FREE website design for the best critique of my sales letter

Hi all,

I am offering free website design for the copywriter that provides the best review of my sales letter and ways to improve it.

The letter is destined to persuade small business to create websites:

 

Howdy there,

I'm not really interested in having web design done for free, so this piece of advice is as uninterested as it gets.

The problem is that you're using the wrong language. You are effectively entering the B2B arena and your words should reflect that. Cut the hype, use logical arguments and try to make the deal look like a genuinely beneficial business offer.

You need to use their language and their thinking patterns before you even have a shot at closing a sale.

Hope this helps.

Best regards,
George

 

Thanks George for the feedback! I am sure you have your own reasons for not wanting a website to help you grow your business.. But I am fine with that - you are probably doing well without it.

But why would a small business owner decline such offer which I think is fair and honest? I can't find an answer for that... they say that "Human stupidity knows no bounds" and that may explain why the failure rate for new businesses seems to be around 70% to 80% in the first year and only about half of those who survive the first year will remain in business the next five years.. And you know what? I don't even care, because I am sure to stumble upon the few smart business owners that succeed and know how to take advantage of an opportunity when it present itself.

Best Regards,

 

So you do have it! The language I mean. Take that paragraph I quoted and transform it into your lead. You need to grab your audience with substance not meaningless words. Hype does not sell to business owners, facts and carefully crafted persuasive strategies do.

 

Hi iThinkHard

Great letter! I made some suggestions. Good luck with your business.

I saved this as a Word document, I can email it to you if it is easier to read.

Abby

URGENT: Please hand this to the manager of <business name> – Highly time sensitive offer. (This is GREAT)
- - DO NOT throw it away as it will be VERY IMPORTANT to the person concerned, thank you. (This is repetitive – your 1st sentence already hits this point home nicely)

FROM: Hatem, The Owner of Spruce Web Studio – RisOrangis, France. (I would add an url for your business, maybe something about how long you’ve been in business or what you are known for (i.e. “exquisite web design for competitive prices”)

"We Are Currently (remove “currently” it is repetitive) Giving Small Business in Your Area (add “a”) Premium Custom-Designed Website Worth Up to $2000 for only (I would change “only” to “just”) $400. (Suggestion – compare this price to something. i.e. “For the price of web hosting for two years, your brick and mortar business can sell your products and services 24/7/365 days a year!”)

(add a space here)
--This Offer Expires on April 16, 2011 or Once We’re Fully Booked!" (bold “once we’re….”)


Dear Fellow Business Friend, (change “Friend” to “Owner”)

If you’ve thought about getting a website but have been putting it off, the time to act is NOW! (Question – are you ONLY sending this out to businesses that don’t have websites? It seems there could be a market for businesses that just don’t like their website design, but that’s my two cents/opinion here)

We’re a new (describe yourself – “hot, exclusive, boutique, popular” – use some adjectives here but not too many) design firm in France and would like to expand our portfolio; we are offering other small business in your area custom designed websites for only $400. (remove “to expand our portfolio” and put something about your EXPERIENCE. Why should owners put their business in your hands? Do you bring some expertise or passion to web design? Something to make you stand out from the crowd – make your need to expand your portfolio an opportunity that is appealing to them BECAUSE you offer something other than a great price……)

Here’s a deal that you’d be crazy to miss out on… (cut sentence to “You’d Just Be Crazy to Miss Out on This……”)

Get Your Premium Custom-designed Website worth Up To $2000 for only $400, and pay the entire sum upon delivery (bold “upon delivery”).

(put this sentence by itself with a headline) (add headline: “Now We KNOW You’re Crazy if You Ignore This…”) (bold sentence) If you don’t like it you don’t have to pay for it.

This is what we can offer you: (change: Here’s what Spruce Web Studio can do for your business website

• A premium custom-designed website look and feel to suite your business or organization, as per your specifications
• Stunning, Powerful, and Professional Web Pages to ATTRACT NEW CUSTOMERS and help you make more money! Up to 10 pages with images.
• Full support of a high-end web design firm but without the crazy price tag!
• Professional Domain Name of your choice for the first year – FREE.
• Hosting of your web site on our server for the first year – FREE.

You can (delete “you can” and just start with “save”) save thousands of dollars in design fees by taking us up on this LIMITED TIME (capitalize “offer”) offer. In fact, we encourage you to request quotes from various (change “various” to “other”) website design firms (add “big and small”). (bold this sentence)You’ll be utterly shocked at the unbelievably high prices they charge – guaranteed(make “guaranteed” in large capital letters)!

