I'm a freelance copywriter and know that feedback can always help my awareness for improvement, so here's an email I just sent out to a particular list that has already received some info on the subject at hand. Have a browse and anywhere you think it's weak, please point. regards, Gavriel (It was formatted to be narrow column not full width) Subject line: I have a check with your name on it... Body: ..you wouldn't believe how much for, so I need to explain. I almost cringe at writing this to you, but here's what's going on... Right now I'm traveling through South America, I started in February in Venezuela, spent 3 months in Colombia and here's where I'm staying this week -- in Vilcabamba, Ecuador... I'm involved in several business partnerships and also working as a freelance marketer and sales writer. But during all these busy and fun months of work and travel something has been lurking in the shadows... following me wherever I go, or whatever I try to focus on... That darn Global Info Network! GIN just won't go away... I never wanted to really spend a lot of time on it. My plate is already full. And I thought I'd seen this kind of thing before... In fact: Back in 2004 I achieved the beginning leadership level in a company that promoted health products and paid members in kind of a similar way to GIN. That initial leadership level entitled me to the company's car plan -- which meant they would finance a new car. But unlike having a 'company car', the car would belong to me. However, working with that company and other experiences expanded my mind and my horizons beyond the UK... plus promoting health products was not fulfilling for me... and I had other ambitions, desire for travel, etc.. So I actually left the company to travel in south east asia and work on my writing and other business projects. But thinking GIN is anything like what I've seen before has just been a rationalization... I've been trying to fool myself - and I can't get away with it any longer. Truth is: I feel genuinely aligned with the mission of GIN and I'm very excited about it. In fact, the other Group that I promised to tell you about as part of my Lifestyle Alliance is actually now heavily involved in GIN. (A lot of their information is now available to GIN members.) The more I understand about the world's current situation, the more GIN makes sense. Suffice it to say, GIN gives us networking opportunities like the rich-and-famous.. that can help you become.. well, rich at least -- maybe famous too if you want it. And GIN's diversity is also one of it's great advantages. So many different types of people will be attracted to GIN. GIN's member benefits will only get better with time. And the training and information that is available right now 100% free inside your affiliate member area is staggering. For anyone in my group, I'm going to share everything I do to promote GIN myself, so you can learn from it, emulate it, or flat-out rip it off and use it to make money yourself -- I'll even help you do it. However: I don't think you need much training or guidance from me. Because Kevin is building the most comprehensive and impressive set of training materials I have ever seen. I can tell you from all that I previously paid, the training that you have free access to right now in GIN is worth many thousands of dollars. But you can download it all now without charge. I have seen a lot of such training programs and GIN's training materials are hands down the very best. And that's the point: GIN gives us access to advanced info. So here's what I suggest. Download all that training free and listen to it. You will then have a lot of insight that can help you in all areas of life. Relationships. Career moves. Business. And GIN if you choose to promote it. Log in to your account. https://www.globalinformationnetwork.com/Login/ Download the audios for the Dream Weekend. Listen to them asap: https://www.globalinformationnetwork.com/Affiliates/Events/DreamWeekend2010/ Read about the Summer Sales Bonanza: https://www.globalinformationnetwork.com/2010%2DSummer%2DBonanza/ ...this is a mind-boggling offer, where GIN will actually GIVE you a check for $10,000 simply for being involved with GIN for a period of time, thereby reimbursing you far more than what you pay in membership fees for that time. How can they afford it? Simple: not only are they multi-millionaires, but they believe in the wealth building potential of GIN over the long-term for them and us, thus they will invest there own money now by sharing with us so that we can carry this forward. That's my take on it. If you are interested in the information available in GIN.. the networking opportunities.. and also the money that's available... ...I do believe that NOW is the time to act -- whilst that summer offer is still available! Once you have been through some of the materials and feel that you definitely want to be part of this... when you think to yourself 'yeh I want this, why not, let's go for it'... when you feel the excitement for what this can lead you to.... then I want you to email me and tell me that you want to be part of my front line team. If you have trouble accessing the files. If you have any questions about GIN at all. Email me. I still have other projects I am busy with so I can literally only work directly with a small handful of people. One of those people can be you. Gavriel www.gavrielshaw.com PS. If you didn't previously register as an affiliate you can still do so by going here (http://www.globalinformationnetwork.com/?AffiliateCode=gav4) and click 'Affiliate Program' at the bottom of the left navigation menu.
Hi Perry, Please bare in mind that this a semi-warm list, meaning that they have already received email from me and know my name. I did question myself about the subject line but thought that with my name in the from field they would already likely open it, and the subject line is a strong curiosity headline. You are right to pick up on the subject line which I would not use with a colder list. thanks Gav
Hi Parsiban I thought people were over such pettiness by now come 2010. I am a freelance writer, have a page on email marketing at gavrielshaw.com/conversion/email-marketing/ and want some feedback because my own interest in the topic may be clouding my objectivity with the copy. Please no smart ass quips revealing puns in this reply, I don't have time for it. thanks Gav
timebinder, our time is valuable too. You are new here and immediately come asking for professional advice, something many of us charge clients for, without first participating in any other way. More and more forums require a prescribed number of posts prior to asking for a free critique. "pettiness" because someone questions your motives? Some forums would have banned you outright for an initial post such as this one. As to your original request...way too long for an email, with that title and an attached picture it would probably trigger most spam filters, sounds like MLM and much of it makes me cringe but I don't have the time or inclination to fix it for you.
