Free website - JokesandHumor.info

I'm bored so it's time for a little contest. I am giving away a complete website, domain, script, content and all. The website is

http://www.JokesandHumor.info/

The site runs on the Jokes script from EasySiteNetwork.com and comes with the domain registered for the next 10 months at Godaddy.com and all the content currently on the site.

To get the site all you have to do is tell the funniest joke in this thread. You can post as many jokes as you like. The competition will run for 1 week ending on Wednesday 16th July and I will pick the winner based on the joke that makes me laugh the most so keep posting until then.

Good luck and lets hear some good jokes.

 

Hey, this is the best joke, that i stored in my computer from a long time

 

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”

 

lol, thats a good one

 

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his tunnel of turds. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

 

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this … Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture …"

 

Ways girls turn fresh, pseudo-romantic guys down!!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

 

More ways girls turn fresh, pseudo-romantic guys down!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

 

Additional ways girls turn fresh, pseudo-romantic guys down!!!

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

 

Some more ways girls turn fresh, pseudo-romantic guys down!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

 

nice !

 

Just a few more ways girls turn fresh, pseudo-romantic guys down!!!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

 

A man walks into a bar on a cold and rainy day, just getting off work. He comes up to the bar and sits by a strange man staring at a bowl of Chili. The cold and wet man asks the stranger "Hey man I just got of work and kind of hungry, are you going to eat that Chili?" The man replies "Knock yourself out". So the man orders himself a cold beer, and starts to chow down on the warm Chili, it almost looks like the man is not breathing he is eating so fast, when he gets to the bottom of the bowl he finds that there is a dead rat in it laying there. The man is disgusted so he throws all of the chili he just ate back into the bowl. And then the stranger sitting next to him says " Yep that was about as far as I got to."

Dave

 

What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Getting her out of the wheelchair!

 

Hope I win! Here goes...

Two hunters wander out into the woods when all of a sudden, one of them collapses to the floor. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes glaze over. His hunter friend panics, takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a brief moments silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

 

A man wound up ship wrecked on a deserted island. The only survivors of the wreck (besides himself) was a sheep dog and a sheep.

After the days passed into months he began to look at the sheep with interest. He had heard that sex with sheep was good and since he had become so lonely he was starting to wonder about it.

So he decided that he would have a go at the ole sheep. The problem was that no matter how hard he tried that sheep dog would just about eat him up every time he got near that sheep. Day after day he plotted and schemed, but he was unable to get to the sheep.

One day, while he was sitting up against a tree looking and longing at the sheep he happened to look down toward the beach and notice wreckage washing ashore. Then he noticed a body laying in the water near the shore. He got up and headed down and as he got closer he thought it looked like a woman. "A woman!" he thought, "I hope she is still alive!"

He ran all the way to where she was laying and found that she was still alive. He pulled her out of the water and lifted her up into his arms and looked at her there. She was nearly naked and soaking wet.

She said "Oh sir! You have saved my life! How can I ever repay you! I will give you anything you want!"

He grinned and as he looked down at her he said "Anything?" She nodded.

He held her close and they walked up the hill and he took her behind some bushes. He held her close to him and whispered in her ear "You see that dog over there? Hold that son of a bitch down so I can get at that sheep"

Mwaaa haa haaa haaa

 

Ohhhhhhhh!

 

How do you make a baby stop crawling in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor...

 

What do you call a dog with no legs and a steel nutsack that likes to chase cars?

Sparky

What do you call a dog with no legs and a steel nutsack that's been left out in the rain?

Rusty