You’re probably thinking “Great, but what’s the catch?”

(bold these first 2 sentences) There is no catch. Really. We are a new web design firm and we want to build our portfolio by helping small business owners get the best possible websites at a very reasonable price. (Again, I would change the benefit to the limited time offer to have access to your great skills – to be included in the portfolio too) However (remove “however”) we're certain you'll enjoy your website so much that we hope you will recommend our services around you for the years to come. This is when we'll see some profit by charging new customers the regular starting price of $2000. (REMOVE this sentence, no one needs to know how you are going to change your prices or run your business!!!)

So really, the only catch is to us (bold this sentence ending with “us”) – We will be the ones putting in the hours to design your website. (how many hours do you usually put into a website? Would it make the letter more interesting to say how many?) (bold this next sentence “you are under no….”) You are under no obligation to pay for the website if you don’t like it, but we promise that we will do our best to deliver an awesome chef d'oeuvre (what is a “chef d’oeuvre?) that for sure will take your business to the next level.

Remember, we design your site, register your domain name (this is the first you mention registering the domain name too – may want to mention this benefit earlier on too…..) and set up your hosting - all for only $400. You only pay once you are fully happy with our work... we are certain that most of your competitors have their own websites earning them publicity 24/7 on the internet, and that’s how they can attract more customers and more money. If you are serious about your business, you have to get your site up and running as soon as possible regardless of who creates it. All this work takes up to 18 - 21 hours to complete and the usual billing rate for such quality work is around $90 per hour. (this sentence about how many hours and how much it costs, take this benefit and bring it up to that earlier paragraph and flesh out this benefit, just my 2 cents/opinion) We hope you can see value in this rare opportunity!


How to get started (change to “Okay, I’m ready. How do I get started?”)

First of all, please visit our website and look at our portfolio so you can see our work at:

spruce-ws.com (put this “visit our website” earlier in the letter so people can see your portfolio. Like in the 1st few paragraphs, good selling point)

Next, (remove “next” say “It’s easy….just”) send a message using the contact page to brief us about your project. We generally get in touch in less than 24 hours.


Next have a look at our FAQs page, which is attached towards the end of this letter. If you still have any unanswered questions, please free to contact us at anytime.

Here’s how you can immediately secure your premium custom-designed $400 website… (change to “Secure your Premium Custom Designed $2,000 Website Today for Just $400!”)

Contact us right away and ask for your spot to be booked. We’ll then email you the link where you can follow the work on your website, and we can get started to get your business in front of a huge online customer base. (remove ALL of these earlier sentences, unnecessary) (bold this sentence “but please….”) But please act today…because not surprisingly we are getting booked really fast and we simply cannot afford to run this offer for much longer.


Warmly,


Hatem Talebi
Owner, Spruce Web Studio
contact [at] spruce-ws.com
spruce-ws.com

P.S. We also offer SEO services. After we build your website we can provide GUARANTEED PAGE ONE ranking. You can (remove “you can”) start seeing results in as little as 14 days and we offer a (bold “30-day money back guarantee”) 30 day money back guarantee!

(add a space and put on different line) When someone searches <business name> how many more customers do you think you could get if your business showed up FIRST in the search results? (add “That’s what good SEO can do for your business – get you results and increased business.”)

P.P.S. If you’ve been waiting to get a website or aren’t sure if you need one the time to act is NOW. Contact us today so we can help you get the online presence you deserve at contact[at]spruce-ws.com The Internet is only getting bigger and you definitely don’t want to get left behind! (GREAT ending!!!!)

 

Hi.

I'd advocate some A/B testing. Try a few different styles of sales letter and see which ones work the best for you.

Often, it is a matter of finding the right words to engage your audience rather than hitting on time sensitive offers and the likes. I'd focus more on showing them the bottom line benefits to their business, presenting yourself as a solution that makes them money. If you can persuade business owners that your skills will monetize their site (and business) more efficiently than at present, you'll be onto a winner, I can assure you.

All the best,
Seb

 

Abigail, thanks for your reply and congratulations!! , you have earned yourself a premium and free website design

I am sorry for my late answer, but I have been overloaded with work.

Please find the website at this url spruce-ws.com/AbigailBeal

if you like the website, you can PM me to let you know how to install the website on your web server.
again, thank you for taking the time to review my letter.

Hatem