confucius is wise, in fact we’d be much wiser taking his advice. Below are the top 15 Confucius sayings, otherwise known as his famous analects. While there are literally hundreds or thousands of them, most probably made up - we’ve picked our favorites. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk. War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. Man who run behind car get exhausted. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers. Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house. Man who farts in church sits in his own pew. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons. Elevator smell different to midget. Those who quote me are fools. Confucius say too damn much. Oh man these are good. Thanks to all our readers who sent in jokes for us to post, we’ve been saving these shorties up until we had enough to post a few at once. Bon appetite! PS - if you trash these like you did the last time… I’ll… I’ll… post some more! Don’t tempt me! Q: Why did the dog cross the road? A: To get away from Michael Vick, of course! Q: Why are Mexicans so bad at the Olympics? A: Because anyone who can run, swim or jump is already in the United States! Q: Why did the fish get kicked out of school? A: He was caught with seaweed! (Ok, that’s lame) Q: What’s the longest sentence known to man? A: I Do. Random: I got in a fight with my wife last night… and it was totally my fault. She asked me what was on the TV and i said… dust. Didn’t go so well after that. A Shortie: Osama bin Laden wanted to start a new Suicide Bomber’s Training Academy, but for some reason was unable to find qualified instructors with any field experience. A Random Thought: Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? Another Random Thought: So if crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime? Is this blog a crime?
Ok, so we’ve pretty much beat the Redneck Jokes all to hell, so how about something alittle bit different - yet with a similar flavor (kinda like how everything tastes like chicken). So, just in case you weren’t sure, you might be from the South if… You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You use a rag for a gas cap on your pickup truck (or car). You’ve ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. I Love You. Three magical words that lead to many great, and not so great, moments in life. In case you were wondering, a user submitted his version of â€I LOVE YOU†in a variety of languages. English………..I Love You Spanish………. Te Amo French……….. Je T’aime German………. Ich Liebe Dich Japanese……. Ai Shite Imasu Italian………. Ti Amo Chinese……… Wo Ai Ni Swedish…….. Jag Alskar Dig Eskimo………. Nagligivaget Greek………… S’Agapo Hawaiian……. Aloha Wau la Oe Irish…………. Thaim In Grabh Leat Hebrew……… Ani Ohev Otakh Russian…….. Ya Lyublyu Tyebya Albanian……. Une Te Dua Finnish……… Mina Rakkastan Sinua Turkish…….. Seni Seviyorum Hungarian…… Se Ret Lay Persian……. Du Stet Daram Maltese……. Jien Inhobbok Catalan…… Testimo Molt American…. Nice Tits A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,†she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?†“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,†he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.†“That’s amazing,†the woman said. “How old are you?’ “Twenty-six!†he said.
Ok, so we’ve pretty much beat the Redneck Jokes all to hell, so how about something alittle bit different - yet with a similar flavor (kinda like how everything tastes like chicken). So, just in case you weren’t sure, you might be from the South if… You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You use a rag for a gas cap on your pickup truck (or car). You’ve ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. I Love You. Three magical words that lead to many great, and not so great, moments in life. In case you were wondering, a user submitted his version of â€I LOVE YOU†in a variety of languages. English………..I Love You Spanish………. Te Amo French……….. Je T’aime German………. Ich Liebe Dich Japanese……. Ai Shite Imasu Italian………. Ti Amo Chinese……… Wo Ai Ni Swedish…….. Jag Alskar Dig Eskimo………. Nagligivaget Greek………… S’Agapo Hawaiian……. Aloha Wau la Oe Irish…………. Thaim In Grabh Leat Hebrew……… Ani Ohev Otakh Russian…….. Ya Lyublyu Tyebya Albanian……. Une Te Dua Finnish……… Mina Rakkastan Sinua Turkish…….. Seni Seviyorum Hungarian…… Se Ret Lay Persian……. Du Stet Daram Maltese……. Jien Inhobbok Catalan…… Testimo Molt American…. Nice Tits A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,†she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?†“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,†he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.†“That’s amazing,†the woman said. “How old are you?’ “Twenty-six!†he said.