Hi YMC, I guess I'm not used to the culture around here... And anyone not interested in critiquing, I hope they don't. I don't like altruism or self-sacrifice. Forums generally have people that are here because they want to spend their time on such things. That's who I'm looking for. And the email is not too long. Too long for whom? Ask Clayton Makepeace or Early To Rise about emails being too long. And that it makes 'you' cringe is irrelevant as a professional copywriter to the quality of the copy. Keep the target audience in mind. Better to ask what is the lead source. Here's the landing page gavrielshaw.com/alliance/ (and they have already received emails from me so it's a warm list). Now that I've clearly made friends here... Charmed, Gav
A thorough search of my post revealed no pun because there were nun. You did have the time for it. I didn't know my derriere was smart. Thanks!
Mate, You are not looking for a critique you are looking for romping appraisals. You have simply discarded all the advice and tried to prove your copy rocks. So be it. Let's hope your presumptions come true. Let us know how well that copy converts. You sure have made friends in a rather short stint here!. Good luck, Z
Ok, timebinder, I got ya. But from a copywriter's point of view, and having done this (selling to people via words), I still feel that it is weak. You and I could be friends, but if you said that to me in person, I'd give you a chuckle, and a "yeah, right." Them receiving e-mail from you and knowing your name still doesn't cut it with the majority of them. I can receive three e-mails from somebody, recognize them by name, and I may not even open it, period. Just because they may be on your list for this subject doesn't mean they will continue to read your e-mails. You have to KEEP selling them! And sounding like all the other (cheap-sounding) salespeople won't cut it. See what I mean? You have to work on this more if you expect to get even a quarter of them to read this thoroughly, to give it any thought. Also, I'm reading through it, but it doesn't shake my drink enough. What can this do for ME? Just EXACTLY what is it??? Put in the benefits. Telling your readers that they can make a lot of money from it won't make many take action. For example, you should give an example on how they can pay their rent by doing this, or doing that. Give free tips. They may have heard of GIN, or delved in it, but you still need to sell to them in that manner. You are talking too much about you. This is about your readers and what it can do for them. Most of your readers could care less where you are or where you are taking a trip to. Get rid of the picture of the pool. It is too typical. Don't use pictures of expensive cars, and whatnot either. Also, are you sure you want to give this much info in an e-mail? It may be too much reading. This may sound odd, but people seem to skim read more through an e-mail than on a website. Put in a picture of yourself. ... Try to be real. ... Don't try to throw pretty rainbows at them. Telling them that they can start by making enough money to pay their rent, and then work their way up to then paying their electric bill, and then their credit cards well do more wonders than the ever so tiresome, "make over $10,000 a month!!"
BESIDES MANY POINTS ALREADY MENTIONED, YOU DO NOT NEED OPINIONS, YOU NEED FACTS. 1. THE PIECE IS FULL OF WORDS THAT VIOLATE THE CANN SPAM ACT, regulated by the FTC === will not pass email filters, Gmail, Yahoo, AOL, etc, etc, 2. You have 3 seconds to grab attention and let them now what is in in for them 3. Reads like a biographical soap opera about you, you, you HIRE A PROFESSIONAL TO DESIGN--Quality rate is $100/Hr.
1. Uh, it's Can, not Cann. 2. It's sent to a list of e-mail recipients who already has received and wanted that information. But even if it wasn't, the words does not violate anything. 3. Since you do not know what he uses, you do not know if this can pass through a filter or not. He can use Yahoo to send many, many addresses at a time. 4. 3 seconds? Huh. I thought it was 4.5 seconds. 5. He doesn't need to hire anybody...yet. And, um, it is to "write," not "design." And good copywriters can be had for well under $100 an hour. Whew. ... He never ceases to amaze me.
Dude, let me tell you something. I'm used to receiving emails like these and 99.9% of the time, they turn out to be a bunch of spam. I read the first few lines and got bored, shorten it down.
The word is `have,' not `has.' (list... list of what?... recipients; mail is sent to recipient/s, not a list)
lmao! This is why this board is so much fun. Has, have...?... lol who gives a shit. Get right down to it, nerd boy, either one is fine. DING! DING! DING! We have a winner. A recipient is one who is receiving something, which is his...e-mail, there, Gomer. SHUZAM!! Get your head gently massaged so more blood can flow in. Hell, the both of you can get the two-for-one special. We're in a recession, so save that money! And there ya go. Even if your readers may be interested in the past, it doesn't mean they will STAY that way. You still have to keep such comments like that in mind.