first I am neither of the two but I am able to meet them face to face so I want to get some advice from what you guys think they should do OR I should suggest them. Please read them all. It's a serious issue in the family. Son is 22 year-old, unemployed and haven't finish Grade 12. He didn't go to school the last 2 years and stayed at home. He helps his father sometimes with his job because his father's job is a commercial cleaning service which is freely possible to bring anyone other people to work. Now son is starting to go to school again at Yorkdale (adult school). He started on last week Monday. Father is 50 year-old, employed now doing a commercial cleaning business. He was a doctor back in country where he came from 8 years ago. Couldn't get doctor job here and applied for a pharmacist but due to the inguries he got a few years ago (arm got burned) and the family arrived to his place, he gave up to study pharmacy and do cleaning business knowing that his wife will be able to help him with the work since his wife has difficulties speaking English. So they are the regular worker. Now since son doesn't work, father asks son to do school and work together. Son is dropping a subject at school cuz he thinks he doesn't need it (morning class). So his school is now 10am - 3pm. Today he skipps the classes. Mom asks son to help with some of the work but son refuses and reasoned that he's busy but he's watching downloaded episodes of Prison Break on his computer. By the way, since we helps only from 9pm - 11pm (not even everyday) only sometimes. Father doesn't pay him regularly like his worker. The average he pays him in a month is about $50 - $100 because he smokes, gets drunk, and use other stuff he shouldn't. Father doesn't want him to do that so he tries to prevent that by limiting his allowance. PLUS he lives with parents. So who is more correct when a decision must be made and one has to suffer? Can the father be blame for not paying exactly as much as he help with their work? I might come up with more questions but this is it for now. Please post anything you don't understand to understand the situation clearly.
I think the father needs to have a serious talk with his son , and not pay him anything unless he focuses only in school , then worries about drinking ,smoking. And only work Every other day , which will earn him money
So you're saying let him get drunk, smoke or do anything he wants with his money as long as he finishes school and work every other day? I think it'll be hard to convince that to him since the main problem with the father is those. That's why he doesn't give the son that much money AND the reason why he wants to control him is because he's not living on his own yet if you were wondering why still try to control an adult's life.
Hi TaMpE, The real problem is that the son does not want to grow up and the parents are not letting him grow up. I say this because it is one thing to help your children when they are in a bind, but for the parents to allow him to live in their home at that age without having to take any kind of responsibility is enabling him to stay just like he is. If the father is taking the son on as an emplyee into his business, the son should be treated as an employee and paid just like an emplyee (keeping all records) so the father has proof if he should ever be questioned by the authorites. The father and/or mother cannot prevent the son from getting drunk. If he wants to drink, he will find a way no matter what, so the parents are fooling themsleves thinking otherwise. BUT, as the parent, if I were the father, I'd charge him rent maybe so the son either learns how to be responsible or finds another place to live. Either way the boy will have to grow up sometime or leech off someone else, and eventually hit bottom. Tough love is hard to impliment when it concerns your children, but if they ever want a peace of mind or keep their sanity, they will have to love their son so much so that they are willing to do whatever it takes to help him stand on his own two feet. This is his greatest need at the moment, and one that material stuff just does not compare with. Love goes beyond hugs, food, clothing and shelter! Hope this helps ... Mary
I'll personally have to agree totally with what Mary just wrote. If you're so convinced get them to sit and have a straight talk with each other. The father should charge the son with rent, and offer to deduct it if the son helps in his work. Now getting drunk, smoking marijuana is something most youngsters in the 20ish age range do, and the father needs to understand it. On the other hand, the son needs to realize that getting drunk at a party with friends is one thing and getting drunk everyday is another. There is a clear communication gap between the father and the son. This gap needs to be bridged. Constant nagging always has a reverse effect and will only hurt the relationship and not improve it. The parents need to realize it. Ask them to ask their son to setup a goal, an ambition. Something he wishes to do with all his heart and help him achieve it. Also, at such times counselling can work wonders.
The way I see this,the father is right!! If the son thinks he is not being treated right,let him get out and go and look for his own apartment. If he wants to live under the father's roof,eat his food and keep on watching down loaded episodes of prison breaks,without helping the father at his work when requested of him to do so,then he has no right to complain.
father should ask his son to go out for a week or month and to earn him for himself. May be it can help him to understand the value of money, time and relationships.
22 years old means he is not a kid anymore and he should learn the real hardsh realities about life and be told to get on his bike and find a fulltime job/finish education. If he does not then just kick him out of the house and then he will be forced to fend for himself. This kid needs a reality check and needs it quick.
The kid needs a better role model. It sounds like he's sticking around to punish his parents for giving up on being somebody. He feels that if his parents are going to give up and be losers (come on, from Doctor to cleaning lady ?) there's no reason he should try any harder.
Guys, I've read most of your replies and agreed with most of them. I appreciated it very much. I used to suggest the father to treat the son as his employee and turned out like this, the father agreed to treat him as his employee and offered him how often he wants to work then they agreed. So the son started working then later the son feels that the father won't pay him or not I am not sure but he doesn't keep up the work and won't go regularly as agreed. That I think is because the father used to not pay him for what he's worked for but again those time were when the father still doesn't want son to spend all money on beer/alcohol or cigarettes. So their agreement is destroyed. And this kind of thing happens like more than 2 times. In this case I blame the son for being too protective to himself only and I feel that he's lost love for parents. So let's say they're both asked by police in case some serious thing happened, I am afraid the son might say that the father does not pay him enough for what he's worked and the father lost and gets charged. Because I am a little young and I do not know much about ALL THE LAWS in Canada so I do not know who will win at things like this between them. I do not know how their family will become if let's say one must get the "bad" stuff (jail, prison) whatever because I sometimes see them living happily. Those moments are very rare but still happens. But for now, I am going to talk to the father and suggest him to get proofs first so that he'll feel more comfortable pushing the son later on. Right now he knows the son is not ready for life and to live alone so he doesn't want to go FULL PUSHING, like "OK YOU MUST LIVE ON YOUR OWN BY NEXT WEEK, GET YOUR OWN JOB, APARTMENT, EVERYTHING". Oh I almost forgot to say that they sometimes fight physically. The father will pull him off his bed and the son will fight back, I sometimes have to stop them. I am really mad at him when that happens. The son even say things like "IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT I WANT, I WILL DESTROY YOUR BUSINESS/JOB" meaning that he'll sabotage his father's business or work somehow since he's helping with little things. I don't know but it's possible that he can make some disappointment to the customers so that his father gets into trouble.