Quacking Up A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.†The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!†Blue Collar Comedy What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? “Hey, y’all… Watch this!†Who’s Counting? How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That’s one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out. Dog Gone Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers? A: They have two left feet. What’s wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else seems to think that they’re jokes. Bada-Bing Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?†That’s A Big Bulb Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. Corny Wedding Joke Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding terrible but the reception was terrific. Love That Music What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your truck back… Junior asks his dad, “Daddy, how was I born?†His dad sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: “You’ve Got Male!†For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.†In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash every day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation†warning light. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?†before deploying. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. You’d have to press the “Start†button to turn the engine off.†Art Fart It’s such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas. Arrogant Fart When you think your farts don’t stink. Assault Fart A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse. Tire Fart You can’t control the blow out. Beer Fart These come out of every ‘can’ and smell like warm beer. Jail Fart Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape. Donkey Fart Your ass is the only one that can do it. Ghost Fart You can’t hear it, you can’t see it and you can’t smell it either. Home Alone Fart When you’re home alone and a great one is wasted on no one. Shoe Fart When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes. Tank Fart When you refer to your farts as ‘gas’. Old Fart You know how old it is by how bad it smells. Brain Fart You need to fart, but nothing comes out. Alzheimer Fart A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp. Not-Me Fart When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper “PIG!†U.F.O. Fart When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a “Unidentified Foul Odorâ€. Los Angeles Math Test City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam Name: _______________________ Gang: _______________________ 1. Dwayne has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn’t cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMW’s and 3 4×4’s, how many Chevy’s will he have to steal to make $800? 6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money? 7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Ok, this is totally random. I’m going to post 10 random punchlines, I wonder if anyone out there can come up with a joke that’ll actually make sense with one of them? Post your comments! “No wait, you don’t understand,†said the fat man, “Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother’s love!†And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently. “Mommy Mommy,†Little Johnny replied, “is that why the soufflé is burnt?†“Tokyo?†Said the nun, “You fool, I said take the hoe!†“Whew!†said the blonde, “I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!†As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap! Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again! “Yeah,†said the Scottsman, “but at least I don’t have a scented hand soap named after ME!†As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled “EGG BEATER!†“Surprise! Surprise! That’s not my ear canal either!â€
Bumper Stickers All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body. Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it. Oh sure. But what’s the speed of dark? What’s another word for Thesaurus? Don’t miss today worrying about tomorrow. I think therefore we have nothing in common. With my life I could be on all of Oprah’s shows. Computers help us to do stupid things faster. Welcome to California. Now Go Home. Don’t Californicate Oregon. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom If you always take time to stop and smell the roses…sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets . Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home. 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t. Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. –Dorothy. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. I am not a bum - My wife works I am not unemployed I am a consultant I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? Don’t Start With Me. You Know How I Get. A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Humpty Dumpty didn’t fall…he was pushed. Life is a sexually transmitted disease. Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most! Are you stoned or just stupid? I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory If the music’s too loud you’re too old Subvert the Dominant Paradigm My karma ran over my dogma Chicken Little was Right! Born to Shop We’re Spending our Kids Inheritance If you’re rich, I’m single I want to die in my sleep like grandpa. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car! Montana - At least our cows are sane! According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist. Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
Bumper Stickers We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock. Procrastinators Unite!… Tomorrow Dyslexics Untie! I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. My reality check bounced Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Have The Body Of A God… Buddha! Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. When there’s a will, I want to be in it! Been There - Shit Happened Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! Visualize Whirled Peas Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can't tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared
Caught Sleeping At The Office? Excuses Here. So what do you do when your boss walks in and catches you asleep at your desk? You could freak out and get fired, or rattle off some really good excuses. The top 10 best things to say when getting caught asleep are: 10) â€They told me at the blood bank this might happen.†9) â€This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.†â€Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!†7) â€I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.†6) â€I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.†5) â€I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?†4) â€Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.†3) â€The coffee machine is broken…†2) â€Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot…†1) â€â€¦..in Jesus’ name, Amen.†Millions of Stars The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?†The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.†“What that tell you?†asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.†“Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.†“Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.†“Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.†“Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?†“You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole the tent.†25 Things You’ll Learn By The Time Your 50 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe “Daylight Saving Time.†3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip. 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. 11. There is a very fine line between “hobby†and “mental illness.†12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,†and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.†Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.†And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers. 14. Nobody is normal. 15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: - The universe is even bigger than they thought! - There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! - Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong. 16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: “meetings.†17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: - If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,†the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father. - If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. - If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world’s biggest dip. - And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it’s because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as “Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention,†I would quit my job to work for his campaign. 19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 20. You should not confuse your career with your life. 21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 24. Your friends love you anyway. 25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.